Does he love me?
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| Wed, 05-10-2006 - 12:18am |
Hello...
I was friends with this guy in college...but at the time we weren't that close. Fast forward about 10 years and now we're both working in the same office...and spending more time talking while on the job...since we basically work together. While I've noticed him in a different way...(I'm attracted to him), I've never made a move because he's engaged to an acquaintence of mine. Anyway, last weekend a group of us from the office went out(sans his fiancee) and he and I were the last to head home...he started venting about the job and our boss and I was trying to be supportive...then he started venting about his fiancee...and how she wants to move to another state when they do tie the knot...eventhough he's told her he doesn't want to.
I told him where you live should be a mutual decision, in my opinion at least. I then asked him if they haven't been able to agree on where to live, if they've even talked about kids...and he said "not really". Basically, there's a lot he hasn't talked to her about..and quite honestly doesn't seem like he is excited to marry her--he's just been with her so long it's just something that is "supposed" to happen.
At any rate, at the close of our conversation, he gave me a really tight hug--tighter than most guy/girl friend hugs that I've had before. It really was more like an embrace if that makes sense...and it got to the point where you'd normally break away from the hug, that he seemed to grab me tighter. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY liked it but was confused. Anyway at the end of the hug, with my arms still around his neck, I looked him right in the eyes and said I had his back and that he could talk to me anytime (mostly in relation to the issues at work). He thanked me, we separated and then headed to our respective cars.
Since then, he's been opening up to me more and more about how he's not happy about his bride's choice of things for the wedding and whatnot. And I've noticed that he's been trying to help me out at work as well...doing research and stuff that he doesn't have to do but does to help me..and overall we seem to be spending more time together.
I haven't said anything to him about our embrace, but it's been on my mind ever since. So I ask you, is it possible he likes me and is having 2nd thoughts about getting married? Do I approach him about things? I'm concerned because I don't want to be considered a homewrecker or anything (he lives with her) but at the same time, I really care for him, and we're more on par with things like age, religon, etc.
Please help!!

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What did he say when you told him you were attracted to him?
Honey, if he has a fiance, he shouldn't be getting cosy with you. It's for sure that he is very attracted to you and wants to get closer to you. What he said to you about his dissatisfaction with his fiance and how she wants to move to another place and everything else he doesn't like about her sounds to me like he is saying these things to bring you into a friendship with him.
So many married men, who cheat, lie about their wives. They justify their cheating this way and it brings innocent women into their web of deceit.
Why would you want a man who has a fiance as a friend? You have feelings for him. The only way you should be friends with him, is if he and his fiance has broken up and are totally through with each other.
If you continue to get pulled into his friendship, you are going to end up with a broken heart. Think more of yourself and drop him. Surely you can do better to find a man who is unattached? good luck
Thanks to everyone for their advice....now there's a new issue I really need help with. It turns out that he has strong feelings for me as well! We spoke at length about it last night...about a week after I told him how I felt. Neither of us want to hurt his Fiancee...and he's not sure what he wants to do. All he kept saying was "if only you came around 3 years ago......" We don't want to stop spending time together because we think about eachother constantly as it is (plus, we work together...where we keep things strictly professional)
At this point he says the idea of calling off the wedding hasn't crossed his mind...but he's not sure. I've said I don't want to be the "other woman" and that if he's not 100 percent sure he wants to get married, he needs to talk to his fiancee about it...but not to break up over me. Basically i've said the ball is in his court now and that he should make a decision soon...since the wedding is less than a year away.
Have I done the right thing? What else if anything SHOULD be done?
Thanks!
I think you know very well what more *should* be done but you've already said you're not going to do it, so there you go. Just don't be surprised when he propositions you to be the chick on the side because he still "doesn't know" but can't contain his passion for you.
Get away from him is what you should do.
k8tee...
A PS from PG:
If a man can suddenly dump his fiancee in favor of YOU.....what makes you think the same thing can't happen to YOU in a few months with a different woman?
Run like HELL from this idiot! If for no other reason...than for your sanity!
Pianoguy
Basically you've given him all the power in the situation. You'll stand by until he makes up his mind and from you what you describe, it sounds like he's still planning to go through with the wedding.
Try to look at this situation as objectively as possible. I believe you're caught up because you have feelings for this guy and aren't exercising your best judgment. It's crazy and there's no good outcome for you. Think through all of the possible ones. Even in the best case scenario (for you), he'll end up with you, but you end up with someone with a propensity for betrayal and dishonesty.
You're already emotionally invested in this otherwise unavailable man, so no matter what route is taken, I foresee many complications and someone WILL end up with their heart broken. And the crazy thing is, this man who has exhibited such selfish behavior by stringing you along while keeping his engagement and has been so dishonest to his fiancee, will most likely emerge in the most favorable position.
I HATE to see women allow themselves into these insane situations. It's so unacceptable that he just gets to sit by and act all uncertain and indecisive. Where is his accountability in all of this? Is he that great that he gets off the hook for his deceptiveness while you rationalize his behavior and stand by?
You're selling yourself so short here. I hope the outcome results in minimal damage for all parties involved.
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