Do I dump a perfect guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Do I dump a perfect guy?
6
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 4:51pm
I am a soon-to-be sophomore in college who has dated a great guy, Jake, for 7 months. We were good friends since we got onto campus, much of it because we lived next door to each other, and he never thought he had a chance with me. Right after I broke up with someone, though, I developed a crush on him and he and I started dating.

It moved very quickly. We exchanged I love you's within a month and a half. I was his first everything. We were very happy together and had (have) all the same friends and spent tons and tons of time together. We were "that couple." I cared/care very, very deeply for him, and shared everything with him. But I sometimes felt when I was doing something sweet or saying something sweet that it was like I was fulfilling a role, playing a part without an audience.

Over break, I hooked up with a guy. When I came back all my warm fuzzy feelings for Jake were gone, but a friend told me just to wait, it had only been a couple of days. Sure enough by the week's end I was in love again. I told Jake what happened with the guy (though I played it off as less my fault than it was) a month later, when I realized he would want to know, as hard as it was for me to tell him, because I just felt awful about it. But he took it so well, just wanted to make sure I was ok, and I didn't find out for weeks that he had been really upset. He was just so caring and giving. My feelings for him re-surged ven more. Our social lives became even more enmeshed; I hardly have one of my own now. We were like a unit.

Fast forward to now. It's been 2 months since I'd seen him, and I just saw him for 2 days. Although I sobbed when we were saying goodbye 2 months ago, now I felt zip for him. But he is still crazy in love with me. I realize now I gave up a lot my freshman year for the relationship, and I am not sure it was worth it, although he is such a caring, sweet guy who is crazy about me. I also have found myself become attracted to other guys again, which I wasn't at first.

I have already bought tickets to visit him in 2 weeks for a week. What should I do? I am afraid that if I go and see how it goes, I will be persuaded, just by us having a good time, that I should stay in the relationship. But I think I want independence. But I also have had so many good times with him, and love the friends and times we shared.

Bottom line: will I start to feel in love with him again, and if I do, is that fair of me or best for us if I stay? Or should I end it? Even given how much it would hurt him and how much it would be sacrificing, for both? And if I should end it, how? I was thinking of telling him, at the end of the trip, that I think a break would be good for us both.




Edited 6/20/2004 11:25 pm ET ET by mervirgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 10:06pm
mervirgo...

Pianoguy has little sympathy for your situation. YOUR FICKLENESS is the reason that many of us get frustrated and don't date anybody!

Jake obviously has very strong feelings for you, but you've been leading him on one minute...and backing off the next! Is this fair? And if you were in a similar situation with a man who played you back and forth...how would YOU feel?

If you wish to be a "free agent"---cancel the trip and see if you can get your ticket money refunded. But faking a relationship is going devastate the hell out of Jake!

Please...GROW UP!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 11:09pm
um that was a bit harsh....

I understand your frustration but believe me, I'm frustrated too. I really did think I was in love with Jake. I still think I might be. This is the 2nd occasion where I have felt like I might not be...I am just confused. And believe me I am scared to death of hurting him. I really don't think I've been "leading him on". Believe me I have been a great girlfriend other than that one incident, which I felt terrible about. But it is exactly that I care for him and am wondering if i AM just being fickle and the feeling will pass, that I am reluctant to simply dump him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 1:53am
You should definately break up with him. I think it's very unfair to the guy that you keep him around with all your uncertainty, I mean you cheated on him! You're obviously not ready to settle down in a long term relationship, and why should you? You're in college, you're young. If you're going to be looking at other options, you shouldn't just keep this guy b/c he's good to you. End it. Give the poor guy a break.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 4:40am
I agree with pianoguy, refund your money, don't go and leave the poor guy alone. Though you may be confused--in the process you are toying with this guys feelings. Set him free to find someone that can care about him as much as he cares about them. Have you ever heard the saying "everything you do-comes back to you?" I have seen this, experienced it many times over. Something to ponder....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 12:22pm
End it! You were not leading him on "intentionally". You were going with you feeling "in the moment". You are young. Cancel the trip. Move on. If it's meant to be, then it will be, in time, but not right now. You say that he is the "perfect guy". He may be the perfect guy for someone, but not for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 11:36am
Real love doesnt come and go.
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