Does anyone really date anymore?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Does anyone really date anymore?
13
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 3:56pm

I have started to make an effort to date again since getting a divorce, but I have discovered that after a few "dates" all these men want to do is have sex.  What I mean is, they don't want to go anywhere, do anything, just get together for some naked time and that's that.   Some don't even bother with the pretense of dating, just ask out right if I'll just have sex, though they don't say it so nicely, some including adorable photos of their junk, I guess to entice me (gross!!!).  Others approach me or my friend, who is also single, and very pretty, and ask one of us out, start talking to us a little, and then ask if the other will consent to having a 3some!!!!  We are really depressed by all of this and seriously wondering what kind of image we are projecting here.  Some of these men we've met through mutual friends on Facebook, where we have tons of photos of our kids and us, none of them very sexy or anything, since our kids are our "friends", and others we've met when we go to the club to dance, on online dating sites, or work.  No, we're not wearing super slutty clothes, nor are we drinking a lot, we just both love to go out and dance and have fun.  Last time I checked, I wasn't ugly, overweight, or socially inappropriate, so I'm seriously lost as to why these men are so against the idea of dating vs. having meaningless, nonmonogomous sex after barely getting to know me.  No, I'm not jumping into bed with them right away, or at all in most cases, as I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone I don't care about, so I don't think that's it, either.  I've been told people don't date anymore, but I don't buy it.  I'm worth the effort to get to know, and I have a lot to offer besides my body.  As an independant woman, I have a career, two kids, own a home, car, motorcycle, support myself and my kids well, and can do most things for myself; anything I can't do, I hire someone to do for me.  I have a life of my own, too, full of good friends, family, and fun things I like to do, like ride my motorcycle, go to concerts, and hike, exercise, etc.  I don't "NEED" a man, but I would like someone to share my life with, not just my vagina.  I've tried online dating, but haven't gotten very far with that, either.  It's really depressing.  Any ideas?  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 8:09pm

I don't think it's true that no one dates or wants relationships any more.  I have a group of single mom board friends (some of whom I've met IRL) who are mostly in their 40's.  Many of them have progressed to serious relationships and ironically most of them met their guys through OLD.  I just think it's bad luck.  I think sometimes even if you put on your OLD profile that you want a relationship, some guys will ignore that and think that's something they can get past.  And it's not really the sex either.  When I was divorced from my 1st DH, I was about 40 and then I started dating the guy who became my 2nd DH--we had sex right away but it still developed into a LTR and then marriage.  I do think that most guys do expect sex pretty soon so I suppose you could hold out longer but honestly most women I know like sex too--do we have to pretend to be virgins again not to just get jerks?  Frankly though I don't know what kind of guys you are meeting (and I don't say it's your fault) but I've never had a guy ask directly for sex, send me a pic of his junk or ask for a 3some, so I don't know what's up with those guys.  Oh I also think that if certain guys know that you're recently divorced, they figure you're desperate for sex, so that might have something to do with it--I would try to avoid saying that you just got divorced.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 3:55pm

  One is the dishonesty of dating.  On old there is so much jocking that what people are really looking for is hidden.  Men (and some women ) can get trapped into the friend zone.  Then there is the misunderstandings due to inhibited communication.  Asking nicely for sex is  open because to one it is a turn off to another it is against how it is supposed to be.  Sex is not meaningless.  If people are willing to work at it or do they have an image of the super lover.  Who would want to waste time?   I have many women friends who have related their contempt for men who were "nice" .  Or if they were not up to what they believed the man should be.  I myself can learn more about a woman over a game of monopoly or chess than a "date".  And yes sexually many times it is a case of bad timing.  Or background as I have a lot of women (platonic) friends talking about sex is to me intellectual.  Yet how would you handle a person who you could not read that they had sexual interest? 

    Many people get lazy.  They expect behaviors that were consistent with being 18, 30 years ago.  Worth getting to know implies knowing all of you.  A relationship?  Relationship: as in" a romantic or passionate attachment or a connection:friendship  Each person can be a few degrees off in definition.

  Perhaps just writing down a list of qualifications would be helpful.  The of course there is the fact that the person you might be most compatible with would never have his resume across your desk.   What o you bring to the table?  Are you truly free to start an exclusive relationship. 

 We all come to the table, get dealt the cards of life and play our hand.

     




connection; friendship

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 1:05am
When I say they just want sex, I mean they don't want to go out, do anything, go anywhere, hang out and watch movies, play a board game, etc. I'd much rather go walk on the beach, watch some movies on my couch, go for a ride, etc, then go out on "dates," but even that's too much effort. They want to come over, or have me drive to them, have sex, and leave. Period. I happen to think pretending I don't like sex or "holding out" is retarded; I'm 40 years old and I see no point in playing games. I'm all for having lots of sex, but I don't want to be a booty call; I want someone who cares, you know? The whole sending me pics of the junk is new to me, too. I was like, don't you want to go to dinner or see if you like me first? No, I just want to f*&% you. Gross. I felt like taking a shower, and that was from a message. I would think it was me, but the single women I know are all having the same issues. I think part of it may be that we are all financially secure and make more money than a most of the men around here (as nurses, we aren't rich, but this area is very poor in general). None of us "needs" a man to support them, save them, or whatever, and we're not going to get up a dawn and cook them breakfast, clean the house, and starch their shirts, like their Mamas, cause we have things to do, too. (yes, there are TONS of women here who do all that and stay with men who openly cheat, etc. Welcome to S. TX) There is also a surprisingly large number of men who have wives or girlfriends who work and support them, not because they have been laid off, but because they have NEVER worked, and they sit around all day playing video games and smoking weed, don't do anything to help out, don't look after the kids, etc. Shockingly, none of us wants an overgrown messy child with a drug and/or alcohol problem to support, either. I think, with a large pool of subservient women around, we are not deemed dating material, since we expect to be treated with respect. It's depressing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 7:14am

McPayton-

Hi. I am a 49 year old man now married for 5 1/2 years. Yes, we men do want sex and nowadays aren't used to waiting a long time to get it. However, many of us do want a real relationship where we do go out to dinner and/or a movie with a woman, hang out to cuddle and watch TV, take walks together, etc. It sounds like you're just hanging out with the wrong crowd. My guess is you need to look for men in new, different places and/or websites.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 6:19pm

I really think it's the area of the country you live in.  I live in the Northeast in an urban area where there are a lot of well educated professional men.  Not that you can't find a bunch of well educated jerks too, but the normal expectation here is that even if a guy is looking for sex, he can't just ask for sex & treat a woman like a booty call--regular guys will expect to take a woman on dates (and pay for them) before getting sex.  I did peruse a certain CL website that has a "casual encounters" section and there are actually a bunch of men on there looking for just hookups and what really did shock me was that they posted pictures of a certain part of their body.  I noticed there were a lot of young men on this site--and I do wonder if any women take them up on that or if it's just a hopeful fantasy on their part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 6:30pm

I would guess that if you clearly stated what you were looking for on a dating site and mentioned that this kind of guy would be happy to get to know you via written/video chat for some time before 'needing' to meet in person combined with you enforcing your desire, you would screen out the type you are not looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 9:49am
Hello Mcpayton - I'm a guy and was with a female friend one time who wanted me to see her online dating profile. Her profile is as wholesome Sesame Street as it gets. Nothing even remotely sexual about it and everything to do with a nice person wanting to meet another nice person. Yet within the 10 minutes we were looking at it, she got 2 sexual offers from creeps. I was surprised, but she wasn't - she said she was used to it.
Don't take it personal or as hopeless. I think there are two things going on. One is that the old-time flasher freaks who would walk around in a coat and flash their junk in public have now moved on to the internet or tech. It's the same idea, they're just there to get their yah-yahs and shock value by doing that at a safe distance.
The second is that there are always guys who want to date and get to know you. But those are the thoughtful guys and thoughtful guys tend to be more pulled back. The ones you'll always hear from are the little boys in older bodies who only know how to relate to women by stupid sexual suggestions. It's probably what got them divorced or single, they're probably very jaded about all that and they don't care what you think or what anyone else thinks. They'll just keep propositioning in the hope that it may eventually work without them paying for it. So you'll always hear from those types making it seem more hopeless than it is.
Kind of related to that, the entertainment industry of TV, movies and music inundates this country with messages that people only want sex and no other human connection, there are mindless people stupid enough to follow that as how they're supposed to behave.
So don't give up trying or think all guys are like this. We aren't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 3:16pm

Seems a shame that "hooking up" is the thing to do today and then maybe have a relationship afterwards or maybe not.

I agree that it would be nice to go on a few dates, get to know someone and decide if you want a relationship before jumping straight into bed.

I hope you find someone of the same interests and not just a bed hopper.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2009
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 6:31am

I have to respond the way guys act now is very disgusting.They have a sense of entitlement because your your single no matter what age I am 62.Have tried most dating sites awfull expeirence for me.I lost my husband in 09 after a year and a half tried dating and grown men act like horny teenagers.No dates they just want sex...I feel very sad that these guys are missing the point of a good relationship but they couldn't be bothered.Don't fall for the smooth talkers they will use you and leave your self esteem in dumps.

The dating sites are a  waste of time and money,the ads are a crock.

 

 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 01-20-2013 - 10:08am

As to dating sites being a waste of time: perhaps they are. However, I must say I have met some nice, decent, interesting men online. It just so happens that none of them have worked into a LTR, but I could meet nice, decent, interesting men in real life and still not have it work out.

Yes, of course there are the creeps online. I have never had a guy email a photo of his family jewels,  but I've had my share of rude, suggestive emails. Not everyone has the stomach for OLD, or they can't do it for very long without being discouraged or creeped out.

I'm in my 50s, and my pool of eligible men has drained to a wading pool. Online has expanded my choices. You really do just have to ignore the creeps, and understand that 90% of men on a dating site will not be a match for you.

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