Does he deserve my doubt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Does he deserve my doubt?
5
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 1:00pm

My boyfriend and I moved in together about a month ago. We've had a pretty nice honeymoon period and everything seemed to be going well. I can't get him to do the dishes - ever, but that's a separate issue.

Yesterday he was asleep and I was about to start changing the oil in his car. I already had it lifted before I found that the ratchet I needed to get his oil plug off was missing out of my set. I tried knocking on the door of the man who lives beneath us but he wasn't home so I decided to check my bf's trunk. He always has a ton of gadgets and different things in the trunk of his car. I didn't find any tools but I found a new box of open condoms hidden under a hat on top of his pile.

I was shocked but before I did or said anything I thought I'd check to see if maybe they were old (although the packaging was in great condition for being in his trunk. They were the same brand we use but just a different style. We don't usually use condoms since I'm on the pill so the last time we purchased any was last May and the expiration date on ours is December of 2008. The expiration date of the condoms I found in his trunk were May 2009. I checked a sex-ed website and it said that the average condom is good for up to four years after being manufactured.

I didn't yell or accuse him of anything when he woke up. I gave him a few minutes to get over being groggy and told him the story about trying to change his oil and simply asked him "You know I love you but would you tell me about the condoms in your trunk?"

He got angry, told me that he had just found them when he was cleaning out his old car (he bought a new one a couple of months ago) and he had thrown them in the trunk with the rest of his junk. He said he thought they were probably a couple of years old. He stormed off and went back to bed. A couple hours later I thought I heard crying and so I went to our bedroom and he was just staring at the ceiling. He started talking about how he had always been completely devoted to me and so on. I told him that the thing that upset me the most was the idea of having been left in the dark and lied to but anything else I probably could have handled. I noticed that his eyebrow jumped (like surprise). He was acting clingy and all but I went back out to the kitchen and started cleaning.

He got up much later and was still acting sad and clingy. When I would ask him what was on his mind he would tell me that he's just upset because I seem upset. I told him that I loved him and that I wasn't going to outright accuse him of anything but that I knew the story I was getting about the condoms was a lie. He got angry and stormed off again and this time I followed him. Basically what I got out of him was that he didn't remember where they came from but the best he could figure was that they were left over from earlier in our relationship.

And I let it go at that. I can't tell if this is an innocent situation and he's frustrated about not being believed or if he's just angry about getting caught.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 6:05pm
I don't know if I can shed any light. I basically want to express my sympathy towards you. I will say that it sounds like your bf is waffling. His behavior reminds me of a little boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar. My guess is that if you continue to talk about it he will get angrier and more defensive. It really sounds like he's following your lead, trying to get a feel on how to respond by the way you act. Whether that indicates guilt or not, I don't really know. Mirroring someone else has its place, I suppose, but I'm a little uncomfortable with the thought that he's acting angry and you heard crying probably. I don't think you're going to get much out of him. Is there anyone else you trust you could ask, his friends maybe? Unless you consider that going behind his back. Part of the fun of doing wrong for most people is telling someone else about it. My impression is that he's probably guilty and scrambling for a way to cover it up. If you came out of the blue with an unfounded accusation, I could see how his anger might be warranted, but you simply made a reasonable inquiry. I see red flags there. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:05pm

I had the same thing happen to me not too long ago. My ex-bf opened up his trunk while I was standing behind him. A condom caught my eye. Before he shut the lid, I asked about it. When I went in to grab it to check the experation date as well, I ended up finding a open box of them. He told me that he didn't know how long he has had then in his car. He said they were in a "box of junk". To this day I don't know if I believe him only because we did break up recently because he was cheating on me. When we first started having sex he already had an open box avaliable with him at home. So it was strange that he would have them in his car as well. At the time though I couldn't accuse him of anything because I had nothing to go on.

Not giving you an opinion here, just sharing my same experiance.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 10:29pm

I must say that I don't like the sound of this story. Of course, I only have your words to go by but the way you described his reaction suggests that he got up to mischief (or was planning to) and has something to hide. I don't see why he would otherwise have reasons to get angry and defensive (especially if you were not attacking him). But as I said I wasn't there and I only know what you told us.

This is still obviously bothering you and things will not be resolved before you get a satisfactory answer out of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 1:10am
I ofcourse don't know for sure either whether he is being honest or not, but I want to mention that people can be innocent, and can still get angry. If a man I have done a lot for, gets suspicious about any single thing, I can get pretty upset that he even "thought" of such a thing. It's totally possible he might have forgotten when he got that or the details etc if it indeed was a long ago. Just mentioning that his being innocent should not be entirely ruled out. Yes, it's possible he "might" be hiding something. But it's also possible he is feeling anxious and upset because of such an awkward thing being hurled at him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 10:07am

Just a little insight~~

My ex husband was a pathalogical liar. Everytime I would bring up somethng that seemed odd to me, he also would be very defensive, angry and would walk away from the situation so he would not have to keep answering me..My ex would also lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling and I would ask him whats wrong or what are you thinking about and he would always say ...nothing. I think thats very weird. I don't know about you, but I never lay in bed and just stare up at the ceiling..I became a very tired person playing Inspector Gadget. If it doesn't smell right, it usually isn't. My whole marriage was lies..it was pathetic and I only lived with him for a matter of months...keep your eyes and ears open..

Just my 2cents...Victoria