Does looking good make THEM nervous?
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| Thu, 02-22-2007 - 7:48pm |
I want to preface my post by saying that I'm not trying to come off as pompous or self-rightous. I've actually hesitated posting this because I didn't want anyone to take it the wrong way and have negative feelings towards me.
I consider myself to be a pretty attractive woman...not fashion show runway attractive, but down-to-earth 'pretty' attactive. I sometimes have people comment on my appearance which actually embaresses me because I hate 'standing' out in that way. I also think I have a pretty good personality, outgoing, friendly, funny, compassionate, self-aware, etc. I've been single for a year now, and am happy with that status although I look forward to having a special someone in my life again. Now that I'm ready I noticed that guys just don't seem to be doing any approaching or striking up conversation. I'm a little old fashion in that I like to see a little bit of initiative from his end. So I'm wondering if guys in their late 20's get nervous and have trouble approaching attractive women? I look fairly young, 19/20 even though I'm 24 - so I think this would actually make it easier...or maybe it's the reverse?
I'm just looking for some insight here from others. Please please please don't respond with anything accusing me of being conceited because I assure you I am the least conceited person you'd ever meet!

First of all don't ever think you are conceited because you take the time and effort to look good. More people should take pride in their appearance, IMHO.
The problem is today's men. I notice that as time goes on men are doing less approaching of women. Why? I'm no expert but my guess is that they don't want to appear as pushy or as sexual harassers. Women are getting more assertive and aggressive so men are doing less of the introductory work.
The good news is that you get to do some of the picking and choosing, rather than waiting around for Mr. Right to talk to you. It is perfectly okay to go up to a man and start a conversation. Any decent guy who is interested will probably take the ball and run with it once he realizes there is some interest.
Chamey is partly right by suggesting that men don't want to come across as pushy or sexual harassers, but there is more to it than that. At a high level it breaks down to two main things - equality and attitude.
Equality - It comes across that women are equals across all areas of life with the exception of dating. When it comes to dating a woman doesn't want to be an equal, she wants to be special. Perhaps this is due to there not being any benefits associated with being an equal when dating. For some men, this is a challenge to understand where equality starts and stops. We're learning, but we're not all there or on the same page yet. My suggestion is to at least be an equal when it comes to conversation rather than expecting a man to do all the initial work.
Attitude - Attitude is the most important thing, even more important than looks. Men cherish a woman that is positive, proactive and confident. If a woman is too much of a wall flower, rarely offering a smile, gesture or eye contact - she can easily come across as cold and uninterested or a Princess that expects to be won. This is where Chamey's comments come into play. Many men are not going to chase a cold fish or a Princess as we've had way too many incidents of being slapped across the face to having a drink thrown at us. When you present a positive, proactive and confident attitude (which you likely do across other areas in your life) it shows us that you appreciate good conversation and are approachable. Otherwise, we'll often think that you just want to be left alone.
So there is a balance between equality, being special and attitude. The more down-to-earth a woman is, the more she will attract opportunity. Help break the ice and you will often see a positive response from men.
Edited 2/23/2007 12:53 am ET by spice.man
Ugh...maybe you hit the nail on the head, actually I know that you did by my own reaction from reading it!
I can hold a conversation with anyone, given the opportunity. However if I spot an attractive guy, I will completely avoid eye contact or smiling directly at him. I suddenly clam up at the prospect of being interested in someone...fearing they'll just dismiss me and laugh. It's become such a reaction that I don't even feel I can control it. If a new guy joins my group of friends that's completely different, I'll approach him, stike up a conversation and maintain good, comfortable eye contact. So why can't I do this with strangers...?
I also blush and feel like the entire world can see that I'm nervous, which makes me more nervous.
Any ideas on how I can get past this?
<< Women in your position may experience this because guys think "the woman is pretty so she must be involved". I heard this from a guy's mouth so I believe it.>>
I believe it. Just wait, if she's single in 10 more years, it gets even better. You start getting the "I can't believe you're not married" ... "how can you *not* be married?" ... because at 24, you're not *expected* to be married ... but, if you're pretty and not married by 35 ... wow, watch out! I've actually gotten the "you must one of those career-driven types" (ie, attractive + single = career minded). Go figure.