Do dreams matter
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| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:44pm |
Ok I've been dating a woman for almost a year. About four months ago we formally declared that we were in a relationship although for all intents and purposes we already were. Anyway on to the point of my post. She started this thing where in the morning she would ask "did you have any dreams". Neither one of us is the type that shares a whole lot of feelings, but I think we are both fairly comfortable talking and sharing with one another. So I usually will tell my dreams if I had any and remember them, and then I'll ask her the same question. She always tells me her's as well. Although I seem to have more than she does which I always share. Well early in the morning we were sleeping and she pops up in the bed. Obviously awaken from a dream. So this time I take the lead and ask "were you dreaming". She replies "yes" and then lies in bed as if shes thinking. Of course I expect her to start telling me about the dream, but only silence. So I prompt her "tell me about your dream". She replies "no". Huh... Thinking she's joking I ask if it was a nightmare and shes says no. Again, "are you going tell me about it"? "No" Still not really making a big deal of it I prompt again, she replies that she don't want to talk about it. So I assume that she's just being stubborn or just wants to go back to sleep. So I playfully start asking questions:
Was I in the dream? "no"
Was it about death? "no"
Was it about about family? "hmmm...In between"
Was it about violence or love? "no no"
Now I get a little more serious and start to feel there's a real reason she doesn't want to tell me about this dream. After all, this was her game although I came to enjoy the sharing. Now I don't want to be petty, but I guess there are some other reasons why this feels wrong to me. Mainly she has been married before and I haven't. There have been numerous questions in my head over the last couple months about the past and how it effects our current relationship. Some I've discuss with her, a few I haven't. So thats where I'm starting from on this issue.
So later she tries to console me and states that "I don't want to talk about it now because it will only lead to other questions that I'm not ready to answer". Well if I needed any validation that I wasn't just being completely silly that was it. Oh...So there is a real issue here. Now it feels like she's hiding something but why? Sounds like this dream could be based in reality.
Bottom line... am I being irrational about this situation. Now I'm not mad or anything, it just feels like shes hiding something. Maybe its feelings, maybe something that happen in the past, maybe something else. She did say that she wanted an IOU on the topic, but it didn't sound like it would be anytime soon. Just sometime in the future. Maybe shes hoping it'll go away. If I knew the nature of the dream I think I'd be much more willing to accept "we'll talk later". Although I'll accept it anyway, I just won't be comfortable with it. I don't feel like she has an obligation to share but I do feel that based on her response to the situation there is something there to discuss.

I tried to put myself in your shoes, and I really have no clue what to tell you. I must say you are a better person then me. No way I could let it go until they were ready. That is too much like telling me their is a secret draw and not to look into it... I'd be asking for a screw driver.
I'm not sure if you decided to leave it at the time, or it was discussed later and you decided to leave it. If it had been me, I would have brought it up again at least once. Explaining that I was aware how much it bothered him, and this now bothers me because I'm worried about it. I would hope he would feel they could talk to me about anything, but I also realize sometimes things about our past are best left there, so if he still doesn't want to discuss it... I'd let it go. Not much else I could do, and the last thing I would need is to spend any more time on it.
Cheryl
Cheryl
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Well she texted me yesterday asking if I forgive her and that it was on her mind. I don't feel as though there's something to really forgive her for and that's what I told her. HOWEVER, that whole scene raised questions about how comfortable is she with sharing things with me and more importantly, is there something she's hiding or feelings she's still supressing from the past. The two of us meet right after her ex hubby and her broke up, after trying to work things out again. So I'll admit I'm still dealing with that and it plays a part in most discussions such as this (rightfully or wrongfully). I had to talk about it again last night. I think she was hoping I wouldn't bring it up since I explained I wasn't mad. I wasn't mad but that don't mean I wouldn't like some answers. I had no intention to pressure her into telling me about the past events haunting her. But I realized that I really needed to understand the nature of the whole little dream incident. For all I know she could be dreaming about how happy they were together. I'm not a very jealous person at all or a very insecure person. But I've never been close to marriage myself and getting beyond her past sometimes seems monumental. I know this is really my problem. The ex is still very much in the picture since they had a child together. I don't think there's a day that goes by that he doesn't come into my mind in some form or another (when I'm around her and her child).
Well anyway she was concerned that it bothered me and wanted to calm my fears however she wasn't willing to share last night. I didn't really need all the gory details right now but did need to understand what type of animal we are dealing with. She explained that she was having flash backs from incidents in the past that weren't very pleasant. Taking in everything she said I deduced that it had something to do with her previous marriage and the breakup. Her ex cheated and then left the marriage, she spent a year or two seperated but waiting for his return (basically), and he came back but decided to leave again after about a half year. Immediately afterwards is when we meet. So I gather it was some negative flashbacks about something in that situation. I was satisfied with the explaination she provided even though she gave no details. I know there are bad memories in her past and although I might wish she never thought about them, and her past (or mine) is never an issue, I know that is not realistic. Maybe we would talk about it at some point in the future, maybe not. If it becomes an issue again, we will have to.