Differing definitions
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| Wed, 04-11-2007 - 3:51pm |
New guy.
Tells me he likes me. Says he is wanting to make time for me if I can make time for him. We go out on a date on a Friday. It goes really well, but no plans made for the next date. I have a busy week, so I go about my merry way. I end up not seeing him until the next Sunday, and that was not because anything was planned. I had a friend cancel on me, and this guy just happened to call. So I said I could go out.
Then comes this week. I'm leaving for vacation on Friday. I have nothing going on this week. Nothing. I talk to him last night and we discuss how I'm out of town this weekend and then I have a lot of things going on next week. Again, he doesn't try to make any plans.
I finally say to him, "I don't think our calendars will allow us to date". He jokes and finally says maybe we can see each other Thursday. I felt like I had to almost beg for that, but honestly, if I don't see him Thursday, I won't see him for two weeks. I'm sitting here thinking "you want me to make time for you and I'm trying. You say you are making time for me, but I really don't see it".
Do we just have differing definitions of making time for each other? I'm guessing we have differing definitions of dating in general.

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It sounds like he might not be a plan-ahead type of person. His idea of making time is seeing you if he happens to be free and you happen to be free, rather than planning ahead. That drives me *up a wall*, personally ;-), because I have a life and if something doesn't get put on the calendar it's not likely to happen. Plus, I *like* having a guy plan ahead and having the date to look forward to--it makes me feel cared for. But non-planner types don't understand that.
So, that might be the challenge here. Not so much him not making time, as him not being willing/able to put things on the calendar and plan ahead.
Sheri
Yeah, I know he is busy. But I'm busy too. I'm not expecting him to jump up and want to see and talk to me everyday, but by making the statement that he likes me and wants to make time for me, one would expect that he would try to put something on calendars. Show that he means what he says.
Its Thursday, lets see if he even calls. If not, I'm off on vacation tomorrow. His loss. Will connect when I get back, but won't make seeing him a priority.
I find that "calendaring" can be a very big issue between people, and maybe that is just something that you are not compatible with. I am more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person, and I HAD a couple of friends who insisted on putting things on the calendar and then confirming and then reconfirming. If I didn't give 2 confirmations, then they would assume that we weren't going through with our plans, which to me was the equivalent of them bailing out at the last minute. It wound up being such a big issue that we are not friends anymore because it was too stressful on both sides.
Because for me, if you're available next thursday, and I say "sure, thursday's good" that's it. I've got plans with you. No "calendaring," no "confirmation". The whole structured time out is very stressful for me. Luckily I have a BF who is the same way, and we're both very busy; him, full-time in school and interviewing all over the country for jobs, and me working AND going to school. Yet we have no problem seeing each other. If we're free, we're free, if we're not, we're not. It's not that big of a deal.
So I guess my long, drawn-out story was to say that this might not be the right guy to date, if your approaches to time differ that greatly.
Your system works for you, which is great, but I would imagine you might feel differently if you didn't get to see your BF for, say, 3-4 weeks at a time because he isn't willing to plan ahead and whenever he was free, you weren't, or vice versa. I've had that type of thing happen and it's just too darn frustrating. At some point, you have to be realistic about the necessity to schedule time together, KWIM?
But I agree with you about the confirming and re-confirming, LOL! If I commit to doing something, I'm going to be there, so there's no need to confirm and re-confirm although I do end up doing it because so many people are flakes and don't show up if you don't confirm.
Sheri
well you've just met and there's nothing "definitive" going on between the two of you. So I know it's frustrating but you can see him casually when its convenient for both . but if he continues on that way indefinitely well, then take your cue from that
Actually, the first few months we were dating, I only saw him about once or twice a month. Lucky for me I (barely) ignored all that "he's just not that into you" crap and stuck with it, and now he is a most attentive, loving BF I've ever had. I guess it's just what you're willing to put up with. Most of my girlfriends (and male friends) would have dumped him right away, but they would have missed out on a LOT. :)
Good luck to you!
Yeah, I'm in month...oh let's see, I think it's month 7 of that with this one guy...but even I who probably give way too much benefit of the doubt am losing patience, LOL! I'm seeing him tonight (first time in about a month, I think) and probably ending it unless he gives me a really good reason not to--I just can't deal with the infrequency of our dates, as much as I do enjoy his company when I see him. A couple months, I could have dealt with--but this is just too much!
Sheri
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