Did she really love the guy back home and not now? Does he still have a chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2011
Did she really love the guy back home and not now? Does he still have a chance?
2
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 4:36pm
26 yr old woman was involved with a guy for two years and then moves across the country for grad school. She is insecure and needy. She has a bf almost right away, a guy from her program. She tells the guy back home during conversation, he gets upset and stops contacting her. Obviously the guy back home was hurt by being replaced right away. Time goes on, it appeared they broke up after a few months and got back together shortly afterwards which is somewhat normal. During that time she would periodically try and get in touch with the guy back home, but he either wouldn't respond or say very little compared to normal. She tried to see him when she came up for X-mas the year before, but he didn't respond to her. More time went on and in early March 2012, the guy vanished from her profile pic and she began to contact the guy back home even more than before and became much more active on is FB page, always liking/commenting on stuff, called him a few days after the pic of the guy vanished, sent him ANOTHER PICTURE OF HER CAT, etc. Random texts followed that spring as well. Still, she didn't get much response from him. He later found her on multiple dating sites listed as single. He was happy to see this, but still wouldn't reach out to her in fear of being rejected, while others suggested that she probably feared the guy back home would reject her too. She would like/comment on his posts weekly too, even though he NEVER did that in return, in fact he hadn't liked/commented on any of her posts since he heard about that new guy. He hid her wall actually. This FB crap went on all summer and into the fall, with her getting very little from the guy back home, a few texts here and there, but that's it, usually in response to a question she asked him on FB. 2.5 months ago, that guy at school appeared in her profile pic again and her dating site profiles disappeared and she put up an old pic of the two of them as well and she bragged on FB about going to see her bf's family out of state. The guy back home was extremely hurt to see that the guy at school was back, but realized he wasn't too responsive, but not sure if that would have changed anything. What does it sound like is going on here? Is the guy at school her true love or is there still a lot of feelings for the guy back home? People have said she apparently cannot let go of the guy back home, being so active on his FB wall and the stuff she was doing before. He disabled his FB wall soon afterwards as well. He also composed a letter/email to her tell her how he still had feelings for her, etc. I mean it sure seemed like she was seeking his attention often, but being insecure and a poor communicator, she would do the odd ways of trying to contact him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
You've posted about this woman a few times before over a period of time with a lot of focus on her. So, let's be honest, you can't let go of her. She may have been contacting you to re-establish a friendship or you may be her safety net for when she isn't with a guy. The time she was contacting you would have been the time to test the waters and find out she where she's at, but it sounds like you kept a wall up until she was back with a guy, then you want to communicate your feelings. Guessing you wanted her to crawl back with you in a power position, and that didn't quite work out.
 
In other words, you're accusing her of behavior (fear of rejection, poor communication) that seems to also be true of yourself. You also seem to have a condescending opinion of her due to what may come from being hurt that she has chosen to both move away and move on to someone else. That kind of opinion is not good even for a friendship.
 
I'm a guy, we've all been there having something not work out with a relationship. The thing to do is move on before the bitterness takes over any more than it has. Since she's 26, you must be around that age, so there are a lot of single women out there. Seems well past the time for you to start using your energy to meet new people to date.
 
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

What does it sound like is going on here?

Gameplaying.

 Is the guy at school her true love or is there still a lot of feelings for the guy back home?

the guy back home ended the relationship with her and has made it quite clear through his actions that he was not interested in getting back with her.  What she extrapolated from that was to keep it moving, and she did.  Her thing stalled for a while and because she's insecure, she reached backwards to try to scare up some interest with the dude back home. Since he was more invested in enjoying watching her squirm as punishment for what she did, he played games with her.  Her guy at school reappeared and she dropped dude at home off at the mall and kept going.

People have said she apparently cannot let go of the guy back home, being so active on his FB wall and the stuff she was doing before. He disabled his FB wall soon afterwards as well. He also composed a letter/email to her tell her how he still had feelings for her, etc. I mean it sure seemed like she was seeking his attention often, but being insecure and a poor communicator, she would do the odd ways of trying to contact him.

It appears that  neither of them have good communication skills.   They dont' speak their minds--they rely on the other to read their mind and heart and it's obvious that both are woefully inept at it. Whatever happened to picking up the phone and making a declaration one way or the other?