Did I miss something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Did I miss something?
5
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 4:49pm
I met this guy online, we've communicated for about three or four months and recently he came to my city to meet me. While here, we had a lot of fun and he seemed interested in getting to know me. I found out earlier on in our online/ phone communication that he was divorced and had been about three months before we began to speak. At first we shared stories of love gone wrong in the past and he explained it was his choice to end his marriage. I don't know why but that bothered me. I wasn't sure and right now am still not sure if HE is as done as he said he was. He has sinced returned home and back to work (did I mention he's a workaholic). He called me a few times very briefly (once he mentioned she called him to discuss an issue of theres and threw in she heard he went off and met me)he noted he in fact met a "friend" and how she didn't sound very happy about that confirmation. We talked about other things, then he mentioned coming back to see me, right after I mentioned going to see him (something before we met he kept encouraging me to do)instead he changed the subject to coming back. He sounded totally preoccupied and slightly annoyed (but said he had a lot going on, it's his busy time and isn't in the best of moods). I noticed before I could finish saying "have a goodnight" he was already saying "ok bye" granted he was at work but still... I stopped mid sentence and he paused and said less rushed "yeah, you too" and waited for me to say "bye" before we disconnected.
I called him before the noticeable void (like normal) and left him messages then it hit me, he's not answering or returning my calls. That was odd and sad it took me awhile to realize that. That convo at work was the last time we spoke and it's about a week or so shy of it turning into a month since that call and his visit. A week later I called him again a couple of times one day (not all at once), but mainly because I wanted to believe and accept he's probably gone. I mean we usually spoke on and off anytime, I knew his phone was never off because of his work, he knew from the id it was me calling and I think more so for the obvious to hit me, he was avoiding me. I emailed him later that day and told him to know it's ok if things have changed (and it really was/ is) but not to feel like he couldn't share that much with me. It was very light and positve, hoped he was doing ok, said if he ever wanted to chat not to be a stranger and wished him well. I feel I sent it more for myself for closure because he was just gone. I couldn't believe someone who seemed so nice and real, abruptly stopped communication and I had/ have no clue as to why. He was also appeared very honest and opinionated. So I didn't expect this to end with no indication. One thing he seemed good for was saying exactly how he felt. As for that email no reply :) did I really expect one no (he never emailed well, we spoke more over the phone). Before I was non stop guessing and searching my brain for what went wrong? Though I'm looking ahead it still hurts, did I miss something along the way? He just seemed so true. I'm not sure what went wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 7:58am
What did you miss? This guy may not be as divorced as you thought he was. It sounds like his "ex" is still very much in the picture. I suggest you find a man that lives a little closer to where you live and is a little more available.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 8:27am

I don't think you missed anything either. I think you have assessed the situation very well. I'm wondering if he's in fact divorced. If he is, why does his ex-wife even know about his dating life?

And I agre with the other poster: long distance relationships are difficult.

As to your question why would someone who seemed so honest and straightforward do this? There's really no good answer. I think most men don't want to be the "bad guy" and say they don't want to see you again. His avoidance is clearly saying this.

I once briefly dated a recently divorced man who I met online. After we had been out already, I drove to his town about 30 miles away one Sunday morning for brunch. As I arrived at his house, his ex and their young son were there, and as I stood at a distance watching the three of them, it was so clear to me that he was still very attached to his wife and son (she left him). He even still bought presents for her. No great loss really because I wasn't very attracted to him anyway. Anyhow, sounds like your guy hasn't cut the cord either. And/or he's met someone else he's dating.

Two books you might find interesting: He's Just Not That Into You and The Rules for Online Dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 8:50am
Yes I guess I have to admit the truth hurts. As for her knowledge of him meeting me, word of mouth they're in the same business and he's from a small town. He told some of his friends (people knew who I was before I even knew they were his freinds. I even spoke to one of his best friends. His family was asking him about me while he was here. They even invited me on a trip they're taking this summer of course all of this before we met. Pretty much word of mouth. Doesn't matter. Even that to me I felt I was used some how. We spent so much time talking about so much, and he said he was into me. It hurts to know he wasn't real. But it's obvious. He just ended it so quick that it doesn't feel real. Sorta here today gone tomorrow... thanks for your advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 8:52am
Thanks for the advice. It's tough when you are into someone and they turn you off 100%, but I will get over this in time. All the best,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:04am

Yes it sounds like there is still a connection with the ex

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