Is this disrespectful????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Is this disrespectful????
5
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 7:41pm

I've been dating this guy for a year and a half now. We just moved in with each other about 5 months ago...boy was that an adjustment. We have had so many problems but I guess we are in "love" so we work things out and plug along.

I've also been going through a lot personally and to help with my anxiety and stress I went on Paxil a little over a month ago. The bad thing is now my sex drive has gone from fairly high to almost non existant.

He tells me it is okay, he knows I love him , and he kind of likes to be the pursuer anyway. Crappy thing is he doesn't pursue. So our sex life has also become almost non existant.

He has a stong belief that masterbation is a great thing. If I'm not around then he thinks it is fine to just wack one off. I didn't really like that at first but I've become accustomed to it. Now we run into my question. The last two nights I have come on to him...not a usual thing anymore...I've actually been in the mood. Both nights we ended up going to bed, and nothing happened. This morning I caught him in the shower with his manhood in his hand, taking care of it himself. He tried to lie saying he was getting ready to shave it (the razor wasn't in the shower), then blamed it on me saying that I didn't give it to him that morning (when all he did was place my hand on it). I felt really disrespected...one cuse I was at home in the other room, and two b/c I'm not in the mood much anymore and for the last two nights had made a play and got nothing. Am I blowing this out of proportion or do I have a right to be upset?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 9:17pm
Why didn't you have sex the nights you were in the mood? Were you rejected or else? It's possible that he feels somewhat neglected sexually due to your low sex drive and wants to masturbate and get some on his own. This is very common in men, as masturbation gives them quick satisfaction without worryign about satisfying the woman. Since the issue of "you're not giving it to me in the morning" has come up I'd talk about it openly without accusing him or blaming you. Communication is essential. Try to compromise and reach mid ground.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:49am

Men do masturbate (women too!), that's not about you at all necessarily. However the two of you do need to talk candidly about the changes in your sex life since you went on Paxil - about not mistaking each other's signals, about how not to feel rejected, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 6:43pm

I feel especially motivated to respond to you because me and my boyfriend also suffered through a major adjustment period when we moved in together. It's a little over a year now and we still have our moments. But I think it's very common and very natural for couples to hit some snags as you're merging lifestyles and old habits. This is particularly challenging when the couple is a bit older... as me and my bf are... and you've both become rather stuck in your ways.

In terms of your sex drive, I think you should first talk to your doctor about the Paxil. Sexual dysfunction is a very common side effect of anti-depressants. Maybe she/he can put you on a lower dose, or an alternate medication.

But I don't think you should feel that your is being disrespectful when he masturbates. It's not a reflection on you or rejection of you. And I definitely think it's a mistake to complain or chastise him for masturbating. He has no reason to feel guilty about doing this, and it won't help YOUR cause if you argue about it.

I think you should try being a little more aggressive the next time you're in the mood. Hopefully, he'll be ready for you, too. Sex between couples isn't as mechanical as masturbation can be. There's more to it than just wanting to "get off." There are feelings involved, along with performance anxieties. You won't always want the same thing at the same time, as I'm sure you know.

Just don't give up. You love each other, so there's a commitment to getting back on a satisfying and mutual path together.

I wish you both well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 11:24pm
Yes. communication in a caring, not blaming or angry manner. Good luck
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 8:10pm

He likes the masterbation more than doing it with a woman. it's not healthy and certainly not good for a relationship.

Weigh things out, the bad the good, is he worthwhile as a companion and lover to you? Does he cuddle with you and show you affection? Everyone needs to be loved and cared for, does he love and care for you? Think it over. good luck