Dinner with his Ex?

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Dinner with his Ex?
19
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 12:43pm

I am wondering if I did the right thing. I have been dating a guy exclusively for four months. He has been divorced about 18 months. He Ex-wife of fourteen years came into town and is staying with their mutual friends. When we were on our way to dinner, my BF told me she had called an hour earlier to say she had prepared dinner and we were invited to eat with her and the two friends. He said he thought he would be fairly comfortable doing that, but it was my call.

This took me by surprise, and I declined, saying I didn't think I would be comfortable. MY BF was totally understanding. But I have been second-guessing myself, and wondering if I showed a lack of class or set a bad precedent for future interactions with her. They have no children and she lives far away and has a new relationship. In fact, she left him for another man. I know almost nothing about her and have no inclination to know anything about her.

Is it normal for me to wonder what her motivation was here? I can't imagine what we would have talked about. I would have felt very uncomfortable.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 1:15pm

Hmm. I would have gone, I think. I am very much of the opinion that exes CAN be friends, and that one of the important things, if you're going to be friends, is being friendly to and inclusive of the ex's new/current SO. So, if I were in her shoes, that would have been my motivation.

But, if you were uncomfortable with the idea, then you were. That doesn't make you a bad person!

Sheri

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Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 5:53pm
I think I'm with Sheri.

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Avatar for memphisstars
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 12:04am

Thank you, Sheri and Vexer, for your replies. Anyone on here who would have chosen not to go, and why?

Perhaps she did have the intention of meeting me and wishing us well, but that is the last thing I would want if I had been married for so long. But that is just me and I understand other people can do that. I just had the distinct feeling she wanted to inspect me, and it would have been easy for her to put me down and say things about my BF I do not yet know. I have no feelings left for my ex-husband, but I would have no interest in having dinner with his girlfriend. I could care less.

I am still getting to know my BF, and since his Ex lives so far away, I could not see the purpose in getting to know her and risk being hurt. The less I know about his past women, the better I feel.

I had one of the most hurtful experiences of my life with an Ex-girlfriend who embarrassed me at dinner with friends. I think that took some of my trust of Exes away.

But I won't try in any way to keep them from being in contact, because that is not my place and that is a healthy thing if couples can work out a friendship. I am just very pleased he was honest with me about her contact and he respected my feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 7:24pm
This is a great post in my opinion because I think it is really a "to each his own" decision. If it had been just the ex inviting me to dinner with the bf of 4 months ( I have one of about 4 months too so I can relate to that stage of things) I would not have gone under any circumstances. I just have no interest in meeting an ex where there are no children linking them together so soon in the relationship. And I undrstand your fear of the inspection completely. However I guess I might have been tempted to go because of the two friends. Have you met them yet? It sounds like they are in town where you live from your post and meeting friends is important in any relationship. it helps you get to know your bf from a different angle. Maybe you have already met them by now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 8:40pm
He caught you by surprise and he wasn't bothered that you said no.
,
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:52pm
Exactly what I told him, but when I meet her, I want it to be on my turf with some notice in time. Then I may be more comfortable.
Avatar for memphisstars
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:57pm

Thank you for validating my feelings. I just can't understand her motivation, since she does not live anywhere near here. I can hold my own with most women, but why put myself through that? I have no interest in knowing anything about her. I certainly don't need her as a friend.

Yes, I have met the other two friends on several occasions. They live in my city and they are very nice. I did feel bad because they were also inviting me to their home, even though the Ex was cooking. But how in the world could THEY have felt comfortable in that situation? Can't help but think I spared us all a tense evening. This may work out in time, but to me, it is WAY too early to force this contact. Just me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:42pm
I agree with you completely. Bravo!
It is even hard sometimes to meet the friends knowing they probably cant help but spend at least a sec or two comparing you to the ex since they all knew her! I have had that feeling MANY times and had to brush it off. Cant avoid that and we all go through it - - - but you sure as sh** can avoid having the ex cook you dinner with the friends at the 4 month mark. She probably just wanted to look generous and accepting to the friends about her exe's new situation and really it is a bit overkill IMO. To me she is trying hard to make them think she is totally ok with the ex thing but by you saying you werent comfortable doing that at this juncture, you are the one who comes up classy to me since
1. it is too soon to have you thrust in this kind of meet and greet the ex madness which leads me to ------>>>>
2. there isnt any real reason for you two to become friendly ever with no kids involved ( why do some people think we al have to learn to like and get along with everyone??)
3. and you (maybe unlike her) dont have anything to prove to anyone
I would assume that you are your bf are still in the throws of getting to know one another. I think I would have avoided the situation also just because I treasure the duo time very much at this stage. It is a very special time in these months and there is a lot to learn about one another. Sometimes with busy schedules it is hard to find time to go out and to stomp on that with some insane ex request - I dont think so!!
You just keep following your gut. I wouldnt even mention it to him unless he brings it up. He may never say anything to you about it but I bet he totally respected your decision. Some people would have caved under that pressure and you were honest with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:47pm

I think given that it was a surprise, and you've not been dating long, you probably made the right choice this time. However, I'd consider it next time.

I went a period of time with no contact from one of my exes when I moved interstate. I'm not sure how we got back in touch (I think he came down for some work thing), but not long afterwards, he was in town again, with his new gf. I was living with a new bf at the time. I invited them over for dinner. I think the concept of that is difficult for a lot of people, but really, it gave everyone concerned a chance to see that neither relationship was threatened in any way.

My ex and I were probably better friends than partners all along and I'd say that played a part in it too. Ten years later, I still hear from him, but now it's down to just saying hi on birthdays and things like that. I'm glad though. He and his family were a big part of my life for a long time, so it's nice to know how they're doing from time to time. I'd be happy to have him and his partner (of the moment lol) to dinner again if circumstances made it possible.

There doesn't always have to be a negative motivation on the part of the ex in these circumstances. Could be they're simply a nice person. ;-)

Avatar for memphisstars
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:12pm
Thank you very much for your post. I agree time can heal many wounds and relationships can grow. I won't rule out anything. But I wonder what kind of a nice person would cheat on her husband over and over.

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