Dilemna
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| Tue, 11-16-2004 - 6:01pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together over 5 years. He's 32, I am 25. We've had our up and downs, but everything has always worked out. I've graduated college, found a wonderful job, all the while he has been trying to "get ahead" in a dead-end career. When we met, he was living alone, but soon after had to move in with Mom for a few years to get finances straightened out.
He recently bought a small 2 bd/1ba house that was cheap because alot of work needed to be done on it. He's gained the skills as a contractor to work on this house himself to fix it up. This is a huge and good thing for him, and something that he needed to start getting himself out of his hole.
I've been living alone for the last few years. We've never lived together until he bought this house, although I have not "officially" moved in because I still am paying rent on my apartment and more than half of my stuff is still there. I've been staying at his house with him since he moved in. He likes me there, we've been getting along great as well. He's been asking my input on some things he does to his house and even calling it "ours" sometimes. When he first put the offer in on this house, he mentioned that he wanted us to live together and he'd "return me the favor" for him staying at my apt with me so much (4-5 days/week) when he was living with his mother.
Now I've been asking him when I can put my 30-day notice into my apt. since I'm paying rent and essentially haven't been there. Waste of money. He's been dragging out me putting this notice in until he gets some of the major projects done in his house... some of which includes maybe not having water or heat for a week or two. The other day we talked about this again and he is now quite rock-solid that when I move in, I am splitting everything down the middle with rent and the bills. Meaning, I'd be paying half of his mortgage (he won't put my name on the house until and if we are married) as well as the bills. I have a big problem with this.
He states he's far far away from the topic of marriage w/ me because he's got some financial and etc. issues to work out with himself. I've been more than patient and understanding of this even though I am not on the same page. Being that he's so far from that sort of a commitment with me, I think it's unfair for me to pay half of everything when he'll be getting all the profit when he sells. I feel like I'm taking a chance and taking on some his financial burden when it won't do me anygood (maybe?) if we were to split. This is also such a deal because right now I can afford to buy a house myself (about a year ago I was casually looking to buying my own place myself since I can afford it). I make almost twice as much as him which has also been a sore spot. I understand his point of view with the money and rent... but I still think it's unfair. I'm not saying I am wanting a free roof over my head. I would help out and give him $$, just not half.
I need some other views on this. I feel like I've come to a forked road: one is giving into him and paying that money or two: simply buying my own house and living apart from him for more years to come. After 5 years together, I think this is rediculous. He is willing to take the next step and move in together just as much as I am. But this has become a huge disagreement with the money and what is fair to both of us. He makes me feel like if I don't pay him half, then I'm not moving in at all. He also has to always point out how much money I make and that this isn't that much of a loss to me. To me, it is and could be because like I said, I could buy my own house right now.
Help!?

Sorry you aren't going to like my opinion.
You are renting right now right? So in essence you are paying your landlords mortgage, and you aren't getting anything out of it right? So what's the difference? If you move in with your boyfriend, than I think you should contribute to half the household expenses including the mortgage, oil, etc.
If you trust him, why are you worried he's going to screw you? Life isn't always "what's in it for me?"
If you don't want to do it then get your own house and when you two decide to marry then you sell one or both and get a house together.
If half of the bills at his place more or less than you pay now for an apartment? If it's less, then you're profiting and not losing anything over what you're paying now. If it's more, then I'd see you being hesitant. You have nothing to lose though since your name isn't on the mortgage.
If he's not ready to commit, then it doesn't hurt for you to go ahead and buy a house now. If he's going to sell his fixer upper anyway, then if your relationship does progress later, he could move into your house. It seems like he should have some idea though after five years of dating if he thinks you have any real hope of a future together.
Well, I'd say that if you're not paying half - he's going to refuse to let you move in.
Here's the thing...you've got facts and feelings VERY intertwined and comingled and I think that is half of your dilemma.
This guy is saying he is NOT ready for commitment. So....when you heard that...did that perk up your ears at all in the "relationship only" aspect. Did you hear - we might not ever marry, I'm not sure what I want in life, I have a particular position in life that I must reach or else I'll never commit. Because he did say all that - whether you heard it or not.
So, then he proceeds to say - he expects you to pay half. Well, he's now making a business agreement based on the fact above. HE's not "committed to you or a future with you". He bought this house as a way to better his situation. IF you want to live there because it is a better living arrangement for you - you'll pay half the mortgage and the utilities.
So, on a business level....does that work for you. Is this location closer to your interests or your job? IS this a more pleasant to you living arrangement? And realize that living WITH someone is impactive. It's one thing to "split the rent" - it's a muc harder thing to "split the kitchen cleaning".....although you can let things denigrate to the point that you actually label your food so the other person "can't eat it",a dn you lock the washer/dryer when you leave for work because "it's mine and I say you can't use it" - I did that at the end of the 3rd marriage LOL!
So, I think what you're looking at is this. YOu're "dating' this guy - and there is no future in dating. There is no future being consiered "while dating" - everybody's going to have a future, and discussion of a future is fine....but there is no "future" in dating.
You two are dating...he's stated he's not committed. He now wants to make a business arrangement......BECUASE YOU'VE PUSHED. I stressed that because I'm willing to bet that if you had been unwilling to confront about when you could start saving money based on all that you've tolerated and expended on his behalf....."could you move in" wouldn't be an issue. He wouldn't be "inviting"...and you wouldn't be "asking". IT's you pushing to get your "fair share" that has him forced to "tell you how it is".
So....if this as a location and arrangement suits you - do it. Realize that sex if you continue to have it is just a "benefit" to you both based on the living arrangement. Nobody "owes" you for having sex, nor do you owe him for having it with him.
But...if you'd check legally - you have absolutely NO vested intereest or right to any portion of that house should he sell it even if you do pay "rent" until you are legally married. And from that point only...not prior to the marriage, even if you were contributory prior to marriage.
In most states - iti's "community property laws" that preside in the courtroom if it comes down to it. What you had coming in - it's yours. What he had coming in - it's his. What you two "acquired" together must be "split equitably"...and i the case of property - that often translates out to "when it sells you get "X percentage of the profit". Which is just anotehr nail in the coffin that keeps you tied to this "dead" relationship. Because for you to get what is legally yours, you have to keep up with the house ownership details. And if he sells, you have to pursue your portion first with him, and then thru the court at your own expense if he doesn't divvy it up on his own. If in court, what you were awarded at the time of the split was 50% of the profit...and he's sold the house at a true profit of $500....what you're ging to get is $250. Is that kind of chump change worth keeping up with someone's whereabouts and business dealings for the next 10 years following the end of a relationship? NOt really.
Basically, you've been served notice that a huge portion of your relationship is simply structured around "investment and benefit" by him...and I bet he assumed "by you". That you two have been dating, enjoying what is, realizing that he at least is so far away from where he requires himself to be to commit - there is no point in considering whether you're someone he would commit to.
If you've thought all along by default of your generosity, sacrifice, efforts, tolerance, and assistance that you are already committed to, or entitled to a commitment and wouldn't ahve done all you've done had you known "this" - do yourself a huge emotional favor.
Get out now.......overcoming that kind of resentment is hard to do, it takes years of introspection.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I don't think you should move in AT ALL, not only are you going to contibute to his mortgage and get NOTHING out of it when he sells it or if he gets married to someone else but you will have lost money that could have gone to your OWN house.
Get out and buy your house and start rethinking this relationship, if after five years he is not willing to committ what do you think the next five years hold. I say buy your house and start dating others, maybe then he will ask you to move in for FOREVER and rent FREE!!
Best of Luck to you!!!!!
My two cents. Live your life as you would if he wasn't there.
Buy your own home. Live there. Enjoy it. Spend some nights at your bf's home. Him at yours. But I wouldn't put your life on hold because of a man.
He's, in my opinion, leading you on. It's been over 5 years and he's not ready to marry you because he's financially not set. Well, compared to what? You? He will never be set. And with his broken down house, you'll be waiting until that thing is totally fixed up before he even STARTS to think about proposing.
Sorry to be harsh, but I sense that you're wasting your time on him. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, if you live on your own, he'll find the right time to move thigns forward (in your r'ship), and if you two do decide to marry, then you can sell one of the houses, or rent it out.
Personally, I wouldn't pay half of his mortgage. Especially if I could afford to buy my own home. I'd buy my own home, instead of waiting for him to come around, so I can "have his home become my own".
Live your life as if he wasn't in it. What would you do? Would you continue in your apt? Or would you buy a home? You are basing your life on a man who can't even think of marriage yet. It's time to back off a bit.