Does this mean what I think it does?
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Does this mean what I think it does?
| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 11:02pm |
When a guy gives a woman a dozen pink roses and brings her home to meet his parents...that means he pretty much is falling for her, doesn't it? Or can it mean something else? I'm just curious because the guy told me he "couldn't see himself being tied down to ANYONE"...yet he has a woman and is giving her roses. Why don't guys just say they are not interested instead of giving a song and dance about it? It hurts so much worse getting lied to. Please let me know...I want to understand why. Thank you.

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<<Why don't guys just say they are not interested instead of giving a song and dance about it? >>
Because they figure by telling you they don't want anything and don't want to settle down, that by you continuing to see them, you're ok with it. I know it hurts to go through the situation but if he told you this, then trust it. Unless he has said something different. Have you spoken to him about this?
Now it's a mess between us. It's complicated. He got nasty with me because of my crush. It got to the point that I asked that my schedule be changed...I had to give my boss a reason so I accidentally broke down and told her. She was understanding and mad at him for being so immature(he's 43...I'm 27 but more mature than him!)...and she knew as well as other coworkers about my crush without me telling them. Coworkers confronted him long before I did...telling him how we'd make a good couple. But he got furious because she took my side and allowed me to change my schedule. He just got nasty and then gave me an insincere apology that I didn't accept. The next day, he tried apologizing again(seemed sincere) but I told him I'd think about it. A few mins later he came back with a card and said that is what he really felt. I opened the friendship card that was signed love and read his letter. In the letter, he stated how "I will be looking for companionship with you", "maybe one day we will hook-up" and how he wanted to take me to this one place I like to go. SO I believed it...until I asked him a few weeks later when he was planning on taking me to the place. He gave me another letter...this one said how he "couldn't see himself being tied down to one person", was "independent" and tons of other things that showed that he lied to me. I was mad but I still wanted to be work buds with him. He acted like he wanted to be friends and drove me to work but he started getting nasty with me. I would ask for help and he would blow me off. It got to the point that I have been bussing it to work and trying to move on. Then I heard he took his girlfriend home to meet his dad and I saw him drive by one day with a bunch of pink roses. That means he is into her...doesn't it? He lied to me yet again. How do you move on when you work with the crush that crushed you? I try to ignore him but it seems like he just wants to bug me. I just don't get how it got this bad. We had a nice work relationship at one time...had inside jokes and everything. This just hurts so bad...just need to find a way to move on for good. I need this job right now too! Any suggestions? Thanks for listening to me vent.
You just need to accept the fact that you're not the one for him and move on.
A dozen pink roses means just that, a gift of a dozen pink roses. As far as the parents are concerned, the parents might be pushing him to date a nice girl and he is showing them one.
If he says he doesn't want to get tied down, believe him.
My comment to your second post.
This man enjoys the fact you have a crush on him and is trying to prolong it, although he has no intentions of dating you.
Please ignore him and move on. He isn't worth your time and effort.
Let's see what all it could mean:
It ccould mean he wants someone to "impress and please" his family - to get them off his back. ut he doesn't want a relationship he's told her that - and he's expecting her ot use common sense and realize what is considered "typical of commitment" - is in his case "appeasement and placation of parental standards".
He could be a romantic...and romantic people make all these gestures and statements and offers......and in great part it's done to impress and please themselves with thier flair, aplomb, and generosity - you're the recipient and you're gratified - but you're not the purpose of all this.
But the guy has stated outright he doesn't wnat a relationship.....and I'd take him at his word. Because "why" he's doing all this is not because "he's fallen so hard for someone eh just met".......it's because the situation allows it, the response he gets is what he intends from his parents, her, etc....and he's not "misleading" anybody technically.
he's told her - I'm living in this moment, and everything we do in the moments we spend have no indication of any desire for a "future" with you. It's kind of like having hard core great sex and doing things with someone you'll never really be with - so you don't have to repeat this, and you're not worried about your "reputation". This is for a brief period in time according ot you - so you let loose and experiment - but you don't get involved and attached except in the experiences themselves, not the person you're having them with.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hon, let me clue you in further...I married one of these....the 3rd marriage. Looking back - I learned all sorts of things.....so here's a few for you to take forward too.
What is work? IT's where we earn a living, a reputation, it secures our financial future and money determines what we can do and whre he can go and what we can have in our society. Both externally and immediatley - and in the longer term realms.
So at work, most people are their most impressive, most courteous, most responsible, most responsive self. It makes sense. Someone is there all the time that is "aware" of whether you're slacking off, or falling behind, or wahtever else is involved. And naturally, in jobs where tehre's a career track (not a clerical or blue collor type job per se - but not necessarily not that either)..........you can't just sit in the same jobs while people hired after you - are passing you up the corporate ladder. You'll gther dust, and be lost in the shuffle and eventually pink slipped.
so people at work are being the "most impressive' people they can be. STand back......wow....does that hit a nerve or what. Look at some of the people you work with that you consider to conduct themselves based on feelings, or inappropriately - that's AS IMPRESSIVE as they can be....imagine waht they are at home, or elsewhere! YUCK!
Second - flirtation is not seduction. Flirtation is "you're a hottie - back at ya" message - that often because it changes your endorphins and chemmical balance, can make you more energized or optimistic - perhaps more focused and producing of results.
So that is why "dating" at work is discouraged....dating is seduction. Flirtation is not - and therefore until it becomes a sexual offer - it's not seen as a threat by corporate psychology evaluation.
So for 3 years - youo've flirted iwth this guy while believing there was "more" to his personality, his character, his state of intelligence and emotional balance - than actually existed.
For 3 years he took it superficially - she adores me becuase I'm so hunky dory...and that was it. You on the other hand read into his character, his values...what you wanted to see, so that you'd believe you were involved with, interacting with, intertwined with and possibly aligned with someone that would make you like yourself more.
So teh entire time - he interacted with you solely based on what was transpiring in that moment. He wasn't projectig into the future, he wasn't assuming things regarding your character, your needs or expectations. HE simply enjyed the flirtation, the interaction, the exchanges...for what they were and nothing more.
It's possible he lied to you - I haven't read this whole thread.....but it's also just as likely that you had expectations nad associations based on behaviors he'd exhibited - that had you "assuming" he was making offeres, promises, or had desires for more than flirtatious interaction.
So while he was getting out of it what he wanted at the time, and not disappionted due ot no further expectations.
You were never getting out of it what you wanted at the time and you were constantly auditioning for a role. A role for a play that is closed, for which no actor is desired....only you didn't acknowledge it.
Again, I haven't read the whole thread.....but quite likely what you were doing was projecting into his character, values, and integrity what didn't exist - based on what you saw at work. YOu thought 'if he's like this at work he's like this at home"....you thought the responsible adn considerate man with some wit and panache - would be the same at home.
I did that...I worked with a guy I developed a crush on, and created a personality for - that truly did not exist. Several years later we reconnected by accident, and I immediately picked up where I left off with "getting to know him"...which at the time at my lack of self-esteem an awareness - meant I projected onto him what he meant or intended with what he did or said - based on what I wanted to hear. I basically ignored anything that didn't fit the picture.
So while I was so sure the attractive, well-groomed, quiet, sensitive, considerate, responsible, and respectful individual that i knew was "how he was as an individual" - rather than that being a role he played 8 hours a day and resented the requirement of it in full!.........I ignored some very critical elements.
First he didn't care that i wasn't divorced, he was willing to date. That said osmething negative about me as well. Second, he was "open minded" and he didnt mind that I had ore possessions, status, and position than him - he was quit willing to move in. He has issues figure out, problems to solve, bills to pay - none of which were happening when he was living on his own....and i failed to realize he meant "you pay for me, you give me the luxury of having time to figure out what I want in life". I refused to get the message due to investment in this fantasy when he wouldn't work - and I lost my house, my car to a drunk driver, and quit my job to be closer to him - while he "quit" (aka- fired!) to be able to move in with me, and get to know me better.
I couldn't attribute anything he did to his own needs and motives and desires adn values. I attributed everything he id as if I were a cause or reason for it.
Initially so gratified he couldn't stand not to be with me - I didn't care if he didn't work or not.....but when I couldn't make the bills, and things got tight - I did care, and I couldn't make him "aware" that he needed to get back to the person he was when he met, and the person I thought i was dating.
I'd created this whole fantasy of who he was..and I went so far as to force marriage out of it.......huge mistake, lots of learned lessons, but at some pretty high expenses -and I don't mean financial ones exclusively either.
You've made him into someone he's not - because by alliance iwth what you think he is - you think you're all that.
Won't work - work on th self-esteem - not self-confidence.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hi! Thanks for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry you had to endure all that you have but by hearing it...it helped me even more. Everything you said does make a lot of sense and ya know something...my crush did exhibit a better image while at work. But I also was one of the few people at work to see his flaws too though. Plus we were too much alike for comfort...have too much in common, similiar personalities, families were friends, and both have a bit of a fiery temperment. But lately, I've been experiencing his bad side more...it's good that we didn't become a couple. I can't trust him with all his lies, he does have some bad habits and he's just not worth my time. He blew it! If he would've just told me the truth, we would be friends right now. Like I said in my other posts...I would've handled the rejection but I can't handle all of the lies. It's his loss...he can "cry"(good actor) all he wants but it's not gonna work on me anymore. He's gone...I just have to ignore him at work. Thanks again for your insight. I do appreciate it.
I'm gonna tell you that a guy giving roses to a girl sometime mean NOTHING!
One of my co-workers got a huge arrangement of flowers and a fancy dinner from a guy and left her for another girl soon after that.
Another girl I know got flowers all the time and guy was a total JERK, who left her pregnant and alone.
I once got flowers from this guy who NEVER asked me out.
So sometimes, if a guy gives you flowers its means nothing.
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