Do men hold grudges...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Do men hold grudges...?
8
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 3:15am

My ex-fiance broke up with me last Saturday. but expressed interest in being with me again on Tuesday. Actually, I called him for closure purposes and at the end of the conversation he said "You never know, it may only be for a season. We may need a little time apart." So that gets me thinking that maybe we're not completely over. Thursday night, he told me that if I wanted, I could come over and watch a movie and that he wouldn't get in my way (typical for us). I called him an hour later and asked him "What are we doing?" To sum it up, he says that he wants to remain friends with me right now. I told him, "Let me at least put this in front of you. What I said was in the heat of the moment and I am willing to work things out if you are." He claims that in the midst of our argument the night of the breakup, I said "I don't care what you think. I'm just trying to say how I feel." I don't remember saying that, but I probably did because I was so angry that he didn't really seem to care why I felt the way I did that night. But anyway, I told him that I couldn't set myself up for disappointment if he's not really sure where we are going (i.e. We can't be friends). I told him I would be devastated if I was believing it was only for a season and he decides to move to the next chapter in his life. But anyway, he says the reason he's not looking for us to be together right now is because he still has my "I don't care..." phrase in his head. Yada yada yada...says it's not a strong basis for a relationship, which I agree, but I said it in the heat of the moment! Is this normal for a guy? Do they hold grudges over things we say? Sorry for such a long tale, but it probably helped reveal what led up to this point. Any advice would be appreciated...

Edited 11/26/2004 10:47 am ET ET by slimkim4




Edited 11/26/2004 11:27 am ET ET by slimkim4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 8:49am

slimkim4...

Pianoguy conjured up several physical images after reading your name!!!! But his suggestion is this.

The 2 of you are still communicating and apparently there's a desire to continue to be friends, right? So drop the "ya-da-ya-da-ya-da" (Pianoguy thinks the term is moronic, but then again so was the show on which it was based) and STOP ANALYZING EVERY WORD THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SAID BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR B/F! Most of us blurt out unpleasant "terms of endearment" when we're really angry. But what's the point of wasting time bringing up the 'same old/same old?'

If the relationship is supposed to heal between the 2 of you...let the healing come naturally. Besides, isn't it more fun to be with someone you love with the holidays only a few weeks away?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 8:55am

Honestly I think he's using it as an excuse but yes men can hold grudges. I know someone that was fired over two years ago and he is still bitter about it, get over it, move on you've got a new job, give me a break!

But I think he's just using it as an excuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 9:14am

Is it normal for a woman to fully dismiss any thoughts a man may have just so her feelings are validated and prioritized at all times?

Your "yada yada yada" speech suggests that. You dismissed all of his thoughts because your need to have your feelings prioritized was greater than any value he brings to your relationship. An equality-based and mutually-beneficial relationship does not work that way.

I happen to be a Dr. Phil fan. On his website he lists 10 Relationship Myths. Here is one of them that I think applies to your current situation. You may wish to check out the other 9 to see if any are playing a role in your current relationship.

MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS
Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can't forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.

Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we're letting loose often don't represent how we really feel and shouldn't be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 10:45am

I understand where all of you guys are coming from, but I added a post the night we broke up (Broken Engagement...Help!) If you read that, you'll see that he told me to "Shut the f*&% up" in the heat of the moment, and I've forgiven him for that. I believe that when you say that, it's just like saying what I said.

Plus, I don't understand how I can easily dismiss some of the things he said, but he can't do the same for me. It's actually one of the reasons we broke up because I felt he would want me to listen to him all of the time, but when it was my turn to let him know how I felt, it was meaningless.

I don't get that. So I'll add another question: How come it seems like women usually put in all of the hard work and effort to keep a relationship together, but we are the ones that end up getting hurt? And this guy hasn't even forgiven me for this, but he still wants access (if you know what I mean...)




Edited 11/26/2004 11:28 am ET ET by slimkim4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 2:30pm

slimkim4....

2 more thoughts from Pianoguy.

1. Women don't always put in ALL THE HARD WORK AND EFFORT to keep a relationship going, but there's a greater intensity on your side than there is on ours.

2. Any man who utters the phrase: "SHUT THE f*%% UP" isn't worth your time. I'm sure you can do a lot better than this creep.....can't you?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 5:27pm
Hello slimkim, welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 6:55pm
i have had personal experience with an ex- who definitely held a grudge.and he is an intelligent man which was weird .
however,i think your ex has other reasons for break-up and his "friends" line is NOT good,i think.u will need to delve into his reasons and if u still want him back that much,ask that both of u work it out.obviously,if he doesnt cooperate,u should bow out with ur head held high...and snag an even better deal elsewhere!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 7:48pm

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post, especially Terry! It was great to have only been a member for less than a week and get a response from a community leader.

As far as the relationship goes, I'm still in the same boat. I've forgiven him and don't want to throw away what we had. He's been my everything these past 3 years, and it's hard to hear that he's not considering us at the moment. Ulterior motives? Maybe. I'll never be too sure, but I'm not going to let this get me down. So, onto my next post...How Do You Deal With the Parents?

slimkim4