Do i mean anything to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Do i mean anything to him?
13
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:25am
Am 23yrs old and I have been dating a 30yr old guy for the last 4 months. I slept with him in the first month of seeing him…I was a virgin..we talked a lot before things got heavy abt our expectations and values in relationships. I found it refreshing that his ideals on commitment and relationships seemed to mirror mine. I have been with loads of guys but for the very first time, a man seemed worth the effort and I gave away the most important part of me. He really treated me well and pampered me with attention and caring.and of course, I found him very physically attractive.when we went out with friends, my friends adored him because he treated me with respect and seemed crazy about me. In the first few weeks of knowing each other, he even gave me his house keys!

He appeared to know what I wanted and always went out of his way to meet my needs mentally and physically. The two main obstacles in our relationship are that we belong to different religions and the fact that he is leaving the country at the end of the year. We spoke of these obstacles in the beginning and for some reason, they didn’t seem to matter that much then. He assured me we would find a way to work around them. As the months have gone by, we have had our differences but I have grown to love him more and more. One day, after he had gotten back from a 2 week visit in his home country, I told him I loved while making love. He never responded. It didn’t hurt me that much but I was disappointed and I realised that I shouldn’t have told him…2 weeks later I sought to rectify the situation and told him that I had been overwhelmed by what I was feeling and hence my outburst. I told him I was not sure what I felt for him but I knew he meant a lot to me. He then responded and told me to be patient, that I would feel it one day. Anyway, even before that incident, he has changed a lot. He doesn’t want to spend as much time with me as I would want to. He is leaving in a month and yet he has made no provision for us to spend more time together.2 weekends ago, he went out of town with his best friend and his best friends girlfriend to attend a wedding. Though he had told me that only him and his best friend were going..He never mentioned to me that his best friends girlfriend was going too. I only found out 4 days ago through a mutual friend of ours. I felt very angry and betrayed. Hurt that he hadn’t invited me to go along with them. He seems to be spending more time with his best friend and this hurts me a great deal. I decided to bring my concerns to him and he feels that the only reason he didn’t tell me about his friends girlfriend being there was because he doesn’t like to talk about his friends love lives and what his friends get up to. I found this excuse pretty lame but I so desperately wanted to find some logic in his actions? I also asked him what his expectations were of me when he left and where I stood etc..He told me that he always expects me to be his friend and to always remain faithful to him and stand by him always. He is not sure how often we will see each other up until he fully settles. I have a pretty good job and I would afford to fly myself to him but I don’t want to impose myself on him He mentioned I would always be welcome in his country but I also don’t know whether to believe him. we talked a lot (unfortunately I cried too!)and I complained about the lack of attention and how I felt him drifting. In the beginning he used to call me every single day + send me emails but now, a call from him on a daily basis is not guaranteed. He says he realises that he perhaps has been too casual abt things but it was not deliberate and that he will try and think more for two than one. He has broken his promise in one situation again recently and told me he was sorry and that I should be more patient with him. I asked him whether he felt suffocated in the relationship but he denies it. I hate the fact that I feel so vulnerable with him and I hate the fact he knows what impact he has on me. He knows what I want and all he does these days is do the opposite. Am so afraid of losing him but am left with no choice. I had hoped and prayed he wouldn’t let me down and that I would never have regrets. Lately, all I seem to do is regret ever letting him get this far with me. He doesn’t even offer to give me his house keys anymore, his best friend has them!His words are in constant contradiction to his actions..He claimed to want a serious relationship and yet all he does lately is hang out with his male friends. He still treats me with respect and lots of affection when we are together but when we are apart, I just don’t feel like am significant in his life. He claims I am but I don’t feel it. I think his best friend is and am beginning to resent that. Am I expecting too much from him? was it too early to be making demands and what I want out of a relationship? Was I foolish to bring up the “talk”? I feel like I have pushed him even further away. we last spoke two days ago and he said he would call but hasn’t phoned me yet, knowing I so badly want to hear from him.

I feel very depressed and down, crying a lot lately and yet I don’t know what to do. Do I end it now and cut my losses or stick it out till he leaves and hope for the best? My main worry though is, if he can be distant while we are still in the same country and same town, what will happen when he leaves?

I feel torn and confused, most of all used. Please help me, what do I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:18am
I feel for you. i have been there in a different way. I think you should go to him and simply ask if he FEELS it would be best to just be good friends while he is gone, or if he still wants the two of you to be a couple. Tell him his input matters and you really are comcerned. Try really hard to not cry. If you do, he might feel he has to say something other than what he really feels. You know? Stay strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:26am
Yeah, no more tears..I actually feel pretty stupid for crying in front of him. I have to be strong. Its hard but i know i will get there eventually. Though i dont think am ready for ANOTHER heart to heart with him. I fear he will just tell me what i want to hear? and right now, i just want the truth. He means the world to me and i cant face up to me and him just being friends, i would rather i lost him completely. Is that selfish? I just feel so betrayed and after our "talk" he has made no efforts to reassure me that i mean SOMETHING to him. and thats what hurts the most.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:47pm
Dearest,

It is quite possible that you tellling him you love him was the motivating factor in his sudden aloofness. That is not your fault, We feel what we feel and should never be apologetic for our feelings. However when dealing with the male species one has to be extremely careful not to appear " pushy" or needy. For some reason men that do not really

desire a serious relationship are turned off by genuine feelings of admiration.

My one question to you is this.

Is your boyfriend by any chance Muslim? If that is the case I can offer you even more in depth advice about his possible motives and behavior.

I am muslim and might be able to shed more light on your situation.

Be well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 2:45am
Yes, he is muslim and am Christian. I was extremely sceptical about getting involved with him because of our differences in religion and I made it known to him from the beginning. He however, assured me that it wasn’t a big deal for him because he wasn’t practising and that his two sisters had married Christian men. I also asked him if he would come to church with me and he told me he didn’t have a problem with that. I guess, I wanted so badly to believe him and I did.

As for me telling him that I love him, I have learnt my lesson. I regret this everyday and I wish I could turn back time on so many things. But i guess i would love to know if there is any hope left with us? or am i being blinded?

I will appreciate any advice you can give.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:54am

I can't offer much expertise on dating a Muslim man, except to say that many people say religious differences are unimportant... UNTIL they decide they are ready to get serious.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:47pm
Sasha

Sorry this response comes so late. I suspected all along that your boyfriend was muslim. I do not want to come of like I can speak for all muslim people, BUT I will say this. The rules on dating and marrying in Islam are VERY STRICT. In fact dating is not even permitted. Marrying someone who is not muslim is also considered unlawful, and therefore is forbidden in Islam. Having said that I will also say that while his feelings for you may very well be genuine. I would be a little skeptical about continuing a relationship with this guy. If he is going back to his native country, he will be surrounded by women of his religion. And about not "practicing" Islam is not something that you practice. It is the belief in the monotheism of God. Now if he wishes to make it known that he is no longer a muslim or no longer believes in Allah as God then you might want to be absolutely clear on what not practicing means to him. By him going back to his native country as I said before he will be surrounded by muslim women and in Islam marriage is a requirement, and a duty.

Basically he has not been treu to himself or to you, because he has been enjoying the benefits of your body without him first making the commitment of marriage to you.

To me that spells " He is getting his primal needs met by you, but knows that he can not marry you"

Hs he ever asked you to convert? Or have you ever talked about converting? I do not recommend coverting unless it is something that YOU want. I hope I am wrong about him, but unfortunately I have had many experiences with men that leads me to make the general assumption that men are shallow, uncaring individuals that are lead by and motivated by their private parts. An open honest conversation about feelings and expectations would be in order for you two.

But remember this

" If a guy is truly into you, hearing those three little words would not turn him off. They would flatter him and inspire him to continue being the guy that you fell in love with in the first place."

I truly hope that I was able to help you out. Please feel free to ask more questions if you have any.

Peace.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:23am
Dear Jilly,

Guess, it doesnt take a genius to figure out that i have been taken for a ride... I just didnt want to face up to the fact that he lied to me about his intentions. I really wanted to believe he was a genuine guy. We had spoken about this right in the beginning and he had made it clear that he just didnt want a girlfriend but someone who had the potential to become a prospective wife! He told me that he felt i was someone he could see that happening with. Of course, that sounded like music to my ears and he seemed genuine enough.

In the last couple of days, its been hard but i have emotionally detached from him, i dont call him and nor do i even wish to know what his day has been like etc. He has called on a few occasions but i dont think i even want to be with him anymore. The truth is, IF he really cared for me, he would want to constantly reassure me that everything is ok but he hasnt done so.

I cant help but resent him right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:43am
Thank you for yr insight - i truly appreciate it.

He has never asked me to convert and neither have i ever shown willingness to do so. In all honest truth, i wouldn't consider it as an option as my religion makes me who iam today. It is very important to me.

I used to hear about situations such as mine and even used to feel sorry for the women. Never did i dream i would be one of them one day. The thing is, i have always wanted to be the type of woman that only had one partner in life. Yeah, i know that might sound ridiculous but i was very comfortable with that idea. I had always hoped the man i would lose my virginity to would be my life long partner and that is why i never rushed to sleep with a man..I just never thought my first experience would be this sad.

I feel angry and betrayed..But above all, shocked that i could have let this happen to me and at how gullible i was when it came to my dealings with him.

His actions (or lack of) lately, speak volumes. I dont think there is any need to even talk about things. He called me last night to ask what was going on, why he hadnt heard from me in days. He missed my voice etc... But come on, if it really had bothered him that much, he would have called much earlier to check up on me. I clearly mean nothing to him, looks like i have been in this relationship alone.

I have to let go but i had no idea it could hurt this much.

I have gotten to a point where i have began applying for jobs out of my country. I know running away from my problems is not the answer but I just feel i need to get out or else i will go mad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:48pm

he is giving you signals that the relationship is not as important to him as it is to you. it is very painful for you and wish you ALL the hugs in the world to make you feel better.


i think that the space between you two once he leaves will help you realize alot.


the fact that he says he wants to be freinds but you have to be faithful to him is a bit odd.


start dating again. he seems stand-offish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 6:19am
Its been exactly 9 days since i last picked up the phone to call him... its been EXTREMELY hard but somehow its happened... The weekend came and went and i received no call from him...it was my first weekend i have spent without him and it was excruciating. went out with friends but i couldnt really enjoy myself becoz i would have preferred to snuggle up in front of the tv with him like we used to. Sometimes, i feel i can move on but sometimes i battle to think of a world without him. What makes me angry is that he had the audacity to only get in touch on a monday morning via email?! He sent a message asking "so, whats with the silent treatment?" and to find out how my weekend was?! Why couldnt HE pick up the phone over the weekend and ask me? He waits for a monday morning? and an email?! i havent responded to him yet and i dont think i will. or am i being childish? I dont know whether to show him that am angry about his behaviour or pretend that am unaffected by everything. Thats why i resolved to just keeping mum.

Anyway, i received some news last week. i have been offered a position with one of the best airlines in the world and i have been asked to relocate to another country on feb 3rd next year! i applied for this position earlier this year but since i hadnt heard from them until last week, i figured i didnt get it. I find it VERY weird that they would offer it to me at a time when i have been praying for a move for the last week or so! i find it quite scary actually. I havent obviously told him this news yet because of the silent front i have been keeping. i have no idea how he will take the news. he leaves on dec 21st. ANOTHER weird part abt this job and my news is that i would get to be in his home country like 3 times a week!!

I dont know whether to take this as a sign or not and i dont know whether to be excited or not? I know i want to move and not solely because of him but because i have hoped for a change for a while and i know i will get to see more of the world.

What do i make of this? and how do i handle him from now on? Should i call him to tell him or do i wait till he calls and then break the news? or should i just forget about him?

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