distant boyfriend? break it off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
distant boyfriend? break it off?
2
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:52pm

I have been seeing this man for 5 months now, but I spent two months out of the country (visiting with family and friends back in Europe for a month and then another month spent there due to a family emergency). I don't know what happened (it was more than perfect when I left to go on my trip: lots of physical affection, great sex, intimacy, etc.; daily emails, ecards, talking on the phone...), but since I came back, he feels like a different person (the physical affection is totally gone; no emails, and phone calls are down to the necessary number of arranging dates) While we still see each other twice to three times a week (and he initiates dates more than 50 % of the time), I feel that our emotional connection is definitely suffering.

While he is definitely of the introverted type and calling me on the phone, for example, has never been his thing, I just feel undesired and unappreicated (he did try to call more often when we first started dating). Granted, he talks to me on the phone if I call, it seems that he is trying, but I still have the feeling that he is distant and cold. I wished he would call to just see how I am doing. He never does (true, I am the one who calls every other day to chat and he seems to be OK with it: I asked him explicitely, he said it doesn't bother him) I tried to talk to him about my perceptions (this was 6 weeks ago), and he honestly coouldn't see that his behavior had changed (he literally said: "I have feelings for you, but I don't know how to express them" -- yet, he did in the beginning: he couldn't stop telling me how wonderful I was, how special , peaceful and comfortable I made him feel, and so on so forth; he never does that anymore; I miss the physical affection too -- now he only does it as a prelude to sex; he seems to be OK if I initiate some display of physical affection, but again, as a woman I feel undesired). Shortly after we had this conversation, he was laid off work, so while things for me haven't improved, I am trying to give him his space, and be supportive since he is under a lot of stress right now.

So, on the one hand, he seems to be distant and cold, on the other hand, he was very supportive during several crisis episodes I had after he lost his job ( my 26 year-old brother died tragically and unexpectedly, and I had a major problem at work).He was wonderful, he drove to my place in the middle of the night, talked to me, really managed to comfort me; when I call him to talk about my loss (again, even in this situation, he wouldn't call to see how I am doing: and it is a major loss in my life -- I was exceptionally close to my brother) , he is always attentive and kind.... But, again, I don't want a man who only relates to me in times of crisis: I want him to be there for me every day...

I am not sure if I should just break it off: I definitely feel that my needs are not being met, and that I might be settling for less ( I do want a boyfriend who will call me, check how I am doing, basically show to me that I am important to him); on the other hand, he might be going through some phase. And yet, I am afraid that his initial attentiveness and appreciativeness were simply due to endorphine-induced infatuation with me, and he has moved to a stage where he feels he doesn't have to do that anymore. In addition, even though he is 34, he has never been in a LTR; We openly discussed the exclusivity of our relationship (he said: "I am not seeing anybody else and I am not actively trying to meet new people") in the hope that we can try something long term -- we agreed that this is what we want, of course, we don't know if we can have it with each other. it is confusing to me that in a way he treats me as one of the "gang" (he is very sweet, kind and helpful, yet, I get the impression that I happen to be just a friend he likes having sex with, and that's it; well, I don't think we are exactly friends with benefits, since he has introduced me to his friends too; we do things together) Well, the problem is that I don't know if I should just stop seeing him ( I do think he is a wonderful person -- which is, by the way, what all my friends think of him; I guess the problem for me, as I see it, is that he is equally wonderful to everybody, and is not really letting me into his life; or doesn't need me there anyhow -- I feel that if I stop calling him, he'll just call me once-twice a week to arrange for dates... if at all.
Sorry for the long and confusing message but it is the product of a very confused mind!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:05am
You want a guy who will call you and see how you're doing. You like an affectionate guy, and you deserve a guy with all the attributes. Distant and cold guys never make good bfs. Talking from personal experience. Dating a guy like that is more damaging to the self esteem than people think. Anyone can "behave himself" for the first few months of dating, but eventually, the real guy will come out. The guy who tried to call you in the beginning is not the real guy. The guy who's distant and cold is the real guy. You can only keep up a nice facade for so long.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 9:00am

You say:

"In addition, even though he is 34, he has never been in a LTR"

Now you know why. Your needs aren't being met. I assume you have talked to him about it and nothing has changed. It's only been a few months, perhaps it is time to move on.