Dilema

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Dilema
6
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:21pm
Ive been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years....Im 33 and hes 37.......he has a 9 year old from a previous marriage......Maybe its just me.......But Im so worried.....that Im getting to old and want to get married and start my family......I know that sounds so lame......he says he does want to marry me and wants more kids but not right now....and I just feel my clock is ticking......I want to start my family before its to late....or I dont want to try for years on trying to get pregnant ( im having medical problems) I would never tell him this.....because....I know it sounds silly......Please help......I get so upset and depressed.....cause I want kids so bad...his child loves me to death....but he is so afraid of how the child will react
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: birchbeer6
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:39pm

birchbeer6...

Pianoguy LOVES your name. It has been a very long time since he enjoyed a glass of REAL BIRCH BEER!

If the issues of when and how soon are bothering you...then you're probably going to have to let the man know about your "biological clock" and how much children mean to you. Suffering in silence is going to make you miserable and could actually trigger an argument (and I'm sure you don't want that)!

While I'm sure that his 9-year old child is precocious as most 9-year olds are...the 2 of you CAN'T live your lives based on her needs and responses. You didn't indicate the sex of the 9-year old, but assuming she's a girl...you might be amazed by how quickly (and positively) she'd respond to having a brother or sister?

My gut is telling me that your b/f is using "his child" as an excuse to keep your relationship "on hold!" So perhaps this is a good opportunity to find out...once and for all...if there's a future ahead for the both of you?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: birchbeer6
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 1:33pm
He knows exactly how much I want kids......and I agree and his family agrees that he is using his child as an excuse......to put his life on hold...and hes afraid of hurting his daughter...she use to live with him and stayed with her mom every other weekend......last year she went threw a phase where she only wanted her mom...and when he would get her she would cry for her mom.....now to make his daughter happy...she is living with her mom and with him every other weekend...Im just afraid, If all of what Im feeling comes out I wont stop....and it will get ugly....We love each other......and I know he is the one for me...but no matter what I say, I know he will throw his daughter in my face. and how can I compete with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: birchbeer6
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 2:22pm

birchbeer 6:

Simple answer: YOU CAN'T!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: birchbeer6
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 2:49pm
I think there's a problem when an adult makes their life decisions in fear of how a child would react. Who is in charge, the child or the parent? He is letting her manipulate him and if that's the type of paren the is then be prepared for a lifetime of him using his daughter as an excuse against you, to his benefit, and of his daughter walking all over the both of you. I think HE is the "silly" one, at age 37, telling you yes he wants more kids but not now b/c his 9 yr. old won't like it. Um, then *when* exactly are these other kids going to come? When you're 40? 50? What he's telling you doesn't make much sense to me. Really, you need to have a long and serious discussion with him about this. Make sure he's not just saying what you want to hear. TELL HIM how you feel b/c it is not silly at all. You need to know what your future with him is going to entail (and not entail) and please do not be strung along by any more promises that don't make sense. You need to know the REALITY of this situation so you can make a decision for yourself whether to not have children of your own and stay with this man or to move on to have children with someone else (which would most likely take a few years of your life even to happen, at best, but don't count out the possibility as a choice you have, b/c it IS one). This is IMPORTANT. You need more than a vague "some day" from him b/c you need to make some wise decisions for yourself and your OWN life. You say you love one another and I don't doubt that, but that alone isn't enough to create a successful relationship unfortunately. You say he's the one for you but is he? If you want children and he won't have any more (despite telling you he agrees -- actions speak louder than words) then is he a right fit for a woman who very much wants her own children? Also, putting the issue of children aside, is he even prepared to marry you in the near future? If not, you need to do some serious thinking b/c the clock IS ticking. Time won't stop in fear of his daughter. Good luck.


Edited 12/1/2004 2:55 pm ET ET by boobeetrap
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: birchbeer6
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 3:36pm
WOW, thanks for the advice....it helped alot....cause I thought it was just me and thinking of myself....I will have to have a long talk with him.....it might not be pretty but it has to be done.....so I know what decisions I have to make.....thank you thank you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: birchbeer6
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 3:52pm
You are most welcome. Remember that the best road for a person isn't always the easiest. Good luck.