Do I attend party held at my ex's house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Do I attend party held at my ex's house?
7
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 11:54am

It's been 3 months since my ex dumped me.  It was a bad ending to our relationship.  After a short but intense relationship, the quick version is he yelled insults at me as reasons for making him end our relationship.  He told me I'm not comfortable in my own skin,  I'm not a confident person, I don't know who I am, and that no has has ever said these things to me before but he's doing it for my own good even though it hurts.  He told me to go find myself and that it will serve me well.  Needless to say I didn't talk to him for 3 months after that.  This weekend I attended a social event with a friend and he was also there.  It was civil between us and at one point he joked and said that I can totally kick him.  

Later in the evening the host of the event, who had also expressed interest in me (though I'm not interested) told everyone that I really liked his party but where can he have another one.  First I was shocked that the host put me on the spot.  Then my ex offered his house.  My friend tells me she will only go if I'm going.  I don't know how I feel about returning to his house where I spent so much time with him.  I even designed his place so to see my work infront of me in a home that we discussed I would also be living in might be hard.  I know where the teas and salt is kept in the kitchen and where the vacuum is stored.  I know the layout of the house and the memories of being there.  

Do I overcome this fear and attend the party with my friend?  Or will I look like a creepy ex-girlfriend who keeps showing up?  That being said, the guy who is interested in me might come on to me at the party that will make me uncomfortable.  And I know my ex's former fling is also going to be there.  

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 3:16pm

I really can't see any upside to going to this party. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 4:45pm

   Go and put on the big girl persona.  Go and be yourself and the guy that likes you just be polite and work the room if he wants an answer tell him the truth.  Guys do not do hints.  Be there for your clueless friend.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 7:01pm

I'm getting two opinions from my friends as well as this online board so far.  One opinion is that I will look creepy, I guess he might think I'm now trying to get him back, and that it's not a good idea to show up.  The other opinion is that I can be the tougher stronger person and show up and not avoid being social just because of one person.  It's possible that he offered his house disregarding that I could be uncomfortable and he doesn't care if I show or not or enjoy being there.  

My friend tells me that she is my wingman, she knows how he treated me in the end.  She told the group yesterday that she's not interested in dating and for guys she only likes one type.  When the host talked to her about what type of guy to set me up with she told him she and I have different tastes.  She had a really good time hanging out with them but she says for her it doesn't matter if she goes or not.  (The attention that night was mainly on her with occasional direct personal questions at me.)   But she does understand why it might be uncomfortable.  

I wonder if my initial fear was of not knowing how I will be when I show up at his place and be reminded of things. Will he tell people that it was I who designed his apartment (they don't know we were dating), maybe that doesn't matter what he says (or if someone critiques against my design choices because he already blames me for his decision to dump me).  

Is it pride and ego to prove that I'm stronger?  He did accuse me of having too much pride when I didn't ask him for financial help and said I was rejecting him.  Or is this pride for myself that I'm not going to be pushed around by his insults?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 7:17pm

Don't go if you feel uncomfortable...it's that simple.

Besides...what's up with your ex inviting all his former flamesor flings...Just don't go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 9:36am

Never put yourself around toxic people. Your ex insulted you. He is out of your life. You were wise to not communicate with him after the break up. You need closure so it's best not to be around him and have him intruding on your thoughts. Who cares what he thinks of you now or in the future? It's irrelevant. He's obsolete and no longer a part of your life. What matters is how you feel and doing what's best for yourself. Do something else fun with your friend on that night. Go to the movies. Cook dinner together. Go out dancing. Good luck with the next stage of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 2:18pm

Thank you for all of your input.  After alot of thinking and weighing any pros and cons I'm listening to my gut instinct and not going.  By going it would be to show that I can be like him - arrogant and selfish - which is what he wanted when we were together.  I also remembered something when we were playing volleyball.  After one of the games and everyone was high-fiving and when it was me and him, he brought his hand back and slapped my hand hard that it made a sound.  Not so hard that it hurt but sharp enough to make me wonder for a second why he did that.  But me being who I am, I didn't let it bother me and just kept playing and forgot about it until now.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2014
Fri, 02-21-2014 - 6:46pm

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