Did I handle this right? What's next?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Did I handle this right? What's next?
1
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 1:40pm
Dear Doyenne and every dating expert here;

I have been going/hanging out with a guy for 3 months. We got along well, we had good times. He is a full-time student, applying for jobs and lately has family problems (parents fighting, dad overworks him at his construction shop without pay). I work full time and study part time. At first, we would go out/hang out twice a week. When school was in full session about 5 weeks ago, it became once a week although we chat online almost every night. We had our first and only sex 3 weeks ago. However, the last 2 weeks, he cancelled both times we were supposed to hang out. I noticed the pattern so I asked him, "what's going on at your end? I enjoy our time together, but I don't know how its affecting you. Is hanging out with me too much on your schedule, what do you want to do, what should I expect, do you still wanna go/hang out together?"

He sent me three emails. The first one was a long one saying that nothing was wrong, he agreed that things slowed down because he was just up to his neck with work and study, and now problems with parents arguing at home. He said he still wanted to go and hang out with me. He said he just wants time to handle his projects and sort out things. He ended it with, "thanks for letting me know what's on your mind, I don't know what to do or say to you right now but this is what's going on with me."

The second email, sent an hour later, changed tone. He said, 'Yes, things have changed, and feelings are slipping away because we haven't been hanging out as much. It's not you, it's me, with school, job interviews and family problems. I'm so overwhelmed. Maybe we should slow down or quit for now. I don't know, I can't even think."

So we scheduled for online time. When we talked on line, I said to him that I agree, school should come first. I said I hope his family situation eases up. And then I said, "So with that, I'll leave you alone for now..." He thanked me for understanding, apologized if I got hurt in anyway, and said that he just needed time to sort everything out. I even joked when he said good night, I replied with "I'm signing off now."

The third email he sent after our online chat was again, a thank you for understanding bit and apologies for hurting me in any way but that he thought this was the best thing to do even if it was so hard for him to do it.

My questions are:

- How did I handle that situation? My aim was to agree to slow things down by staying out of his way but did it look like I was severing ties permanently?

- Any ideas as to why his emails changed tone from "I still wanna hang out with you" to "maybe we should slow down or quit for now"?

- When a guy says 'maybe we should just slow down or quit for now', is that the same as 'i'm ending this altogether'?

I really like this guy (and he's said it back to me). He's got dreams, plans for his life, our sense of humor match, damn good kisser and affectionate, hardworking, and we talk/chat well.

*sigh* Aside from leaving him alone, is there anything else I can do? Half of me is scared that I've really lost him and I don't want to. The other half tells me to wait and see until school finishes and maybe he'll contact me again. While I'm waiting, my girlfriends are supportive, I have to keep busy, I enrolled in a martial arts class...but man, I can't get him out of my head these past couple of nights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 2:06pm
Well, hanging out is "self responsible" liason in every regard.

Both of you should have been hanging out - at your own convenience and desire with no expectation from the other person. It should have been all about enjoying "whatever was at the moment" - with no expectattion regarding more involvement.

Becaus if he had wanted to date - he'd have asked you out.

so you two were hanging out because that suited the needs of the moment on both your ends - neither of you wanted obligationa nd commitment - but both of you wanted fun and companionship. As often happens...that leads to "sex".

So now it's hanging out and hooking up aka - sex, fun, companionship based on "my" needs without obligation. ("my" being him on his end and you on your end).

And the "reason" that you accepted/that he gave for "not dating formally" is his schedule. So you knew going in that it wasn't dating, and that he had a very busy schedule and lots of other priorities.

So - however involved you got emotionally - that was your call to him, and however involved he got emotoinally - that was his decision to make.

Basically, he never got involved past - fun, sex, companionship to meet HIS needs and per HIS agenda.

You did.

I suspect post-sex, you developed some "expectations" that you hadnt had before. Like him calilng you once a day, or like him absolutely being with you on the weekends, or whatever it was.

That meant this was "no longer to meet HIS needs, and basedon HIS schedule and agenda".

So now he's lost "feeling".....what he had a feeling for was that this was no obligation and all benefit. And of course, now that has changed...so his feelings have changed.

Feelings aren't facts, goals, or calls to action. Feelings are a result of situations nd your perception of them and your needs and wants and goals.

So, if you changed your expectations, attitude, or requirements post-sex......that's the problem.

As long as it was sex, fun, companionship on his terms to meet his needs without obligation - that is what he had "positive feelings about"...when that changed - so did his feelings.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com