Do men really resent......
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Do men really resent......
| Sat, 10-08-2005 - 5:35am |
a woman who isn't working. A post below sparked this question.
What if that is the "arrangement" BOTH have agreed upon?
What if they are married? As opposed to being bf and gf. Do the dynamics change?
I personally know many men who say they do not have any preference to whether their wife should work or not, and it is really her choice. Are they just being diplomatic?
Do men really resent women who are home and dependent on them? I would love to hear from the men here.....

When one goes into a marriage they often plan out who works and who might stay home. That way everyone is on the same page and understands the who, what, where, why of the situation. The finances and goals of the household become intertwined so things become more of a team effort so-to-speak.
However, when its a "let's move in together" arrangement, long-term financial issues aren't discussed in detail. What might have been a good arrangement when the cohabitation started, may not be such a great arrangement 6 months later when the sex dwindles and everyone gets very busy.
<< What if that is the "arrangement" BOTH have agreed upon?>>
Well, if that is the "arrangement" ... then, they really shouldn't be resentful of what they agreed to. However, sometimes we agree to things not really knowing how we'll truly feel about it later, kwim? In which case, even if it's agreed upon, if one person starts feeling resentful about it, it needs to be discussed and the 'arrangement' should be reworked or renegotiated ... as to ease the burden or resent that person is feeling.
<< What if they are married? As opposed to being bf and gf. Do the dynamics change?>>
Of course! Marriage is a "long haul" committment thru good times and bad. That, in and of itself, is an arrangment upon which they are agreeing to support each other. Now, that doesn't mean that if one spouse isn't working they may not feel resentful. Sometimes people lose their jobs, etc. Life happens. But, as long as the other person is looking for work and making an effort, the other spouse should be supportive of that.
And yes, in marriage, many spouses will agree that one will stay home (with the kids, especially) while the other works. In which case, that IS a job! But, unless a woman is a SAHM (or husband, for the matter ... some dads stay home, too!) or isn't working due to disability or something like that, why SHOULDN'T they be working and pulling in some income???
In BF/GF cohabitation, I don't think either person is expected or obligated to carry the other person's weight thru the "rough patches" ... cohabitation isn't necessarily a commitment. If there are children involved in this BF/GF scenario, it could take on a different dynamic, of course, and be more like the situation above. But, the resent factor can pretty high when two non-marrieds are living together and one or the other isn't pulling their weight . In other words, the person carrying the other's load can easily say "hey, this isn't what I signed up for!"
Yes, the dynamic does change when there's marriage ... because that's part of the "deal" ... to support the other person thru rough times, and vice-versa if the roles change.
Sadly, too many BF/GFs move in together for the WRONG reasons ... for convenience, to share costs, because "my lease was up and it seemed like a good idea," etc ... or the good 'ol "well, we spend so much time together anyway, why not just live together!?" ... nope, sorry ... doesn't fly ... doesn't work ... if it's not for the long-term goal of committment ... it's not for the right reasons, IMO.
I'm sure some men do, and some don't. Treating "men" as though they are the Borg with one collective way of thinking is a sure way to get frustrated. We are all individuals regardless of gender.
Sheri