Divorce if I can't give him a child??
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| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:14am |
Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. We are completely head over heals in love with each other, have even toyed with the fact that this might be "it" for us. By the way, we are in our mid to late 20s. Anyways, we were up late last night talking about all sorts of things. We got on the subject of children and marriage, which we have talked about on occassion. Somehow it came out that he said "The only way I would get a divorce is if my wife couldn't give me a child." I was shocked. I just layed there. I asked him to repeat himself. I asked him "you mean you would hold it against your wife if she was infertile?" He explained that all his life he has wanted children of his own. He wants a child that is his blood, that came from him. He loves kids. He doesn't want to deny himself of the right to have a child of his own, that life is too short and you only get one chance at it.
I got kinda upset after hearing this. Even said to him "you mean, no matter what vows you took at your wedding, if I couldn't give you a child, you would leave me?" He said it wouldn't be the easiest thing in the world to do, that he wouldn't just up and leave, that he would never want to cause me heartache and he knows he would be heartbroken, but having a child of his own meant too much to him.
Ok am I being too incencitive here? Isn't he being a bit selfish? I understand his need for a biological child, as I want one as well. But adoption to me is always a choice and I'm all about unconditional love. You stick by that person no matter what heartaches you go through, you just don't walk away. And on top of that, how am I supposed to know if there's somethign wrong with me?! I've always had irregular periods, so God only knows if there is something wrong fertility wise. It just scares me. This is a man I love with all my heart. He treats me perfect, we have so much fun together. But hearing him say this break my heart, to the fact of we may see love as two different things. AND the fact that what if I do marry him, am I always going to be freaking out that if I can't give him a child he will leave me? It just doesn't seem healthy.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this?


First of all, you have only been dating 3 months, that is not long enough to get to know someone and know you want to spend your life with that person. It takes longer than that to actually know someone, their likes, dislikes, quirks, if your compatible.
Why don't you slow down a little bit and stop worrying about what might or might not happen IF you get married. He is not wrong / right in thinking the way he does, that is what he feels and he is telling you that. You not wrong/right in the way you see things, that is how you see them. What you have to decide is whether you "love" him enough to take him as he is, not as you want him to be.
First of all it takes much more than 3 months to truly love someone - the head over heals stuff is mostly infatuation - in fact most of the first year is mostly infatuation. Talking about marriage at this stage is putting the cart before the horse!
That said - everyone has deal breakers - his is fathering a child with his partner. If his partner can't do it, he'll find one who will. This is neither right or wrong - its what matters to him.
Personally, I see it as a bit extreme since there are many ways for him to father a child even if his partner couldn't conceive - that also doesn't require divorcing her. The point is - at this stage you don't know him well enough nor he you, to know that if this situation were to happen that he'd actually do it or not. What you have to decide is this: is his dealbreaker something you can confortably live with? Could you progress in a relationship with someone who says he'd leave a woman who couldn't have children through no fault of her own?
If you can't - then this is your sign that this man is not right foryou.
Toni
What you are in the process of learning is that there is no such thing as unconditional love. That is the stuff of fairy tales and movies. Every love has conditions to it. Once it stops feeling good to people or they dont get what they want from someone or the relationship they generally leave. And why live a so-so life? Yes, your BF is selfish but at least you know early on what to expect from him. I know you are crazy about him, but his position will probably never change. So you may wish to reconsider your relationship with him. For some people...if their partner gains excessive weight by choice (not illness)...the marriage is over. The traditional marriage vows state that the two will love each other in sickness and in health, for rich or poor, til death do us part...but that is not reality. There are people who refuse to have sex with their SO...should someone stay married and live this type of life? I dont' think so.
Marriage is a very tricky mobile to balance...everything has to work on its own AND together for a relationship to be functional PLUS happy. People who have never been married do not understand what it is like to really truely be married. It is a lot harder and not the fun or the fairy tales that everybody talks about. There are times you wish you never got married, and then there are times you don't know what you would do without or husband or wife by your side.