distant boyfriend? break it off?
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| Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:52pm |
I have been seeing this man for 5 months now, but I spent two months out of the country (visiting with family and friends back in Europe for a month and then another month spent there due to a family emergency). I don't know what happened (it was more than perfect when I left to go on my trip: lots of physical affection, great sex, intimacy, etc.; daily emails, ecards, talking on the phone...), but since I came back, he feels like a different person (the physical affection is totally gone; no emails, and phone calls are down to the necessary number of arranging dates) While we still see each other twice to three times a week (and he initiates dates more than 50 % of the time), I feel that our emotional connection is definitely suffering.
While he is definitely of the introverted type and calling me on the phone, for example, has never been his thing, I just feel undesired and unappreicated (he did try to call more often when we first started dating). Granted, he talks to me on the phone if I call, it seems that he is trying, but I still have the feeling that he is distant and cold. I wished he would call to just see how I am doing. He never does (true, I am the one who calls every other day to chat and he seems to be OK with it: I asked him explicitely, he said it doesn't bother him) I tried to talk to him about my perceptions (this was 6 weeks ago), and he honestly coouldn't see that his behavior had changed (he literally said: "I have feelings for you, but I don't know how to express them" -- yet, he did in the beginning: he couldn't stop telling me how wonderful I was, how special , peaceful and comfortable I made him feel, and so on so forth; he never does that anymore; I miss the physical affection too -- now he only does it as a prelude to sex; he seems to be OK if I initiate some display of physical affection, but again, as a woman I feel undesired). Shortly after we had this conversation, he was laid off work, so while things for me haven't improved, I am trying to give him his space, and be supportive since he is under a lot of stress right now.
So, on the one hand, he seems to be distant and cold, on the other hand, he was very supportive during several crisis episodes I had after he lost his job ( my 26 year-old brother died tragically and unexpectedly, and I had a major problem at work).He was wonderful, he drove to my place in the middle of the night, talked to me, really managed to comfort me; when I call him to talk about my loss (again, even in this situation, he wouldn't call to see how I am doing: and it is a major loss in my life -- I was exceptionally close to my brother) , he is always attentive and kind.... But, again, I don't want a man who only relates to me in times of crisis: I want him to be there for me every day...
I am not sure if I should just break it off: I definitely feel that my needs are not being met, and that I might be settling for less ( I do want a boyfriend who will call me, check how I am doing, basically show to me that I am important to him); on the other hand, he might be going through some phase. And yet, I am afraid that his initial attentiveness and appreciativeness were simply due to endorphine-induced infatuation with me, and he has moved to a stage where he feels he doesn't have to do that anymore. In addition, even though he is 34, he has never been in a LTR; We openly discussed the exclusivity of our relationship (he said: "I am not seeing anybody else and I am not actively trying to meet new people") in the hope that we can try something long term -- we agreed that this is what we want, of course, we don't know if we can have it with each other. it is confusing to me that in a way he treats me as one of the "gang" (he is very sweet, kind and helpful, yet, I get the impression that I happen to be just a friend he likes having sex with, and that's it; well, I don't think we are exactly friends with benefits, since he has introduced me to his friends too; we do things together) Well, the problem is that I don't know if I should just stop seeing him ( I do think he is a wonderful person -- which is, by the way, what all my friends think of him; I guess the problem for me, as I see it, is that he is equally wonderful to everybody, and is not really letting me into his life; or doesn't need me there anyhow -- I feel that if I stop calling him, he'll just call me once-twice a week to arrange for dates... if at all.
Sorry for the long and confusing message but it is the product of a very confused mind!

You say:
"In addition, even though he is 34, he has never been in a LTR"
Now you know why. Your needs aren't being met. I assume you have talked to him about it and nothing has changed. It's only been a few months, perhaps it is time to move on.