Does Age Matter? ...and other issues!
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| Tue, 01-31-2006 - 11:50pm |
Do you think age matters when it comes to dating? I'm 30 something and the man of my desires is 20 something. There's 9 and a bit more than a half *ahem...okay, almost 10 years between us.
The thing is, we're not dating at the moment. There is some shy flirting going on, but nothing has progressed past that point.
Also, we are both kinda on the shy side. We work for the same company, but only cross paths maybe once or twice a week (work in different departments). We have ended up having coffee and/or lunch together on a few occasions and have had many conversations over the past few years, but we never see each other out side of work. When I say we've had coffee/lunch together, what I mean is that we've both shown up at the same time at the same place...it has never been planned. He will choose to come and sit with me if I am sitting by myself, but he has never come over when I am with other people. It's the same with me...if I see him sitting by himself, I will join him and strike up conversation -- if he's sitting with others, I stay away. It's all a bit strange and I feel like a school girl!
The thing is, I do feel a little bit like age does matter...just a little bit though, I could be convinced otherwise! If he were to ask me out I would absolutely say yes. But, I can't make myself ask him out. I suppose part of it is the old fear of rejection thing. I dunno!
Anyhow....does anyone have thoughts about this? Any advice?

Basically, you're in a position of life experiences where you're infinitely more likely to want partnership - than just companionship and sex, whereas that's where he's at right now.
That's why the appeal to you in great part. When he approaches girls his age - they want to date and "make it a relationship". He doesn't want a relationship - that's a job of obligation and requirement and restriction.
He figures involvement with you is like The Graduate nad you're Mrs. Robinson. You're aware that what you two want in life due to experience disparity isn't the same, you're not going to try to make him into what he's not - anything other than a boy toy - and he'll have some hot sex with an experienced woman who can teach him a few tricks of the trade.
If you want to do this at work, go ahead....personally, I think it's a disaster waiting to happen. This kid is going to talk....he's going to be having casual sex, without dating most likely- - with "the older woman". He's going to talk at the water cooler and in the restroom about his weekend or weeknight escapades. When he does - you're going to be mentioned specificially.
While there's nothing wrong with you wanting a boy toy for casual sex........that's going to get you some professional fallout potentially that isnegative.
Most workplaces frown on involvement between coworkers, while htey might not have rules to prohibit it. But as a rule, it's going to limit how far up the corporate ladder you go. A man might get away with "doing the young secretary" if he can be discrete.......but you're going to have a much harder time moving up professionally if you're known for "doing the mailroom help".
And obviously, this can make for some very potentially awkward discussions betwen you and your supervisors, particularly if they're male. Because in positions of superiority - you're going to be told outright "when you go on business trips, represent this organization, are seen around town at social functions, when you're in this office ON company time - if you're seen to be seducing the help in order to get gratification, yu're goig to be fired. That's aliability, and it's a black eye on our professional reputation."
I can see a male supervisor having that conversation with an upwardly mobile male in a company - a curt reminder that is direct of "you will NOT be bending secretaries over desks, nor takig the on trips, nor having them on your arm socially".....works.
That conversation between your male supervisor and you - could be very embarrassing.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Yes, I think age matters in this situation. Of course there are exceptions, but as a general rule, there is a HUGE gap in maturity between a 20-something guy and a 30-something woman...especially if he's in his early to mid 20s.
I wouldn't ask him out...too many potential complications given that you work together.
Sheri
Thank you for your thoughts. A big LOL at the Mrs. Robinson comment! I was thinking more along the lines of Demi and Ashton. LOL.
The fact that we both work for the same company is not an issue at all. It's a HUGE company and dating is fine as long as one person does not report to the other. I also doubt that he is the water cooler "guess who I'm doing" type.
I would have to agree with whoever said that this young man and I are at different points in our lives. I'm not sure I agree that this is a problem though. If we both recognize this and accept that we are at different points, then it's all good...right?
I don't know...I'm still on the fence here.
I have a male cousin who is with a woman 10 years his senior. That kind of makes me hang on to the fence a little more.
I'll have to stew about this a bit longer.
Thank you all for your input! Any more thoughts are welcome!
......As an after thought, what if I was the younger one? Would your thoughts and opinions change?
I wouldn't presume to speculate where a guy in his twenties is in his life. My ex-husband was 24 when we first started dating.
My feeling is as long as you two have similar interests, values, goals...etc, then what the heck. I personally know a few couples where the wife has 10 years on the husband. I guess the main thing is for you to figure out what it is that you hope will come of this. If you are at the point where you are looking to settle down and raise a family, then he might not be the person for you (at this time). Otherwise -- you are right. The age difference doesn't seem to matter in reverse.
The ironic thing with me is, when I started dating after my marriage broke up, I steered away from younger men because I didn't want to get with someone who wanted to start a family. So who knows. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable -- but if your only concern is age - in my eyes you are pretty young!
Iofbeholder, You say your ex-husband was 24 when you started dating…would you mind sharing how old you were?
You are absolutely right in saying that the main thing is for me to figure out what it is that I hope will come of this. Isn’t this part supposed to get easier the older a person gets? Shouldn’t I know what I want? Part of me thinks it would be fun and exciting to be with this man....the other part of me is very unsure. The more I think about it and try to wrap my head around why I’m unsure, the more confused I get!
The work situation is not even the slightest issue in my mind. Even if the absolute worst were to happen (ie..we get together then have a horrible break up), the workplace is so large that we could easily avoid each other. Our departments never interact at all. We have absolutely nothing to do with each other at work. I really wouldn't even consider ourselves co-workers -- we just happen to collect pay from the same company. At worst, I’d have to change the place where I normally go for lunch/coffee because that’s where we usually bump into each other.
I guess I just have to figure out what the heck I want!
Another good point you make is that it’s probably a bit presumptuous for me to assume that I know where this guy is in his life. I guess I’m relating him to me….I know where I was in my life when I was his age, but that doesn’t mean he’s at that same spot at all. We have had coffee/lunch conversations though, so I do know that he does have some more "growing" to do. He has talked about changing careers, which could possibly mean taking some classes at our local college (hmmm...could I date a student?...more to think about!). He does seem like a responsible person -- able to pay his bills and all that stuff. I also know that he is looking into buying a home, which is one step ahead of me! I'm an eternal renter!
Hmmmm…more thinking to do.
I can tend to over analyze things….do you think I’m doing that now? :)
Thank you for your thoughts!
10 years isn't a huge dif, or doesn't have to be depending on maturity levels. It sounds like the shyness thing is more an issue.
Maybe there's something you feel he could help you understand work wise (men love to be asked for help!!) so you can ask him casually for coffee in the cafteteria to help you out - it's not a date per se but you'd be PLANNNG on coffee or lunch together which can lead to a more personal relationship.
Bite the bullet - you said this has been going on for years?? Someone's got to make the first move or you'll be 50 something and 60 something before you know it!
I was a year older. I sometime write my thoughts without clarifing. I only meant the he, at 24, was looking for that special someone to settle down with. He was 26 when we married.
In other words, I (me) personally wouldn't presume what a twenty something guy is looking for, I didn't mean it was presumptuous for you. You have more info than any of us responding. He might be more mature than me -- lol.
And no, it doesn't get a whole lot get easier the older you get - especially when it come to relationships. But the nice thing about getting older is you realize that you can look at things logically and make choices. Logic and romance don't really seem to go hand in hand, but it does serve one better in the end.