does he love me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
does he love me?
6
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:43pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. About 5 years ago his fiancee cheated on him. Ever since he's been scared to be in a relationship. It took him over a year into our relationship to admit we were bf/gf. He is slowly improving but I'm feeling very insecure.

I've told him that I love him, but he hasn't said he loves me. He's said "I care about you more than I want to admit" but he also says he doesn't know how he feels. He's told me he cares about me "a lot." I care about him more than I've ever cared about anyone else. We're best friends and the thought that he doesn't love me, and that I could lose my best friend breaks my heart. I'm trying to be objective, but I really think he does love me and isn't ready to say it, but then I second guess myself.

But at the same time, I need to know whether or not he does love me, or if I'm just setting myself up for a bigger heartbreak. He says he feels "broken" inside, and I'm so confused about whether he loves me and is afraid to say, or if he doesn't.

Any advice would be appreciated

Avatar for taylor1286
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 2:19pm
If after 2 years and I hadn't heard "I love you" - I think it would be time to move on. 2 years isn't 2 months, it is a long enought time to be with someone and know. He should have known if he loved you or not long before that, and had expressed it either way already. Sounds to me like you are convienent for him and that he doesn't actually love you in a romantic sense. I'm sorry but based on your post, that is what I read into it.

Sounds to me like this guy isn't even over his fiance yet, though you've spent 2 years with him!! I think you deserve better than that, don't you?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 2:56pm
The key word here seems to be "years." FIVE years ago his fiancee cheated on him. He can be wary, he can be cautious, he can be concerned, but he is NOT allowed to be broken. If after 5 years (and 2 years with you) he still hasn't overcome the betrayal of his fiancee than quite truly he isn't ready to be in a relationship. And it's cruel and rude to be in a relationship with you for 2 years and make you feel like you have to coddle him because FIVE YEARS AGO someone cheated on him. You did not cheat on him. You did not betray him. You stood lovingly by his side while he tackled life's difficult paths, and even though you've showed him every support that you love him, would never hurt him, care about him (etc) he's still unwilling to believe you. That's not a relationship. That's S&M.

He's not a teenager, he's not allowed to pine after a lost love. And if he is. Then you don't need to be around to see it. Leave him. Let him get over himself and this girl that wounded him so deeply that FIVE YEARS later he can't allow himself to love. (that's sarcasm)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 3:40pm
He either doesn't love you or he is not letting himself love you - either way what kind of future does such a relationship have for you and how long do you want to stay with someone who will not commit emotionally to you or in any other way that matters? It's not like he's in therapy to work on this issue, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 3:45pm
It sounds to me this boy is incapable of loving anyone but himself.
Avatar for taylor1286
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:46pm
What does that mean - not letting himself love you? I've always assumed that was BS, but I read your posts and respect your advice so I was curious if you'd elaborate on that for me? Thanks!

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 6:04pm
It means that it is possible he has closed himself off to opening his heart - that even if he felt loving feelings, he would choose not to respond to them and either to sabotage things or not nurture those feelings. To me, loving is giving so that if you love someone you are inspired to give to them - that is an action. Just because you feel love doesn't mean you are ready to risk showing that to the other person. Or, as another example, if I started to fall in love with a married man, I would make sure to stay completely away from that person such that the loving feelings would fade over time.

Having said that to me the majority of the time that someone doesn't tell someone else he/she loves that person it is because that person doesn't feel love for the other person.