Did he beat his ex girlfriend?
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| Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:11am |
So. Here goes nothing. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 11 months. Everything had been absolutely fabulous. He has been there for me no matter what. No matter what I needed, no matter what time it has been. He's been there to let me talk to him about being scared of graduating, about being frustrated with my family, about being scared of getting a job upon graduation. He really had been my best friend. Until Last month when out of the clear blue sky he told me that he was unsure of his feelings for me. Of course, i was completely taken back. I know that they say nothing comes out of the clear blue but this definately did. So, this period lasted for about a week. Finally one night he was talking to me telling me everything and it surfaced that he had lied to me about cheating on his ex girlfriend (when really he had cheated on her the entire two years that they were together) He was younger then... 19-21 when he dated her. He had specifically told me that he had never cheated on her and that the reason why they broke up was because he walked in on her having sex with one of her co-workers... which i believe did happen but he was cheating on her their entire relationship also. They had broke up 2 years before he and I had gotten together.
So I feel extremely insecure because he questioned his love for me. But then I don't understand. Is/ was he really unsure of his love for me or had the guilt gotten to him. He says the guilt but I wonder.
After this situation, I've had an extremely hard time trusting him. If he'd lie to me about this for 9 months, why wouldn't he lie to me about other things? So.. then this goes back to the second month that we were together... My father asked one of his co-workers if he knew my boyfriend. The guy replied yes, and you want to keep your daughter away from him. He's a woman beater. He beat my cousin. - but it is known that this guy has a problem telling the truth. (My boyfriend dated this girl in high school for 3 years). Now this woman is married. I asked my boyfriend if this were true as soon as my father told me this news. He looked me straight in the eyes and told me no. He said, "I'll admit that i do have a temper but I've never hit anyone." I believed him whole-heartedly. He was nothing but sweet to me so I felt that i shouldn't go by what this person said. After he had broke my trust i've wondered if he's lied to me about this too. I have looked her phone number up online. I'm debating calling her. Actually one of my friends has volunteered to call this girl and state that she's my friend and heard this rumor and wants to contact the source and get to the truth before she tells me something that isn't true- She'd hate to see me hurt. Should I have my friend call? I mean will i really know the truth unless i hear it from her?
A red flag has been raised because i was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years. Although i have been out of this abusive relationship for 3 years, i know that if you have been abused once you're more suseptable to be abused again. My two boyfriends are COMPLETE opposites. My ex-boyfriend was a complete social butterfly and was nice to me in public and treated me like dirt when we were alone. He'd tell me I was fat, I was dumb, ugly, unlady like blah blah blah. My current boyfriend is a complete introvert. The biggest difference i do see in my relationships is that my current boyfriend WANTS me to voice my opinions and i have learned to me open about what I want and need. This is because he wants to know everything about me and wants to make me happy. He is really thoughtful leaving me sweet messages all the time. He does geniunely care about me.
It's almost as though he cares about me so much that he doesn't want to hurt me. But it's like he doesn't trust himself. I really think i need to get some answers from his ex girlfriend to try to put the pieces together.
I know i've wrote a really long message but would really like your comments and advice/ opinions. If he did hit her neearly 6 years ago, does that mean he'll hit me?
Thanks!

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I am so sorry that you're going through this and what you have already went through in your past. I have never been threatened or hit by a man and it is my biggest fear in life. Unfortunately these men who hit never show their temper until it is too late, it seems. If it were me, I know upon hearing the rumor of physical abuse with a past relationship I would have run for the door and possibly to another state. I've known people who have been in abusive relationships. A friend told me once about a girl he works with who dated a man for six months, he took her away for the weekend and for whatever reason beat her within an inch of her life. It is so, SO scary because you never know who these men are that you invite into your life.
You've already caught the guy in a lie and it wasn't a little lie like "I never actually graduated college even though I said I did". It involved cheating and that's another scary thing what with AIDS and other STD's. It's a shame that you've already spent 11 months with this guy and have to come to this dilema now instead of in the beginning.
I would be VERY cautious with this man and maybe even just end it and cut your losses now. I know he seems like a dream, but what if something sets him off? He may be aware of his temper issue (sounds like he is) and is warning you in a way. I have no doubt he cares for you. I think that telling you he's not sure of how he feels about you is his way of protecting you. The guy needs help... maybe some rage control classes. I don't believe that all men who hit are evil. Sometimes it's what they've been exposed to as a child. Perhaps his father or another relative in his life was abusive and he just absorbed that kind of behavior.
I don't know if I'd call the ex-girlfriend and here's why. You now know that he cheated on her. Is she spreading rumors to get him back? If you were to call her and ask her this, will she not call up your boyfriend and tell him about this and how she's going to make sure he gets his? And, if the tales of abuse are false, that is going to put a major trust issue in between he and you. Whatever you decide, do not have a friend contact her.
Now, I know I may have confused you even more about what to believe, but in a way that's a good thing and this is why. This relationship, no matter how wonderful it seems, is getting way too complicated. You have either a boyfriend with major temper issues or an incredibly spiteful ex-girlfriend out to ruin his life and anyone else's that dates him. Ask yourself this - will either situation make you feel happy and secure in this relationship?
Keep writing to us and let us know what happens. Hopefully someone out there will share more thoughts on this.
lonelychristinec provides great advice. This is not an easy question. Rumors can destroy anything and anyone. I know because I have been the victim of false rumors and it has pretty much destroyed my life.
Usually physical abuse accompanies emotional or verbal abuse. Since you have experience with someone who was verbally abusive to you, you can compare "M.O.'s".
Okay he has a temper and we all do. The story about the girl who went away after 6 months of dating a guy and was beaten by him is a story I have heard alot these days. It seems the couple will be in a remote spot. One woman I saw on tv was beaten for 10 hours straight and she somehow made it to her mother's house and they took pictures of her before she went to the hospital and called the police. I wanted to cry when I saw her pictures because her face was completely gone. I mean gone as in "no more". With plastic surgery she looks great again, but I am sure others have not had the same results. She says she does not resemble her old face at all. The woman did state that prior to this event he expressed jealousy and paranoia about where she was all the time. That doesn't sound like your boyfriend.
When a guy tells you out of the blue that he is unsure he is testing you. I know you really care for him, but who needs someone messing with your mind and making you insecure? Also he lied to you about cheating because he knows you don't want to be with a cheater.
I always prefer the truth, as hard as it is to hear sometimes because 1) the guy is showing respect to you by telling the truth even if he looks like a sh*t because, let's face it, we've all been sh*ts before, 2)it gives you the power to make a choice about whether or not you want to date someone like him - by lying he takes your personal power from you, 3)it shows he is confident about himself (a nice trait to see).
I generally don't ask questions about a guy's past. I have found that it really puts a damper on dating because then you starting imagining what he was like back then or doing what he was doing and trying to figure out if he will do it again, this time to you. I don't like to delve into my relationship past as well. Too much talk about ex's will drive a woman nuts.
I don't think it is "guilt" that you saw, I think that he has finally come clean about himself and he wants you to accept him for who he is, however he needs to feel as though he is in the driver's seat and can make you insecure to want him, regardless of his lies and cheating.
Now, all guys cheat. Even the nicest guys in the world, in the end cheat in some way. Relationships usually end because someone is interested in someone else. It is very hard to date knowing that eventually it comes to an end. Even if you marry, it comes to an end these days. I know I will get hissed at for saying that all guys cheat, but I prefer to see things for what they really are in the world. Women cheat too. No one is loyal to anyone anymore except our pets - they stay loyal to us. Women try to create something special from a relationship that we can count on within our hearts. It's really nice to feel loved and wanted and pretty but not at the price of having your mind played with so it doesn't know what hit it.
"Now, all guys cheat. Even the nicest guys in the world, in the end cheat in some way. Relationships usually end because someone is interested in someone else. It is very hard to date knowing that eventually it comes to an end. Even if you marry, it comes to an end these days. I know I will get hissed at for saying that all guys cheat, but I prefer to see things for what they really are in the world. Women cheat too. No one is loyal to anyone anymore except our pets - they stay loyal to us. Women try to create something special from a relationship that we can count on within our hearts. It's really nice to feel loved and wanted and pretty but not at the price of having your mind played with so it doesn't know what hit it."
Wow. What a powerful statement. I guess this has really stuck out at me because I feel exactly the same. It's so hard for me to feel this way about others because I am completely opposite, i'll be loyal to the end. And the scary part about all of it is... am I the only person left that will/could be loyal till the end? It seems as though I always find myself in these situations... I"m the one who tends to get treated like sh*t and I still would never even think of cheating. Maybe it's a lack of morals or character on everybody else's part but it doesn't make it settle any better with me.
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There are still some of us left out there. In a relationship there are 2 people and usually one gets hurt real bad. The question is how can you be the one that doesn't get hurt? Impossible, unless you become an ass. The values of "till death do us part" have eroded with each generation. I was always a loyal friend. But I have cast my pearls before swine once too often and I have learned. With every "goodbye" I have learned.
If one enters into a romantic relationship or even a friendship one leaves themselves open to getting hurt. The only way to avoid hurt is to not engage in any relationships, and eventually that hurts too, until you realize that the worldhas changed and what you pine for doesn't exist anymore.
Right there with you linsey942000. I feel like I am constantly getting the shaft when it comes to relationships while others seem to roll out of one man's bed into another's and it is always good. Or at least appears to be good since no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. But I would never do anything to hurt someone's feelings. I hate breaking up with someone and wind up apologizing a lot for doing so.
I think the world around us has definitely changed. Dating is not what it used to be. There are so many levels that men put us on now - seeing each other, dating, friends with benefits, girlfriend, etc. and from what I remember it used to be a lot simpler. Either dating or not dating. And if you were dating it was ok to refer to him as your boyfriend whereas now it seems to suggest too much committment. Girls are guilty of it too, of course.
Keep being pure and keep that big heart of yours. Someone will appreciate it.
What did you decide about your situation, by the way?
It's definatley the situation of "you're damned if you do, damned if you don't"... Loving someone with all your heart and getting hurt could possible be the WORST feeling in the world. Every time someone lets you down by lying, cheating, or just treating you badly, you lose a little more hope that everything will work out in the end. That there really is supposed to be that one person that loves you just as much as you love them and would never think of hurting you. It makes me look at people like my parents who have been married for 37 years and be green with envy. Sometimes i think there's no chance of ever finding that. And that, is etremely depressing. One of my girlfriends and I were talking about relationships and we came across one extremely big question.... "Is there such a thing as being happy with someone forever... or is it just temporary happiness?"
Big thoughts to ponder, i know. haha
I can totally sympathize with you. I am definatley a people pleaser and HATE to fight/ argue. I'd rather just go with the flow and have a good time. The thing i see the most is that guys LOVE this quality at the beggining of the relationships and then they start to take advantage of it.
Relationships are hard. Extremely hard. It seems like it is WAY easier to go on a few dates with a guy and NEVER get serious with them than it is to have a lasting relationship with them. Once you're with them you start to get feelings for them. It's just something about them that you love. I know that if i never settled down i'd always wish that i would have. I want the "Perfect American Family" the white pickett fence, the little boy, the little girl and the loving husband. I'd totally be disappointed if i never had children. So I guess what i'm saying is that relationships are hard but in order to have a life long relationship you're gonna have to have the hard times and put that extra work into a relationship to make it work. You're gonna have to fix things to make not just one of you happy but both of you happy.
About my situation... After alot of thought, I've decided to not call the ex-girlfriend. Yes, i do have doubts that maybe he did hit her but, if i were to trust her word and believe that because he hit her nearly 6 years ago that he'd hit me... then i'd never know for sure. Some people may think i'm crazy but I love him and I know that he loves me. I was in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship. I know just how horrible they can make you feel and just how controlling they can be. My current boyfriend does have some jealousy/control issues but... he also does alot of things that an "abusive" boyfriend would never do... not even in the beginning of a relationship, not alone 10 months into a relationship. Just little things that really mean the world to me. He still opens EVERY single door for me, tells me I look beautiful, tells me how lucky he is to have me, and how much he loves me. A true abuser would never tell you that he's lucky... he wants you to believe that you're the lucky one for having him. So... I guess what i'm trying to say is that I've decided to proceed with caution. He wanted to move in together and I have kindly told him that i'm not ready for that. I believe that if we are meant to be together forever, then waiting would be the best option, no need to rush things. I thought about cutting my losses because there are many other fish in the sea but... the truth of it is that i honestly believe that what we have is extremely special. It's not necessarily what he says or anything like that... it's how he looks at me. The jealousy and control, i have talked to him about but... i've seen that he's really been trying to change some of his ways... and he's really working at "putting the shoe on the other foot". Am I 100% sure that things will work out with him and I? No... but i'd never be able to move on if i didn't give "us" a chance. I love him more than I've ever loved anybody and i think that's worth the chance...
From being married twice and now divorced twice I can say that one person may be happy with the arrangement forever while the other may not. It is the changeable attitude of others that we cannot control. You can do everything "right" and the other person will change; either his likes or dislikes or hispriorities or a job that relocates both of you and for some reason the relationship shifts.
I used to believe in "til death do us part" and now I do not believe it. I never dreamed that I would have been divorced, ever. When I married my first husband it was with the expectation that it would be forever, but he fell in love with someone else and the rest is history.
It is hard to date knowing that it will be temporary, one way or the other. Either the relationship ends or you marry and then it ends or one of you dies. When you are happy in love you never want it to end. Also, it is hard because you have to let yourself be vulnerable and open in order for the relationship to gel, whether he hurts you or not.
So how do you know. How do you know that things are going to work out between you and your significant other? How do you know if you marry that your relationship won't end in divorce? Is a relationship really about finding the perfect person for you or is it settling down with whoever is in your life at the right time... Later on down the road when you're not happy anymore, you play mind games with yourself making yourself believe that you're happy because it's just mind over matter.
It's scary to think that no matter how set a person is on making their marriage last and holding their vows of "till death do us part", it means nothing if the other person wants to give up on the relationship. It's scary knowing that you can be sure of your own feelings but you can't make the other person feel a certain way....
I had to jump in after seeing something you posted:
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This is not true at all! One form of abuser is that he/she will build you up and put you on a pedestal. Then at some point, they will snap and rip you down. A high school girlfriend was in this type of relationship. The guy gave her the world and treated her like a queen. But then he would snap and beat her to an inch within her life. Next day he would build her back up. This is classic abuse. She eventually wound up dead after his jealousy got out of control.
So be very careful to think that abuse happens only in one standard format. Definitely not the case. Abuse usually is a yo-yo and if you do some research, you'll see that many times the abuser will buy the abused gifts and flowers and everything else. Not saying this is the case with your boyfriend. Just saying that you can't place abuse into one form.
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