Does he care about me at all???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Does he care about me at all???
5
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 3:40am
I am very attracted to a co-worker of mine but never expected that it would go past just the usual flirting at work. I was switched to the night shift while he stayed on the day shift and it was then that he started emailing me from home. it was always flirting back and forth which made me very happy! One thing I should mention is that from the moment I saw him, I thought he was so gorgeous! Then when he started flirting with me, I actually felt priveledged that he would flirt with ME, of all people! This went on for a while and then he started seeing someone else... another co-worker of ours. I was pretty much crushed but figured I'd move on. The emails did stop... for a while. Eventually they started again. Again I felt priveledged that he would even think of me while he was at home. One night, he stopped by work and I walked with him out to the parking lot and he kissed me! I was in heaven! Yes, even though he was still seeing this other girl. Shortly after that kiss, we started meeting at his place and we now have a strictly sexual relationship that has been going on for 2 years now! From that first kiss, I accepted the fact that he was taken so there could be no other relationship besides a sexual one. During these 2 years, he has told me many times that he loves being with me... but never that he loves me. There have been plenty of times that I tell myself that I am perfectly happy with the way things are and I am just going to take what I can get because this guy is so fine that I should be thankful he is even looking in my direction! Then of course there are other times I tell myself I am better than this... I deserve much better than this! I guess what I really want and need to know is since he hasn't told me those 3 little words, does he even care about me at all?? Is he only using me? If he alreay has a girlfriend, why does he need me around?? I think that knowing that we've been secretly seeing each other for so long and him not even really caring about me is too painful for me to fathom. I need to hear him at least say that he has SOME kind of feelings for me. Am I just kidding myself? Am I being really stupid?? And most importantly, how do I stop??!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 8:10am

The way you stop is to FACE facts, hon.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 9:22am
He's not using you because you agree to be in this type of relationship with him, so theres no "using" going on. You two are in a strictly sexual relationship, it's not love, it's sex. So you are kidding yourself if you believe he's going to suddenly be in love with you.

He sees you as purely sexual, if you want more than that I'd move on. But I don't understand how you can, the only thing you talk about him is his looks, how he's hot and fine and how you feel priviledged someone so hot talks to you, that isn't love either.

Love comes from deep within, a deep connection to someone, having things in common, enjoying spending quality time together (NOT IN BED), sharing dreams, hopes and passions. You don't have that.

Sorry to burst your bubble but you have sex. And you have sex with someone that has a real girlfriend that he shares his hopes, dreams and passions with. If you want someone to be your boyfriend and share love with, you need to break this off and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 7:12am
thanks jilly. you are right. i definitely need to get out. in the beginning we were both using each other because i knew from the start what i was getting myself into and i was fine with that. in the beginning, all i wanted from him was sex. nothing more. but as time passed, of course i started having trouble keeping my feelings out of it. and before i knew it, i was in too deep. now i know i need to end it but i can't really be mad at him since he never promised me anything and i knew he was taken from the beginning. i'm just going to tell him that i need to move on. that simple :) thanks for you help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:31am
I know what you are going through. I too am in a similiar situation. I was seeing this guy for about 6 or 7 months. Our relationship was primarily physical. I, juat like you had strong feelings for this guy and because the sex was soooo great I figured I would keep him around for the sex and eventually he would come to realize that he loved me.

WRONG......

I could not have been more wrong about anything in my whole life. Yeah we were very much involved on a physical level, and while my heart also was involved his was not. Men will take whatever it is that we have to give them, and take it freely, and while he may have verbalized to you " I really love being with you" What he really wants to say is " I really like f%@#ing you" As sad as it may be to realize and accept. He does not want you for anything more than you are giving him, and when he gets tired of the sex he will be gone altogether. Do yourself a favor and stop seeing him now. You deserve so much more than to be sharing this other woman's man. While we cannot control who we fall in love with we can control the situations that we put ourselves in. Remember to love YOU.

Hope this helps... Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:54pm
I want to say thanks to all of these replies on this subject. I am currently in a very similiar situation. I too have been having a purely physical relationship with a guy for almost 5 months now. I too have deep feelings involved and I'm hoping that one day he will "wake up and realize what is in front of him". The only difference is that he doesn't have a girlfriend. In fact, that might be what is making this harder on me. I feel like I have been played for a fool, yet I understand that what has happened I have let happen to myself. Part of me wants to move on, and part of me wants to hold on in case things do turn out my way. However, I know that I am potentially setting myself up for a huge letdown and heartache, but I don't know how to let go completely. My heart is torn between these decisions. I guess ultimately I'm going to feel pain either way. I just have to decide if I'm going to have that pain sooner or prolong it and make it worse. How is it that you know what you should do, but just can't seem to bring yourself to do it?

-amarie