Divorced Boyfriend..Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Divorced Boyfriend..Help!
4
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 1:30pm

After breaking up with my boyfriend of three years a couple of months ago; I started seeing another guy about a month ago. We hit it off right from the start, and have literally spent every day and night together. We are both students at the same school; I'm an undergrad and he's a grad student.

He has done sort of "odd" things; things that really send up red flags for me. When we started dating, I was not on any kind of birth control pill. I didn't want to take ANY chances, so I said we have to use protection. It was almost like he ignored what I said, and tried to get away with it. I started going on the pill about 3 weeks ago, and my doctor told me to be very careful the first 2 weeks so that the pills can kick in. This time when I told him that info, he pretty much refused to use anything. He kept saying "you're so going to get pregnant."

He stays at my apartment every single night, and just shows up after he has class. It was nice the first few weeks, but now it's getting a little bit annoying. After about 2 weeks of dating, he was already talking about moving in together this summer.

A couple of days ago, I was speaking to a friend who I haven't seen in years, who happens to know him. He told me that my boyfriend was married when he was an undergrad to a girl who he met on craigslist. He said they dated for a month and got married- then she left him after 3 months of marriage. My friend was very nice about it- he definately was not trying to cause problems. He did say though, that my boyfriend liked to meet girls on craigslist... a lot.

I'm a little mad that he didn't tell me this up front. Am I overreacting? If I knew that he was married, I would never have continued the relationship. I know that might sound a bit selfish, but I don't want to possibly be someone's second wife. I want my husband and I to be eachother's first.

I asked him about it yesterday and he got really defensive. He ended up telling me that he was once married and never thinks about her. I had no idea how to react- he just kind of blew it off and made it seem like nothing happened.

I really don't think that I want to continue this relationship. Is it wrong to not want to be in a relationship with someone who was married to someone they met on the internet? All of his things are at my apartment, so it's a little bit hard to just call him and talk to him about it and be done with it.

My ex and I broke up after a pretty big fight. We really did love eachother, but I felt that it was best for me to move on. Now I feel myself missing him... a lot.

Any advice on what I should do?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 2:45pm

This is a man who likes to lock a woman in, that is why he doesn't want you to use birth control. He figures if you get pregnant he's got you for life.

This man isn't going to give you much room to breathe. He should have told you about his previous marriage. If you want to end things pack his stuff up and tell him to come pick it up. If he seems like he is going to get angry or violent, tell him you will have a friend deliver his belongings to his place.

Dating isn't about wrong or right. If you feel uncomfortable with a man, you have the right to break it off with him for any reason you choose.

Next time, ease into a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 3:09pm

I definately agree about easing into the relationship. That is how I feel though, that he may be trying to "lock me in." The one thing that it kind of weird is that the other night after going out with his friend and his girlfriend, he demanded that I show him my pills. He was acting as if I wasn't even taking them- then when he saw them he backed off and changed the subject.

Something I should have added in my post- he dated the girl for 2 months then married her. He said she had mental issues from the beginning- that is why they got divorced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 5:13pm
I don't see how you can even believe anything he says for sure. It sounds like he could have some mental problems himself. Why did he think it was a good idea to get married to someone he had just met? And why did he think it would be a good thing to try to make sure you got pregnant? These are not the actions of a man who is normal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 9:25pm

As I have not yet been married, I am also looking for someone who has never been married. That doesn't mean that the previously married person is in anyway a bad person or not great. It just means that person is not great for me.

In my opinion, something like previous marriages should come up very early in the relationship before the couple fall in love. I would not be okay with him keeping this from me, and I would leave him. But that's a decision only you can make. You love him. But is the love enough to overcome this?

All the best.