Do you believe ex's can be JUST friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Do you believe ex's can be JUST friends?
10
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 8:47am

I am just wondering about your experiences...

My ex, whom I was with for 3 years of which we lived together for over a year and broke up because of the distance (3500 miles), I am still good friends with him and speak to almost daily online.

The man I was with for a over a year (we broke up, got back together for some weeks and then broke up again), we have not spoken to each other in about a month but last night I contacted him and was taken by a surpise when he picked up the phone.

The thing is, if my ex who lives far away, lived close to me, we probably could not be JUST friends because there is all that attraction still there (although we broke up 1 1/2 years ago). The ex that lives close to me, we tried being friends once and ended up getting back together ONLY to break up again.

Now he told me to call him this weekend. I have feelings for him still and I know he does as well but I know we cannot be together right now...can we be just friends without getting our emotions involved again? Has that happened to you? I am just interested in your experiences with the question "can we be JUST friends"...

~T~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 11:18am
You aren't ready to be friends with him until you are ready to cheer him on and be happy for him when he's with someone else...that's not where you are. You guys slide into your old relationship, not friendship. How old are you and what are you looking for? If you are looking for the one, don't go back to this guy becuase he's going to distract you from your objective of finding someone for a LTR. You've broken up twice...wasn't there a honeymoon period and then the same old problems arose that broke you up the first time? Can you say that you have both grown as individuals and changed and now can have a better relationship?
I know of people who are friends after the fact...but it only works if you give yourself time to heal and aren't really pining to get back together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 11:21am

<< I have feelings for him still and I know he does as well but I know we cannot be together right now...can we be just friends without getting our emotions involved again? Has that happened to you? I am just interested in your experiences with the question "can we be JUST friends"...>>

If you still have feelings (ie, romantic attraction) for each other, the answer is no. Many people try, but ... it doesn't work.

Now, if you give it enough time and space ... let the dust settle ... if the break-up with amicable, and both people are mature enough to take the "friendship" part of the relationship with them ... with no hard feelings ... then, yes, ex's can be friendships. It's the 'ol "take the best, leave the rest".

My ex and I (whom I was with for 5 years) are still very good friends. It didn't happen overnight ... took several months to let everything settle ... but, we're friends because we value each other as people ... we just weren't "right" as a couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 12:08pm
The thing is, we broke up the second time around because of his busy schedule at work and master's. He is currently working about 130-140 hours a week and there just was not enough time for a relationship. We decided to stay friends so that in some years time, if neither one of us is in a relationship, maybe we can try again. I am 23 years old, my ex is 26. I believe I am mature enough to be his friend, but we have so much there between us, that it is very hard to let it go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 1:41pm
I agree with what other people have said that it doesn't really work while you still have feelings for each other and want to be together. And if you're still holding on to hope that you may get back together someday, I think that makes it even more difficult to let go.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 7:22pm

Yes, they can (I have several exes who are friends now--but it took varying periods of no contact before we were able to get to that point) but NOT when either or both people still have romantic feelings for each other.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 12:52am

If either party is still holding out hope that things will change and you'll end up together, it will be a very awkward and unhappy friendship. Been there, done that. We broke up and were great friends for almost a year. Then he started dating someone else, and I was insanely jealous. I wanted him back. And it's funny - I didn't really want him much until that happened...but I guess I had been hoping that eventually he'd come back to me. As soon as I realized he liked her way more than he'd ever liked me, I moved on. We are truly just friends now. I've met someone else who I am totally in love with and is so much better for me than this guy ever was...I have no interest in him anymore as anything past platonic.

Just be honest with yourself. If you're still hoping for another chance, then maybe some distance is necessary until the "planets are aligned" properly for you two. If it's meant to be, it will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 8:37pm
Well...my ex and I are making plans to see each other this coming week for a drink. There is something there and I am very very happy to see him and talk to him, but it will be hard because I am still very much in love with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 1:59pm

I do hope this works out for you... please just be careful. I don't want to see you hurting again.


And please, let us know what happens after you meet up!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 3:50pm
Thank you so much...i am watching my back with this. But I feel like I need to go see him because I miss him so so much and we just want to have a drink and talk. It does not mean we will get back together or anything but so many things have happened since we broke up and we really need to have a conversation about everything...he will call me tomorrow to let me know when we can get together...possibly sometime later on this week. I have to tell you though, he called me yesterday after I left him a voice message early sunday morning (very drunk nonetheless) that I miss him and I love him...hmm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 10:17pm

I answered your other post as well.


Ex's can be friends but it's a hard thing to pull off. The two have to have a strong foundation of friendship and respect, there can't be bitterness, regret, longing, lopsided feelings, etc., both have to be in the same place about the relationship - as in not wanting it to become romantic or sexual...


My closest friend is an ex. But again we were always good friends and we've been able to morph to dealing with each other as part of a couple with someone else.

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