Does He Want to Marry Me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Does He Want to Marry Me?
11
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:23pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. He is 23 and I am 22 (I know, we're still young.) About 4 months into the relationship, my boyfriend expressed to me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I felt the same way. Since then, we've spoken of children and getting a place, and he has told me that we will be engaged within a year from now. I want to believe this, but lately he has seemed reluctant to talk about things like we used to. When I ask him, he gets upset, and says that I should "just know" that he wants those things. He thinks that I am too nit-picky about it. Perhaps I am just being insecure, but is there a deeper underlying problem? Why does he all of a sudden clam up about the subject? He maintains that he does indeed want these things to happen, so what should I do to ensure that we're both serious, and I'm not just being led on? Thanks.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:40pm
You are young and you should not want to rush into either marraige or children. You two have been together for a while and you seem to be at the point where you want more commitment. I'm sure he is well aware of A) the length of time you have been together and B) that you want more. He is probably just nervous about it, since you are probably bringing it up more than you used to. He has said in the past that he does want to marry you. He may be nervous as he is feeling the pressure probably not only from you but his family or friends as well.

Relax on the subject a bit. Let it go for a few months and see what happens. The more you push him, the more he is likely to pull away.

If you really *need* to know anything, just ask him if he loves you and leave it at that. Revisit the subject in a few months. 22/ 23 is too young to make that kind of decision, I think.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:56pm
The question should not be in how old we are, but in our feelings and dedication to one another. I agree that we are too young to physically get married, but I believe that we are not too young to promise ourselves to eachother and plan for a wedding a couple of years from now. It annoys me when people say "you're too young" because I look at people who were married in their early 20's and share a wonderful relationship, even 20 or more years later. It depends on the person. Some people are not ready until they are in their 30's or even older. Should age really be a factor if two people are in love and want the same things? My question was not in "is it valid because of our ages", but "is it a requited feeling"...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 4:03pm
True, but you also have to think that as a woman, you ARE more mature than him at this point. I do agree that you are old enough to talk about a marraige in the future. I was engaged at 22, but am glad that I did not get married.

Perhaps you are looking for a promise ring idea? It would show his commitment to you without being an engagement at this time.

I hope that it does work out for you, you sound very sure of this relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:07pm
Okay well to answer your question a different way other than "age" is that he's not ready, it could be HIS age that is holding him back right now. Are you okay with waiting until he's ready or are you pushing him with all the constant questioning?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:11pm
I agree with you alison. I was married at the age of 20. You change so much between the ages of 20-27, and its very difficult to maintain a marriage when people are in college, just getting started in the working world etc, not being established.

But those are all lessons that people have to learn on their own, I was utterly and totally in love with my husband, he with me, we both had the same desires, goals, morals. But it didn't work. 6 years later we were divorced, age definitely had a lot to do with the decisions. Had he said I'm not ready, we wouldn't have married and maybe we would have split up as we both grew and matured.

Unfortunately people get mad when you tell them to wait and they just dig in their heels so you gotta let people make their own mistakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:47pm
Sally,

I agree. I had my son at 22, planned pregnancy. I didn't want to listen to all those people who said *enjoy your time now, no rush, kids are a lot of work, you have time*

But I was set that I wanted a child and we got pregnant. Then everything crashed. Now I'm a single mom with a wonderful little boy. Do I regret having him? No. Do I regret when I had him? Yes. I also should have listened to that little voice inside that said that this guy wasn't the one. But I wanted to believe that things could work and that we would work through anything. Now I have to deal with this man for the rest of my life because we have a child together. Has he grown up or changed? No. Have I? Yes.

But yes, we don't want to hear the negative when we are young. The downside to our decision. We can only tell the lessons we learn along the way and hope that those who haven't gone through them listen to one little bit and take it to heart.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:48am
I did not get angry at anyone's advice...I only wanted to point out that it's not ALWAYS a recipe for disaster when two young people become engaged/get married. Perhaps it is a sad statistic, and I'm sorry that you, perhaps, are included in that, but it will not always be so in every case. I believe it would be more of a mistake to ignore our feelings. Waiting is indeed a good thing. By the time we are engaged, we'll both be older and have been together for over 2 years. Anticipating a mistake is not the way love works. When you know, you just know. That's all there is to it. This is the first time I've felt I wanted to share my entire life, have children with and grow old with a person, and vice-versa. There is no mistake in that.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:00pm
In addition, I know many people who married young and have had wonderful relationships. Fact of the matter is, lots of older couples who marry (30+), also divorce. So would you warn them, also, to anticipate some sort of mistake, or to second guess their feelings? I am no longer a child. I have made mistakes, and I know what they feel like. I am capable of loving and devoting myself to a person. And for the rest of my life, I want to dedicate myself to Tom. Love is not only a feeling, but a choice. Dedication is a choice. Perhaps the young couples who split become bored and lose sight of their CHOICE to love forever. I am lucky to have someone who I KNOW would never cheat on me, or leave me for someone else. We choose to love one another. Tom has also told me that I am the last and only woman he ever wants to make love to again. I am in complete accord with that.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:06pm
I think this is one post you may be showing your age.

I didn't say marrying him now would be a mistake. That's what you are thinking you are reading. I simply stated, that you can give people advice but they need to learn their lessons on their own, that's what I said to alison. And its not sad that I got divorced, it's actually one of the best things that happened to me, I've learned so much about myself, my choices, my morals, my beliefs and my desires in life that probably wouldn't have come if I hadn't had the experiences I have had.

We have learned through life experiences that waiting to marry is a better choice, nobody said getting married would be a mistake and nobody said you would divorce, but it sounds as though your boyfriend has clearly stated he's not ready and you seem anxious about this at your age, we are saying why worry? You have plenty of time.

Statistically speaking: Percentage of people that married under the age of 20 who eventually get divorced as of 1995: 40%

Percentage of people that married over the age of 25 who eventually get divorced as of 1995: 24%

That is a big difference.

Nobody is telling you won't marry, nobody is telling you that wanting to marry is a mistake. We are trying to share our wisdom with you and you seemed quite defensive at Alison about the "age" thing even though you proclaim here you weren't angry.

Statistics were found at: http://www.divorcemagazine.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:17pm
Sally, I'm in the same boat. I was engaged for 4 years to my son's dad and I am SOOOO thankful that I didn't marry him. I was young when we got together and didn't really know anything different. Now at 27, I know what a real relationship is, and that what we had wasn't. Have I been serious with anyone since my son's dad? No. I have dated, but I don't want a fling.

Being young I was so set that I knew what I wanted, but after a few years I changed my views, because I grew up.

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