Do i mean anything to him?
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Do i mean anything to him?
| Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:25am |
Am 23yrs old and I have been dating a 30yr old guy for the last 4 months. I slept with him in the first month of seeing him…I was a virgin..we talked a lot before things got heavy abt our expectations and values in relationships. I found it refreshing that his ideals on commitment and relationships seemed to mirror mine. I have been with loads of guys but for the very first time, a man seemed worth the effort and I gave away the most important part of me. He really treated me well and pampered me with attention and caring.and of course, I found him very physically attractive.when we went out with friends, my friends adored him because he treated me with respect and seemed crazy about me. In the first few weeks of knowing each other, he even gave me his house keys!
He appeared to know what I wanted and always went out of his way to meet my needs mentally and physically. The two main obstacles in our relationship are that we belong to different religions and the fact that he is leaving the country at the end of the year. We spoke of these obstacles in the beginning and for some reason, they didn’t seem to matter that much then. He assured me we would find a way to work around them. As the months have gone by, we have had our differences but I have grown to love him more and more. One day, after he had gotten back from a 2 week visit in his home country, I told him I loved while making love. He never responded. It didn’t hurt me that much but I was disappointed and I realised that I shouldn’t have told him…2 weeks later I sought to rectify the situation and told him that I had been overwhelmed by what I was feeling and hence my outburst. I told him I was not sure what I felt for him but I knew he meant a lot to me. He then responded and told me to be patient, that I would feel it one day. Anyway, even before that incident, he has changed a lot. He doesn’t want to spend as much time with me as I would want to. He is leaving in a month and yet he has made no provision for us to spend more time together.2 weekends ago, he went out of town with his best friend and his best friends girlfriend to attend a wedding. Though he had told me that only him and his best friend were going..He never mentioned to me that his best friends girlfriend was going too. I only found out 4 days ago through a mutual friend of ours. I felt very angry and betrayed. Hurt that he hadn’t invited me to go along with them. He seems to be spending more time with his best friend and this hurts me a great deal. I decided to bring my concerns to him and he feels that the only reason he didn’t tell me about his friends girlfriend being there was because he doesn’t like to talk about his friends love lives and what his friends get up to. I found this excuse pretty lame but I so desperately wanted to find some logic in his actions? I also asked him what his expectations were of me when he left and where I stood etc..He told me that he always expects me to be his friend and to always remain faithful to him and stand by him always. He is not sure how often we will see each other up until he fully settles. I have a pretty good job and I would afford to fly myself to him but I don’t want to impose myself on him He mentioned I would always be welcome in his country but I also don’t know whether to believe him. we talked a lot (unfortunately I cried too!)and I complained about the lack of attention and how I felt him drifting. In the beginning he used to call me every single day + send me emails but now, a call from him on a daily basis is not guaranteed. He says he realises that he perhaps has been too casual abt things but it was not deliberate and that he will try and think more for two than one. He has broken his promise in one situation again recently and told me he was sorry and that I should be more patient with him. I asked him whether he felt suffocated in the relationship but he denies it. I hate the fact that I feel so vulnerable with him and I hate the fact he knows what impact he has on me. He knows what I want and all he does these days is do the opposite. Am so afraid of losing him but am left with no choice. I had hoped and prayed he wouldn’t let me down and that I would never have regrets. Lately, all I seem to do is regret ever letting him get this far with me. He doesn’t even offer to give me his house keys anymore, his best friend has them!His words are in constant contradiction to his actions..He claimed to want a serious relationship and yet all he does lately is hang out with his male friends. He still treats me with respect and lots of affection when we are together but when we are apart, I just don’t feel like am significant in his life. He claims I am but I don’t feel it. I think his best friend is and am beginning to resent that. Am I expecting too much from him? was it too early to be making demands and what I want out of a relationship? Was I foolish to bring up the “talk”? I feel like I have pushed him even further away. we last spoke two days ago and he said he would call but hasn’t phoned me yet, knowing I so badly want to hear from him.
I feel very depressed and down, crying a lot lately and yet I don’t know what to do. Do I end it now and cut my losses or stick it out till he leaves and hope for the best? My main worry though is, if he can be distant while we are still in the same country and same town, what will happen when he leaves?
I feel torn and confused, most of all used. Please help me, what do I do?
He appeared to know what I wanted and always went out of his way to meet my needs mentally and physically. The two main obstacles in our relationship are that we belong to different religions and the fact that he is leaving the country at the end of the year. We spoke of these obstacles in the beginning and for some reason, they didn’t seem to matter that much then. He assured me we would find a way to work around them. As the months have gone by, we have had our differences but I have grown to love him more and more. One day, after he had gotten back from a 2 week visit in his home country, I told him I loved while making love. He never responded. It didn’t hurt me that much but I was disappointed and I realised that I shouldn’t have told him…2 weeks later I sought to rectify the situation and told him that I had been overwhelmed by what I was feeling and hence my outburst. I told him I was not sure what I felt for him but I knew he meant a lot to me. He then responded and told me to be patient, that I would feel it one day. Anyway, even before that incident, he has changed a lot. He doesn’t want to spend as much time with me as I would want to. He is leaving in a month and yet he has made no provision for us to spend more time together.2 weekends ago, he went out of town with his best friend and his best friends girlfriend to attend a wedding. Though he had told me that only him and his best friend were going..He never mentioned to me that his best friends girlfriend was going too. I only found out 4 days ago through a mutual friend of ours. I felt very angry and betrayed. Hurt that he hadn’t invited me to go along with them. He seems to be spending more time with his best friend and this hurts me a great deal. I decided to bring my concerns to him and he feels that the only reason he didn’t tell me about his friends girlfriend being there was because he doesn’t like to talk about his friends love lives and what his friends get up to. I found this excuse pretty lame but I so desperately wanted to find some logic in his actions? I also asked him what his expectations were of me when he left and where I stood etc..He told me that he always expects me to be his friend and to always remain faithful to him and stand by him always. He is not sure how often we will see each other up until he fully settles. I have a pretty good job and I would afford to fly myself to him but I don’t want to impose myself on him He mentioned I would always be welcome in his country but I also don’t know whether to believe him. we talked a lot (unfortunately I cried too!)and I complained about the lack of attention and how I felt him drifting. In the beginning he used to call me every single day + send me emails but now, a call from him on a daily basis is not guaranteed. He says he realises that he perhaps has been too casual abt things but it was not deliberate and that he will try and think more for two than one. He has broken his promise in one situation again recently and told me he was sorry and that I should be more patient with him. I asked him whether he felt suffocated in the relationship but he denies it. I hate the fact that I feel so vulnerable with him and I hate the fact he knows what impact he has on me. He knows what I want and all he does these days is do the opposite. Am so afraid of losing him but am left with no choice. I had hoped and prayed he wouldn’t let me down and that I would never have regrets. Lately, all I seem to do is regret ever letting him get this far with me. He doesn’t even offer to give me his house keys anymore, his best friend has them!His words are in constant contradiction to his actions..He claimed to want a serious relationship and yet all he does lately is hang out with his male friends. He still treats me with respect and lots of affection when we are together but when we are apart, I just don’t feel like am significant in his life. He claims I am but I don’t feel it. I think his best friend is and am beginning to resent that. Am I expecting too much from him? was it too early to be making demands and what I want out of a relationship? Was I foolish to bring up the “talk”? I feel like I have pushed him even further away. we last spoke two days ago and he said he would call but hasn’t phoned me yet, knowing I so badly want to hear from him.
I feel very depressed and down, crying a lot lately and yet I don’t know what to do. Do I end it now and cut my losses or stick it out till he leaves and hope for the best? My main worry though is, if he can be distant while we are still in the same country and same town, what will happen when he leaves?
I feel torn and confused, most of all used. Please help me, what do I do?

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I definitely think you should move on from this guy.
Start
Thanks Jilly.
I marvel at how strong I can be sometimes..keeping myself busy and actually not thinking about him. But then there are other times when I feel so weak and cant keep my eyes dry from tears! Times like these I cant help but feel out of control and all I want is to be with him. Late last night (after 1130pm) I was consumed with such thoughts and by coincidence, I received a text message from him asking me whether I was up. I responded and asked the reason he was asking and he never responded. I called him an hour later (which i regretted) and he didnt pick up. He then called me early this morning about 7am and said he sent the text to check that I was alive? I acted like everything was normal but there was obviously tension between us. He tried to lighten the mood by flirting and being playful with me (being like the man I fell in love with!)..But i couldnt respond like everything was normal so i just ignored his flirting. He said he would call later but i doubt he will and am not going to wait up for his call.
Up until last night, i felt strong enough to move on. Why does he keep coming back to open my wounds? This really confuses me. Should i demand closure or do i just carry on with my life and pretend he doesnt exist? Perhaps he doesnt even deserve closure after all the hurt he has caused me?
In my attempt to move on, i agreed to go on a date last night but i couldnt enjoy myself. An old friend of mine whom i havent seen for 4yrs asked me out to dinner. Great conversation and we share many interests but i could not picture myself with him even though i used to fancy him 4yrs ago. All i wanted to do is be with the other guy. I dont think i could even picture myself being intimate with any other guy. How can i be in tears after a "nice" date?!
Am a mess and i hate it. I think am in denial that he doesnt want me.
Yes, i have a lot to look forward and am GRATEFUL to God for that. I just wish i could stop thinking about him and stop making a fool of myself
>>Why does he keep coming back to open my wounds? This really confuses me.<<
The real question is why do you keep *allowing* him to come back? It took me two years to finally understand that it wasn't my ex that was the problem. It was me who kept opening the door and allowing him back in. Two years! Try to see this for yourself now. You are the creator of your own destiny. You control what you accept and what you don't.
You have a great opportunity in front of you. Go for it and never look back.
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