Differing definitions

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Differing definitions
13
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 3:51pm

New guy.

Tells me he likes me. Says he is wanting to make time for me if I can make time for him. We go out on a date on a Friday. It goes really well, but no plans made for the next date. I have a busy week, so I go about my merry way. I end up not seeing him until the next Sunday, and that was not because anything was planned. I had a friend cancel on me, and this guy just happened to call. So I said I could go out.

Then comes this week. I'm leaving for vacation on Friday. I have nothing going on this week. Nothing. I talk to him last night and we discuss how I'm out of town this weekend and then I have a lot of things going on next week. Again, he doesn't try to make any plans.

I finally say to him, "I don't think our calendars will allow us to date". He jokes and finally says maybe we can see each other Thursday. I felt like I had to almost beg for that, but honestly, if I don't see him Thursday, I won't see him for two weeks. I'm sitting here thinking "you want me to make time for you and I'm trying. You say you are making time for me, but I really don't see it".

Do we just have differing definitions of making time for each other? I'm guessing we have differing definitions of dating in general.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:50pm
If you don't mind sharing, how did this once or twice a month situation come about and how did that lead to what you have today?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:14pm

Well I'd like to say I had all this wisdom and patience, but I actually kind of was on an emotional rollercoaster for the first few months. I had been single for 10 years, didn't remember how to date, had the privilege of having my mother send me that stupid, stupid book "He's Just Not That Into You," and the wisdom of my friends who said that if he wasn't coming around all the time he must not be that into me.

Well like I said I'd been single for 10 years, so I figured waiting to see him wasn't going to kill me, especially since when we WERE together he was COMPLETELY focused on me, attentive, affectionate, romantic in his own way, and 100% present. And like I said, he was earning his degree in Electrical Engineering, and from all accounts I hear, people earning that degree don't emerge from the lab very often at all. Plus, I'm working full-time and going to school part time, so I figured I'd keep him around, cause I certainly didn't have time to date anyone else, and he was growing on me. ;>

Then he got an internship in a neighboring state, and I was sure that was going to be the end of it, but he made several trips up to visit me over long weekends and we spent hours of the phone. Oddly enough, I think that was when we really started bonding; when he was over 300 miles away! Because he had the time to communicate with me. Then after 3 months he came back, started school again, and bam...it went back to the way it was. Which pissed me off a little but also told me/confirmed that the first few months weren't a lie...he really was that busy.

Well one day, wonderful or not, I made up my mind. I said sure, I've been single this long, but I can't keep a relationship like this for ever, so if he doesn't start becoming more invested by a certain date then I'm going to have to call the whole thing off. I think it was about a month after that when he did start calling more often and wanting to see me more often. And once we hit about 9 or 10 months together, it just started snowballing and he has gotten MORE affectionate, MORE loving, wants to spend MORE time with me, calls me every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times if something's going on, and we spend every weekend together.

So that's that. He's a slow starter, I guess. Maybe he was feeling me out. I don't know .I'm glad that I gave him a chance, although frankly, if I wasn't as busy as I am, I might not have. I've also kept my own life, my own identity, my own friends; I've made a point to have monthly dates with 3 or 4 friends that I have, and do social things to keep my sanity and balance.

I guess it boils down to what you're willing to deal with. One thing I wanted in a man was one who pursued me, and despite the fact that it was a veeeeryyyy slow pursuit, he did and still does. One consistent piece of advice that I've been given by everyone much older than I is that slower is better and that the pace of this relationship has been a good thing. It sure doesn't FEEL like it when you're in the beginning and everything is new and exciting, but I have to say, we've had time to really get to know each other pretty well, and have great communication, and I have to agree with those older folks.

So that probably won't help, but that's the story in a very large nutshell. :)

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 6:18pm
I see, he was very busy at first. I assume that when he moved back that he became ultra busy again? Those first 10 months must have been anguishing. I remember when I was working full time and going to school part time I used to do my homework on mass transit so that when I got home I could actually breathe. "Slow starter" aren't the words to describe this guy. I have been single for over 6 years now. So, have you baked any humble pie for your mother and friends yet?

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