Does he love me?
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| Wed, 05-10-2006 - 12:18am |
Hello...
I was friends with this guy in college...but at the time we weren't that close. Fast forward about 10 years and now we're both working in the same office...and spending more time talking while on the job...since we basically work together. While I've noticed him in a different way...(I'm attracted to him), I've never made a move because he's engaged to an acquaintence of mine. Anyway, last weekend a group of us from the office went out(sans his fiancee) and he and I were the last to head home...he started venting about the job and our boss and I was trying to be supportive...then he started venting about his fiancee...and how she wants to move to another state when they do tie the knot...eventhough he's told her he doesn't want to.
I told him where you live should be a mutual decision, in my opinion at least. I then asked him if they haven't been able to agree on where to live, if they've even talked about kids...and he said "not really". Basically, there's a lot he hasn't talked to her about..and quite honestly doesn't seem like he is excited to marry her--he's just been with her so long it's just something that is "supposed" to happen.
At any rate, at the close of our conversation, he gave me a really tight hug--tighter than most guy/girl friend hugs that I've had before. It really was more like an embrace if that makes sense...and it got to the point where you'd normally break away from the hug, that he seemed to grab me tighter. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY liked it but was confused. Anyway at the end of the hug, with my arms still around his neck, I looked him right in the eyes and said I had his back and that he could talk to me anytime (mostly in relation to the issues at work). He thanked me, we separated and then headed to our respective cars.
Since then, he's been opening up to me more and more about how he's not happy about his bride's choice of things for the wedding and whatnot. And I've noticed that he's been trying to help me out at work as well...doing research and stuff that he doesn't have to do but does to help me..and overall we seem to be spending more time together.
I haven't said anything to him about our embrace, but it's been on my mind ever since. So I ask you, is it possible he likes me and is having 2nd thoughts about getting married? Do I approach him about things? I'm concerned because I don't want to be considered a homewrecker or anything (he lives with her) but at the same time, I really care for him, and we're more on par with things like age, religon, etc.
Please help!!

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k8tee...
It's only PG's 2 cents, but have you considered the possibility that the gentleman you work with (and obviously have feelings for) is looking for some sort of "feminine permission" to get out of his wedding engagement?
Sometimes a few of us realize we've made 'the wrong choice' a few months after we've made it? But cancelling out and calling everything off isn't always easy...because we know our intended (and her family) will become hurt, angry, or both! So we go through the process and hope that everything will eventually work out?
My two suggestions:
First....forget about the embrace the two of you shared together. That was nothing more than a gesture of friendship. Reading anything more into it would be a mistake...at least for now!
Second...if you're both talking about each other's future (his and yours)...bring up the question: "Would you honestly be happier right now if you weren't engaged to be married?" After a little thought, this man will have to respond in the positive or negative...or at least offer a reason or two why he's not sure?
BUT...if his answer concerning marriage to his current fiancee is "NO"....don't interpret this as a sign that he plans to transfer his feelings in your direction?
Most of us need a little time and space to COOL DOWN from a previous relationship before we jump into a new one.
Pianoguy
From what you've written, I don't see anything that indicates he doesn't want to marry her or that he wants to get involved with you.
Wedding planning can be stressful, and it sounds like he wanted to vent to someone not closely connected to it, and he found you were willing to listen.
I wouldn't read anything more into it.
Wow... that's a big jump from one tight hug to "Does he love me?"
Bottom line... he's engaged, and if he is having second thoughts about getting married that's something he needs to work out with his fiancee.
Even if he has become physically attracted to you, it would be a mistake on both your parts to act on it. He's in a very stressful situation right now, as he's in the middle of planning a wedding, fighting with his fiancee about where they will live, trying to prepare himself for marriage and giving up the single life. If you REALLY have his back, you wouldn't want to confuse him further by entertaining ideas of an affair.
So, be a real friend and keep your distance. Even if he ultimately breaks up with his fiancee, it could be quite a while before he was in any shape to start another relationship, with you or anyone.
Hey everyone,
First, thanks for the advice...I really have been trying to follow it...but I can't deny my gut feeling on this...still, I'd figure I'd post the latest and you can again tell me if I'm insane.
As I said before, it seems that he might be having 2nd thoughts about his fiancee because he says she doesn't laugh at his jokes, he hates spending time with her friends (and most of her family) because they don't like him, and while she wants to move once they do get married, he's not really interested in doing so. He had a couple of these instances in the last week or so.
I have been having a really rough time lately...my brother was murdered and my father recently died. Anyway, this guy has been totally there for me--from being someone who listens to me when I need to vent...to giving me a hug when I need one (and they're long and tight!) to being in court and holding my hand during the trial...
He says he appreciates when I laugh at his jokes b/c his fiancee doesn't (she apparently rolls her eyes) OH and did I mention she gets pissy when he gives his 2 cents about the wedding plans??
My issue is--it sounds like he doesn't want to marry her...at least to me, and he's called me "a great conversationalist"..to another friend of mine...so I don't know what to do. He has also mentioned to me how he's never been good at making the first move.
So my question--am I right to think this marriage may not happen, and that he could also be thinking about me the way I'm thinking about him?
I should also mention that I've told him I am attracted to him...and all I know is that I can't stand not being with him...even for a moment...but I don't want to be the one to break them up..if that makes sense.
If I'm crazy tell me, but I just have this feeling that maybe he's thinkin the same thing I am...
So it sounds like nothing has changed. I think you're losing perspective here. Your focusing on all the fiancee's shortcomings (she doesn't laugh at his jokes, she gets pissy at him, her family doesn't like him, etc.) as if this justifies what amounts to his emotional betrayal of the woman he is engaged to. Where is his accountability in all of this? What about yours?
If he is so dissatisfied with her, then why is he still engaged to her? You can speculate on what he may or may not do, but realize that in the end, you will likely be the one left alone. Why put yourself into this potential position?
I think this is a very dangerous game. If he has any strength of character and he doesn't want to marry this woman, he'll break it off. But from what you describe, his MO of whining to you about his fiancee but not doing anything about shows a real lack of integrity and character. And this is the man you want to be with?
I just read your update.
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