Dinner with his Ex?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Dinner with his Ex?
19
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 12:43pm

I am wondering if I did the right thing. I have been dating a guy exclusively for four months. He has been divorced about 18 months. He Ex-wife of fourteen years came into town and is staying with their mutual friends. When we were on our way to dinner, my BF told me she had called an hour earlier to say she had prepared dinner and we were invited to eat with her and the two friends. He said he thought he would be fairly comfortable doing that, but it was my call.

This took me by surprise, and I declined, saying I didn't think I would be comfortable. MY BF was totally understanding. But I have been second-guessing myself, and wondering if I showed a lack of class or set a bad precedent for future interactions with her. They have no children and she lives far away and has a new relationship. In fact, she left him for another man. I know almost nothing about her and have no inclination to know anything about her.

Is it normal for me to wonder what her motivation was here? I can't imagine what we would have talked about. I would have felt very uncomfortable.

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Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:33pm

Thank you VERY MUCH, Christine. I think you hit it out of the ballpark!

Seems like it was a power play on her part to see if I would take the bait, answer the cattle call. Why would she have any interest in someone who has just been dating her Ex for a few months (other than sheer curiosity, or like you said, making herself look good?) We are not engaged or married. I am not unduly suspicious of women, but something about this whole scenario just did not add up, and I could hear alarm bells going off in my head. Makes me wonder if my BF is not more serious about me than he admits, for her to want an "audience" with me! LOL

Not to obsess about this, but I got burned really bad in a triangle before, and I am trying to learn to set healthy boundaries. Thank you for your encouragement! It is hard enough to step into someone's life and meet their friends and family who have known the former spouse for many years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:55pm

I think you did the right thing. She would know how uncomfortable it would be for you. If you guys really want to catch up I cant see why though, meet in an informal setting like at the local hotel or restaurant or something, I dont think It was a proper thing to do on her part to ask you both over for dinner without properly getting to know you first.

Good luck,
natasha

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 1:53am

Well, I don't recommend or condone cheating in any circumstance, but I reckon that, in some cases it might just come down to those people simply not being right for each other. I don't necessarily think her cheating on him makes her a bad person, or even a 'not nice' person...just the wrong person for him.

The ex who I invited to dinner....I don't know if he cheated on me before he moved out, but I suspect he did. I've never asked him though, coz it's not relevant anymore. It wasn't even relevant when we broke up, coz we would have regardless. Whatever he did, he did because he thought that was the right decision for him at that time. I think we both realised pretty quickly after we broke up that we were better friends than partners....and we're better people apart than we were together. I'll make a massive assumption here and suggest that your partner and his ex are too? :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 3:03am
He didn't give you a whole lot of notice and you were put on the spot. My first reaction would have been "oh hell no" and given the amount of time I was given to think about it, that would have been my final answer as well... If he had given more notice and given you time to think about it, would you have considered going?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 3:06am

<>

AMEN TO THAT, SISTAH!

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 10:15am

I might have considered going if I had had more notice, but now that I have read all the wonderful responses on here, and thought about it more, I am so glad I didn't go. It is just way too early in my relationship to wrestle with such distractions.

I still can't understand her motives, and until I get a clearer picture of her and his feelings toward her, I won't be comfortable in her presence. Thank goodness she lives so far away, so I don't anticipate it coming up again for quite a while.

This has actually helped my relationship with my BF. He appreciates the way I have handled it and it has encouraged him to continue to be open with me. My calmness has really been rewarded! Thank you all for your wonderful support! The ladies of iVillage are such a wonderful bunch!

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 10:32am

The only reason I was surprised he would even consider having dinner with her is that my BF displayed such negative feelings towards her just a couple months ago and indicated she cheated on him many times over the course of their fourteen-year marriage. Several of his other friends have told me they are so glad he is finally with a "nice" person, whatever that means.

Knowing this, I can't say I have any desire to socialize with someone who hurt my new friend so much.

But I do understand there are two sides to every divorce, and if they can work out a friendship, that is the best thing that can happen. I told him I fully support that.

I can only say that my Ex-BF cheated on me less than a year ago, and no way would I sit across the table from him. Maybe I will if lots of time passes.

It is not my place to sit in judgement of her or anyone else, especially since I don't even know her. But I sure don't have to choose her to be one of my friends.

He told me last night that he really didn't want to have dinner with her either, so it has all worked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 10:33am

Ofcourse, I don't exactly know her motivation, but I have a feeling she was trying to be polite and courteous and friendly by inviting him (being in the same town n all) and ALSO inviting you. She could have just invited her ex-husband, but she chose to include you, because she was thoughtful. She did not want to put any ideas in your mind about her intentions. Regarding her likely thoughts about "inspecting" you, it could all be in your mind. Maybe she also had the hardest time wondering how she will handle meeting you, but despite that feeling, she invited you, because she wanted to do the "right" thing.

Ofcourse, we still don't know what her "character" is like. Is she one of the nice ladies, or one of those women who might bitch. Inanycase, I have a feeling she did not mean harm.

And the last minute notice makes it seem like she did not really plan this thing in advance. Which could be a good sign, if you know what I mean.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 11:57am

I need to withhold my opinion of her until I meet her, but I still question her motivation because, living so far away from here, there is really no reason for her to have to meet me, and I just feel she was curious.

I am not really sure if she intended to invite me from the outset, because my BF and I had plans for dinner, and she may have just invited him and he told her we already had plans. So, maybe she just said to bring me, too. She sure didn't speak to me directly to invite me.

I guess that is why my gut instinct was not good about this, and I have learned to trust my gut. But I will give her the benefit of the doubt until I meet her, which, frankly, I hope is a long time! Who knows? I may not be with this guy very long, but he sure has impressed me by the way he handled this!

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