Did I mess it all up? :( :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
Did I mess it all up? :( :(
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 12:31pm

I recently met a guy through mutual friends. We talked/texted a couple weeks before meeting one night for dinner but from our 1st date we hit it off & spent time together literally everyday. Everything felt natural for us both & we were saying "I Love you" within a couple weeks. I know this sounds crazy but we are both in our 30's & I know how I feel. Everything was perfect!! We couldn't get enough of each other, constantly texting & calling & making plans to see each other after work etc. Here's the problem: I started freaking out. It just hit me one day that although everything has been great, if things don't work out I will be heartbroken.. AGAIN. I started telling him about my insecurities & he would reassure me, it went on for several days. Finally, the other night I got upset that he had planned to go away with his friends on 4th of July instead of spending it with me. We started to have a lil disagreement & I (because I'd been feeling insecure for days) started crying. He was telling me that he's tried reassuring me all week but he don't know what else to do. I made an "off the cuff" comment & as I was crying I said "I dont know, maybe I'm just too damaged from my past relationship, maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship". I did NOT mean that! I think I was wanting him to reassure me yet again. Well it backfired. By me making that comment he said it has totally scared him & he doesn't want to get hurt either. He said he wants to "slow things down". I've apologized over & over & I prayed & hoped that it would blow over, but things are different. He said he was putting in 100% becasue he thought we were on the same page, but now he feels like I'm not so he's going to slow down. When I asked what that means, he says nothing will change excpet we wont be together every night. He also said he don't want to break up, it's just going to take a little time to get past that, becasue he used to have an ex that said the same thing & it raised red flags for him.

Now I just feel like I'm in limbo. Instead of us making plans together I feel like I'm just waiting to be invited. This was a week ago. He still tells me he loves me & misses me, but before he couldn't wait to see me, now it don't feel like seeing me is a priority at all. I know that I'm the one who screwed up, but I want to badly to make it better. I want things back the way they were. I feel like a relationship is supposed to move forward not backward. I'm so scared of losing him becasue I really do love him. He tells me nothing is different but it is... I can feel it. I will never forgive myself for messing this up if we break up :(

Please.......What should I do?? :( :(

Your name chanda78
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 2:43pm

See a therapist for your own insecurities and any issues from past relationships?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 3:10pm

Actually I have & I was doing great. I had learned to live happily single & was not "looking" for anyone when I met him. These feelings didn't come up intil I realized I was head over heels for him & I guess it freaked me out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 4:37pm

If you were doing great being single, then you should also know that if you did meet a guy & break up, then you would be ok being single again.  It's always painful to be with someone & break up but there is also no way to guarantee that you won't break up with someone.  I can see some issues here.

1) it's not possible to know that you love someone after only knowing them for a few weeks because you don't even know the real person at that time.  That's an infatuation, which is normal & exciting and you hope that you met someone really great & you'll end up together.  But you really have to understand that you haven't really gotten to know the complete person until you have at least known someone for months and seen how he handles a lot of different situations, emotions, deals with his family & friends, etc.

2) my personal opinion is that when you first meet someone, it's probably not a good idea to be constantly together so that you totally stopped whatever you were doing before--and I hope you had interests and friends that you used to do things with before him.  If a new BF wanted to be with me every day, frankly I'd start to feel smothered.  I need time to be with my friends and pursue my own interests--and that makes you more interesting too.  You should not be ready to freak out and feel the relationship is over just because he wants to make plans with his friends that don't include you.  Right about now, he probably wants to take a step back because you've become the needy, clingy GF.  I think if you are going to salvage this relationship at all, you need to prove to him that you're not that insecure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 5:35pm

No man wants to be the center of your universe. It's too much pressure. If you've neglected friendships, right that wrong. If you don't have a hobby, or other activity that you participate in, get one. That way if a relationship doesn't work out, you're better able to handle it because you have a fulfilling life. You can't predict the future. You can only make wise choices. Stop thinking you have to know the future. You don't have control over it. There are too many variables, even if you're the prettiest, smartest woman with the best personality around. There are no guarantees. The only thing you can control is choosing a good, potential partner by accepting kind, respectful men who make time for you, and cut loose men who abuse you, or have other dealbreakers. You're going to have to leave the rest to fate. Let it go, because you're self sabotaging. No guy wants to hear an anxiety ridden woman cry because she's terrified that he won't be with her forever, and that she will be destroyed if that happens. A man wants to share in your happiness, not be the reason for it.

Get some self improvement books from the library to improve your outlook on life. Go to a therapist if you feel it will help. Fake it until you can make it. When he calls, be happy that he's enjoying time with friends. Tell him about your activities with friends. Sure, if you don't want to takes risks and get your heart broken, don't date. Be a lonely person. Obviously, that's not an option, so you'll have to takes risks and know you'll survive a breakup, just like we all do. Like I said, when you have a fulilling life outside of a man, you'll be better able to handle the harships of life, and be all the more attractive because you're independent, conident and fun. Good luck.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 06-30-2013 - 12:22am

In a word yes.  You had these emotional problems which came out when the relationship became real to you.   he is probably confused and does not know what to do.  This needs to be addressed.  it is your problem not his.  You are the only one who can fix it.  To do so means letting go of some deep seated beliefs. 

"if things don't work out I will be heartbroken"

    Really?  Not!  Self fulfilling prophecy. 

  Do you have any more traps designed to keep you from feeling?  These traps will spring every time something happens that threatens your definition of yourself.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Sun, 06-30-2013 - 6:08pm
Chanda, yes you did mess up but you can still fix it... and the reason is because he is still around. But to fix it, you first have to deal with your already expressed insecurities. Everybody has already provided great advice. I have been in a similar situation as him, and something like that raises a lot of questions... "I love/ care about this woman but can I really handle these issues?" "How much worse is it going to get".... but you stay around for a little because you remember what you saw before the issues popped up, and you want to hope she can get it under control...so if you want to fix it you can, but you have to deal with you first.. not just for the relationship but for you
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:31pm

You need to work on your own insecurities before you try to date again.  If I were that guy, I would have broken things off, too, particularly when you got upset about him spending time with friends.

You need to understand that most men are not willing to put their life and friendships on hold to cater to your insecurities.  You are not the only things in their lives.  They don't always want to spend time with you - sometimes they want to be alone, or be with friends.  Until you can grow up and act like an adult, you aren't going to be good relationship material, and smart men will realize that.