Do I send him a text or email?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Do I send him a text or email?
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 9:18pm

I just met a guy at a social event.  I didn't notice him until I heard him say excuse me from behind me.  We made eye contact and then he walked to the back of the bar.  Of course my curiosity was triggered and after finishing my conversation with someone I left for the back of the bar.  He was talking with a few people and I went up to them and joined the conversation.  When we started talking it turned out we have some similiarites on where our families are from.  Exchanged business cards.  Anyway, at one point one person was talking a bit much and he whispered in my ear and put his arm around my waist to leave with him.  When we got outside he said he needed to go upstairs to his office - back to work.  So I thought ok, that's it.  He didn't ask me up to his office, although he did ask another woman who he knew outside the bar.  When he turned to leave for his office he said "ok so you're going to be here a while right?" and kept walking.  I actually had to leave and tried to call out to tell him but he didn't hear me.

So do I send him a message that I had to go because of the time?  Or do I wait for him to contact me?  I would like to see him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 9:39am

Everytime I've made the first move with men, it never works out. I think a man who is really interested will make the first move if he's not shy, which this man is obviously not. He has your contact info. I would let him call. Little flirtatious moves from men at the beginning mean nothing if he doesn't make arrangements for a date. Some men like the ego boost of feedback he's getting from a woman who is obviously interested, and just keeps the communication going without setting up dates. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-02-2013 - 3:39pm

I don't think it would be terrible to send him an email (somehow I find that less intrusive than sending a text) esp. if you can think of something to say besides "nice to meet you, sorry I had to leave."  Of course you could always say that but it doesn't give him the opportunity to respond that it would if you could think of another topic.

I decided to email a guy who is the organizer of a meetup group that I'm in.  We had met once before but didn't talk that much.  There was no flirty business but I'd like to get to know him better to see if I'd like to date him.  Anyway I sent him an email through the meetup about the fact that he's constantly organizing things to hear this one particular band and he should get some kind of kickback from the band.  Well just from that it turned into writing back & forth a few times.  He asked me if I was seeing this guy that he had seen me with--we were actually on a date then, and I said no, things didn't work out.  And he told me a few things about himself.  I ended up seeing him at a meetup last Sat.  We didn't get to the point of having a date, but I did talk to him quite a bit that night, so I don't think it was a terrible thing to do.  Now I wouldn't be the one to actually ask him on a date though.

But I think if the guy asked if you were going to be at the bar later, it seems apparent that he wanted to talk to you more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:27pm

If you are interested, be proactive and contact him.  If you don't, and you don't hear back from him, it's your own fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2013
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 11:15pm

I agree with Safire on this one. This is how it's supposed to be - you make him work for it. If he makes the effort, that means he's genuinely interested. Effort doesnt mean flirting, exchanging numbers or any 'talk' at all. Talk is cheap. It means, makes the effort to actually see you, consistently. Men will usually go along with something if it's made easy for them. I.e you happened to bump into this guy at a party and he gave you his card. He asked you if you'd be there later. There's no effort in that whatsoever. It's when it's not easy and they still make the effort that's the indicator that they like you. You need to wait for hi to contact you. He has your email. And it's very important that you do wait, because:

- Men are instinctively territorial, some to a lesser degree, some to more of a degree. If they eventually decide they want a relationship with a woman, that woman becomes part of their 'territory', a prize, a victory. It's just the way they are. It's in the male psyche, in his genetic make up.  

- It is human nature to place more value on an prize, territory or achievment that you worked for than that which you don't have to work for at all. (i.e instinctively, if you pay more for something, you view it as more valuable, and are usually willing to pay the extra, even if it is in fact a very similar product or not valuable at all - the basis of certain marketing techniques).

- Furthermore, if something is predictable or guaranteed or confirmed, we are more likely to take it forgranted and place less value on it. You want it less. I suppose this is the basis of the 'hard to get' game. I always found this interesting - there was that lab experiment a while back. Scientists had two groups of rats. Each had a feeder in their cage. With one group, the feeder would give out food every single time they pressed the button. With the other group, the feeder would give out food randomly. The rats where the feeder always gave the food out didn't press the button for food as much. They weren't as interested in the food. The rats where the feeder gave out food randomly were constantly pressing the button. They were obsessed with it. It was actually an experiment about addictive type behaviour, gambling, that sort of thing, but can be applied to relationships too.

Basically, every time you make an effort with a guy - any effort at all, even if it seems harmless and just friendly - it means he has to make less effort to see you, speak to you, hear from you, have you confirm that you like him, or at worst, sleep with you! The less hard he has to work, the less he values you as a prize.

Just a theory, I think perhaps a lot of the reason men get 'scared off' when women try to get them to commit isn't because they are afraid of commitment, but because the woman just took all of the work out for him by showing him how much she likes him and/or by initiating the next stage in the relationship. You just devalued yourself as a prize and so he doesn't want it anymore. It's supposed to be the guy proposing to you. He's supposed to take YOU out. He's supposed to chase you. He's supposed to pay for everything. He's supposed to get strung along for a little while (not too long, mind, and not with no intention of anything happening). These might seem like outdated notions. I do not like tradition for tradition's sake, but I think there is a reason why these 'rules' existed in the first place - because they stemmed from male/female animal instinct. It's a mans instict to be territorial, and the harder it was to get that territory, the more value he'll place on it. It's a woman's instinct to be a nurturer and she'll place value on a relationship where she is able to do what she does. (Why many women like bad boys, I think - they want to 'fix' them, nurture them).

Not saying this is true for everyone - it's never black and white - but for the most part I reckon it's the case. Also, I am talking about early stages in a relationship, i.e while 'courting'.  Take my experience - I've always made loads of effort and been very open and honest and gotten rejected by men over and over before any relationship even started. I'm stopping that now. I learned this the hard way very recently. Now, to put into practice my own advice! Waiting for someone interesting to come along...