Did he beat his ex girlfriend?
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| Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:11am |
So. Here goes nothing. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 11 months. Everything had been absolutely fabulous. He has been there for me no matter what. No matter what I needed, no matter what time it has been. He's been there to let me talk to him about being scared of graduating, about being frustrated with my family, about being scared of getting a job upon graduation. He really had been my best friend. Until Last month when out of the clear blue sky he told me that he was unsure of his feelings for me. Of course, i was completely taken back. I know that they say nothing comes out of the clear blue but this definately did. So, this period lasted for about a week. Finally one night he was talking to me telling me everything and it surfaced that he had lied to me about cheating on his ex girlfriend (when really he had cheated on her the entire two years that they were together) He was younger then... 19-21 when he dated her. He had specifically told me that he had never cheated on her and that the reason why they broke up was because he walked in on her having sex with one of her co-workers... which i believe did happen but he was cheating on her their entire relationship also. They had broke up 2 years before he and I had gotten together.
So I feel extremely insecure because he questioned his love for me. But then I don't understand. Is/ was he really unsure of his love for me or had the guilt gotten to him. He says the guilt but I wonder.
After this situation, I've had an extremely hard time trusting him. If he'd lie to me about this for 9 months, why wouldn't he lie to me about other things? So.. then this goes back to the second month that we were together... My father asked one of his co-workers if he knew my boyfriend. The guy replied yes, and you want to keep your daughter away from him. He's a woman beater. He beat my cousin. - but it is known that this guy has a problem telling the truth. (My boyfriend dated this girl in high school for 3 years). Now this woman is married. I asked my boyfriend if this were true as soon as my father told me this news. He looked me straight in the eyes and told me no. He said, "I'll admit that i do have a temper but I've never hit anyone." I believed him whole-heartedly. He was nothing but sweet to me so I felt that i shouldn't go by what this person said. After he had broke my trust i've wondered if he's lied to me about this too. I have looked her phone number up online. I'm debating calling her. Actually one of my friends has volunteered to call this girl and state that she's my friend and heard this rumor and wants to contact the source and get to the truth before she tells me something that isn't true- She'd hate to see me hurt. Should I have my friend call? I mean will i really know the truth unless i hear it from her?
A red flag has been raised because i was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years. Although i have been out of this abusive relationship for 3 years, i know that if you have been abused once you're more suseptable to be abused again. My two boyfriends are COMPLETE opposites. My ex-boyfriend was a complete social butterfly and was nice to me in public and treated me like dirt when we were alone. He'd tell me I was fat, I was dumb, ugly, unlady like blah blah blah. My current boyfriend is a complete introvert. The biggest difference i do see in my relationships is that my current boyfriend WANTS me to voice my opinions and i have learned to me open about what I want and need. This is because he wants to know everything about me and wants to make me happy. He is really thoughtful leaving me sweet messages all the time. He does geniunely care about me.
It's almost as though he cares about me so much that he doesn't want to hurt me. But it's like he doesn't trust himself. I really think i need to get some answers from his ex girlfriend to try to put the pieces together.
I know i've wrote a really long message but would really like your comments and advice/ opinions. If he did hit her neearly 6 years ago, does that mean he'll hit me?
Thanks!

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There is only one thing you can do: during the time you are dating, you need to make sure you are on the same page as the other person in key areas of marital life. By that I mean, discuss different scenarios that maybe you see your friends in or you hear about. See if you both would handle tough times in a similar fashion. During the infatuation stage we dismiss red flags that come back to bite us in the butt later. Make sure he is in it for the long haul and doesn't jump ship at the slightest turbulence. Make sure that you both view child rearing the same way and that you don't get stuck with all the work. I dismissed a red flag in my second ex husband. His parents had part ownership of the condo that he lived in. I knew that they had a big part in his life andin that home. However, I thought he could handle the running of a household. When we were looking for furniture it was ahuge burden for him to go out and look. But that is what couples do. I also thought he knew the workings of purchasing a home. But, what I found out is that his parents handled the entire purchase of the condo and its contents and I was stuck doing all the work when it was our home. I made an assumption that I shouldn't ahve made. Mommy has to do al lthe work for him otherwise it doesn't get done. Ihave no respect for him on this level. That is what losers do. My first ex husband was completely opposite in this way .
You can do all the homework and still miss things that could lead to a divorce down the road. One never knows these days what will happen. One woman I saw on Dr. Phil actually married a man who, at the last minute, decided that he had amnesia on the day of his wedding. So this woman, with some pressure behind her - there were many guests at the church waiting for this- decided to marry him anyway. Now, she is stuck with a husband that she probably would never have married. Men have become sooooo cruel that I don't know why anyone would just jump into marriage anymore. Their games have become so sophisticated that it will be difficult to spot a player.
Ooh I totally agree. My stepmonster was one of those; when it was good, it was flowers, roses, he couldn't live without her, she was beautiful and wonderful, gifts, attention, lots of sex (we lived on a boat so unfortunately I had to bear witness to THAT), attention, love...then suddenly WHAM!!! Beaten to a pulp.
So proceed with caution. Hopefully your BF is not one of those. But just be aware.
My mother once gave me a piece of advice which is something I actually do consistenly watch for to this day. It was never trust a man who is too nice. In reality no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. I actually like finding small imperfections in the guys I date because it makes me feel like they are human.
It's great to find someone who truly feels lucky to have you in his life and does the gentleman's thing (opening doors, etc.). Does he constantly tell you how lucky he feels to have you or did it just come up once over dessert and never mentioned again? If he is jealous and constantly telling you how he feels about you that may be a red flag. It would be for me. Men who hit often claim they hit because they love you so much and it makes them crazy jealous if you so much shake another guy's hand. Then they buy you gifts, tell you how sorry they were and that it will never happen again. I understand that you have feelings for this guy and you want to give him a chance, but PLEASE be very careful. Never go anywhere without making sure a friend or family knows the location. Good advice for anybody, but we're all guilty of not practicing it.
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