Did I scare him off???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2013
Did I scare him off???
6
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 8:48pm
What happened? Did I scare him off? So I knew this guy for a little over a year and everyone thought he was into me. We worked together. Time went on and we just became close at work but did not do anything about it until he left the job. He would say things like how I don't need makeup or how him and my dad would get along..., or how I am so intelligent and I was smart and got a good education... After we left,we texted back and forth... Went out on dates.. By the 3rd date we had sex and he still seemed very interested. He would give me cute eskimo kisses and say things like even though we do this and this differently we will make it work. And it wasn't just sex between us I could feel the connection. He always had this cheesy smile on his face and would say things like "I could lie here with you all day..." Or "you are so beautiful.." And he's had to cancel plans but did reschedule.. He would say things like I don't want to wait another week to see u again..And that he thought I was cute 3 years ago when he first saw me but I did not notice him.. I took this as the green light that he liked me .. So we saw each 2 days in a row... I slept over at his place and the 1st morning I did not want to be rude so I made his bed (I don't like leaving someone's place unkempt) . I joked with him saying don't you like coming home to a bed that's made!? He said why b/c you are sleeping in it the next night... So that night he had this huge smile on his face saying "this is great, I come home and my bed is made, I can relax.. ." So we cuddled and had sex again.. cuddled some more etc... Next day I did the same thing but he was in a rush cuz he was late to work so he said "just leave it!" and we left .. We kissed each other goodbye... Then 2 weeks went by and he was very busy and had to cancel plans but did not offer to reschedule so I did.. When I finally saw him 3 weeks later, we had a casual dinner and then he walked me to my car and we gave each other a big hug and he smiled again and kissed me real quick on the lips... No mention of another date... 2 weeks later, I was having a bad week and I texted him saying hey can we go out I'm having a really bad week. He couldn't cuz he was going to be out of town... So I told him 2 hours later can you call me.. He said sure, is everything ok? So I talked to him...for an hour.. I asked him out again and he said he would call me this week... I wanted to tell him my feelings but I could not get the courage to do so... So I texted him and just said "hey just wanted to get this off my chest... U may or may not know this but I have feelings for you.." 2 days later and still no response... I don't understand b/c this entire year practically went by everyone thought he really liked me.. I have a feeling he has trust issues from things he's told me before like how he doesn't trust anyone... I am pretty sure me making his bed did not freak him out b/c I was just being nice it's not like I was washing the dishes and doing laundry...I got him this goodbye gift that he said meant a lot to him... I do plan on leaving him alone and not texting him anymore.. I only texted him like once every 3 days.. And then it went down to once a week... He said he's very shy and I can tell that he was too shy to even kiss me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 9:44am

You didn't do anything psycho-crazy, so no, you didn't scare him off. Women always think they are at fault when a man bails. From my life experience, I've found that there are guys who just don't want a long term relationship that they have to put daily effort into. They want to get to the sex part, and then leave for their next short-term relationship. Another thing women do is take to heart what the man says at the beginning--romantic things and statements that make it seem as though the man sees a future with her. I've heard things like this many times from men who never made it past the six weeks. It doesn't mean anything until after you're together at least the first 4-6 months.

If he was really into you, you'd hear from him at least once a day and he'd be setting up at least one date a week with you. If he's not doing this, you take the reins and call it off. He's not what you want in a potential boyfriend. In the future, to rule out players, try to go a couple of months without having sex for the first time with a guy. If he's a long term kind of person, he will enjoy your company by going to restaurants with you, the movies, hiking, etc. Hold off going to each others homes, since people with chemistry have a hard time holding back. Players will lose interest quickly. Long term guys will think you're worth the wait. When a man is the right guy for you, you won't feel frustration and uncertainty. He will make it clear that you are a priority. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 10:18am

It wasn't that you did anything.  If you telling him that you had feelings for him (which should have been obvious anyway because why else would you be dating him and having sex with him?) scared him off, it's because he didn't care for you that much--but he should have been honest and not just left you hanging wondering what was going on.  that's really rude and immature behavior.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 12:34pm

I agree with the other posters, but the making the bed got my attention. I know you didn't think it was a big deal, and in the scheme of things, it isn't. But in the intial phases of a relationship, I would recommend never doing any kind of housework at your boyfriend's house. He slept in that bed too--I say let him make it. And if a guy is into you, he isn't going to care if you make the bed! I would also recommend not cooking for him for a while--and when I like someone, I really want to cook for them, but I hold back for a while. I want someone to court me, and that means we go out, or hey, he can cook for me, although like Musiclover said, it's better not to hang out at each other's place to avoid too-early sex.

I had a friend (now deceased) who was telling me about a woman he was dating, but it was obvious he wasn't really into her, althugh that didn't stop him from having sex with her. Now, this guy was a little weird about some things, and one of the things he told me was that one night this woman spent the night at his place and didn't make up the bed. He thought that was just awful--he really expected her to. I was just stunned. There had been a woman who he was madly in love with before this woman, we'll call her Brigette--she was French. So I asked him, "Would you have cared if Brigette didn't make up the bed?" He had to admit no. After hearing that story, I think I would immediately break up with a man who expected me to make up the bed. 

I know this doesn't relate directly to your story, it just made me think about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 7:20pm

I dated my ex for 2 yrs before we moved in together--we used to alternate staying at each other's houses on weekends.  I never once made the bed at his house or cooked at his house--he was a great cook, by the way, much better than me.  Now that I think about it, I probably never cooked for him at my house either.  lol  Well I'm sure I must have eventually, but I can't really remember doing it.  But I remember some great meals at his house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2013
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 12:10am
Thx all for replying ... Makes me feel better about the situation .. I feel led on bc we were very close Like we cared about each other and defended one another ... It wasn't just physical or so I thought... How could someone stick up for someone, take care of them and make sure they r ok, do this. It's obvious feelings would develop.. He told me he was secretly hoping I'd break off my relationship .. Which I did but not cuz of him ... Anyway.... I'm just shocked .. I only hope he doesn't think of me as that Annoying girl... I hope that he Contacts me only so I can tell him I'm busy... Deep down I don't think I was annoying .... I never asked him why won't he answer my texts or call me or make a big deal of anything ... Ahhhh so confusing ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:23pm

Unless you can get him to tell you what went wrong, you will never know.  No amount of speculating, asking for opinions, ruminating, etc. will give you any answers.  If it's important to you to get answers, just call him (don't text or email) and ask.  From your description, there are any number of things that could have happened.

You may have even said something that you thought was innocuous, but that made him realize that you're incompatible.  I can think of a lot of things that might make me decide that a relationship wasn't going to work.  If a woman indicated that she thought it was okay for people to put a dog to sleep just because it was getting old, that alone would do it, because it would indicate a very severe lack of compassion to me.  A woman saying that anal sex is "icky" would do the same, because it would make me realize that we had very different approaches to sex.  Too much talk about men needing to be "chivalrous" would do the same.

Ultimately, the only way you are going to know is to try to get him to tell you.