Do I have to let him go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Do I have to let him go?
4
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:46pm
Hi,

I'm new to this site. I am very confused and I need some advice.

I have been with a guy for almost 2 years... and I am now thinking of leaving him, because of his temper.

We love each other a lot, we are having the best time together, until he gets angry on me, for different reasons....Then, he loses his temper and shouts at me and tells me nasty things. When he calms down, he always apologizes and he feels bad about this, but I simply cannot take it anymore. And this has been happening after only three months since we had been together...

We have a lot of plans for the future, including plans to get married , we have a lot of common friends and we enjoy most of the things we do together.

We discussed his problem a lot and he accepted having it and he promised to solve it in time.

Do you think he will change? Will he ever be able to control his temper? Or will he get worse?

It tears my heart to leave him, but I am do not want to risk my future well being ( and marry him), unless he changes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 3:37pm
If he really wants to change, then he should get into anger management counseling to learn ways to control his temper and to find out why he has so much unresolved anger. He really should have done this long ago if he had a true intent to change. Obviously he's been unable to that on his own and you are bearing the brunt of his anger issues. If you want to try one last time (I wouldn't, but I'm not you), you should make two stipulations for staying with him. 1) He must begin counseling immediately and 2) one more incident of this behavior towards you and you're gone (even if he's in counseling). It isn't likely that he will abide by either condition, but at least you can end this knowing you've given him every reasonable chance to change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:03pm
GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!!!

This man will not change.

You need to end this relationship.

Even with counselling, he would still have a lot of work to do to control his temper and redirect his anger and stop his outburts. And there's no telling that it would help.

Realistically, men with nasty tempers will become more and more abusive, and may become physically abusive. The longer you stay with him the more you're telling him that his behaviour is acceptable to you. Since you DON'T like the behaviour, why are you still there? Do you want him to suddenly start hitting you, if he hasn't already? Then if you don't leave, he'll begin to think that that behaviour is acceptable, since you didn't leave again.

Please end things now. You will not help him. Marraige will only tie you further to this man. Children will make you have to deal with him forever. End it.

If you're unsure, talk to some of the women who end up in the woman's shelters. They can tell you where this man's behaviour is headed. Don't become a statistic and stand up for yourself.

You deserve a man who will treat you like a princess. One who RESPECTS you and would NEVER think to cut you down. There are wonderful men out there, and you are not giving yourself an opportunity to meet one if you're attached to this man.

I wish you the strength to get through this and walk away.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:44pm
I have to agree. I feel so badly for you because I married and divorced someone that had an anger management problem. I dated him for over 4 years before marrying him thinking he would change. He didn't. He always blamed others for his being so angry. Things that I thought were petty.

It does not go away. My ex-husband went to anger management counseling and it didn't help. The sad thing is that I have a child with this man. I never thought he would lose his temper in front of his own child but I was wrong. I didn't want my child growing up in a home like that. That wasn't the only reason for us splitting, but was in the top 5. When you see the fear and confusion in a small child's eyes after witnessing their father lose control of their temper it is the most heartbreaking thing.

You are thinking about spending your life with this person. I don't want you crying as many tears as I did. He is not worth the heartache he will bring your life. Please see if he will get help. If not, please love yourself enough to get away from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:09am
RUN!! In the opposite direction, as fast as you can!! Maddiero, I am worried for you already. You sound exactly like me, 15 years ago. I was 26, and REALLY wanted to get married to follow in my friends footsteps. I met "Mr. Wonderful!" Perfect in every way...ALMOST. There were those occasional outbursts of anger. Toward me, of course. At first it was just a few nasty snaps. It escalated to screaming. And then he started throwing things. Never hit me, mind you. Just over my head. My friends all warned me to dump him. My mother begged me to get rid of him. But I hung in there. We moved in together. And one night after a misunderstanding, in a fit of rage, he locked me in the closet. I thought, "this isn't so bad. He's just upset. At least he didn't hit me. I'm sure he'll change." After many long talks with the "love of my life" about learning to control his temper, he promised he would go in for counseling and "work on it." So we got engaged. About a week after the invitations went out, he had another outburst. And it only cost me three broken ribs and two black eyes. And do you know what?? I still thought he would change. THANK G_D for the intervention of my friends and family!! They pleaded with me. And I finally saw the light. Two weeks before the wedding, I called it off and moved out. He stalked me for a year. I was scared to death for twelve months. If you were smart, you'd dump this loser. I guarantee, it won't get better. It only gets worse. Don't hang around to find out. HE WILL NOT CHANGE!!

Stay strong and good luck!!

Elle