Does playing the game actually work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Does playing the game actually work?
4
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 7:05pm

I have always been anti-game playing. If I guy asked me out on Thursday for Saturday, and I was free, I went. I answered his calls if I happen to be available. I just felt like all of the petty games and "rules" were immature and unnecessary -- well, until now that is. Don't get me wrong, I didn't sit around and wait for the phone call.

Now to my story, I was friends with this guy for a about 2 years. I sort of knew that he wanted to be more than friends for at least the last year. I kind of baled on the friendship when I found this out, and only hung out with him once in the last 6 months. He was persistent and called and called, and emailed and emailed. I finally agreed to hang out with him in early February.

The thing is, I was never really attracted to him before until that moment. I told him how I felt and we so we began seeing each other. Now here is where things got confusing. We have seen each other 1-2 times per week since then, with the exception of one weekend. We have just about daily contact via phone, text message, or email. And things seem to be going good.

However two weeks ago, he stopped making plans with me. While he still emailed, the phone calls stopped, etc. I took this to mean, he was blowing me off. I emailed him, asked if we were doing something this past weekend and he said, no, that he wanted to spend the weekend alone, and that he was busy the next few weekends. Red flags went off and I told him that I didn't feel like we were moving in the right direction. He freaked out, starting yelling about how I am pushing for something, that he wanted to take things slowly, and how maybe we weren't meant to be together. I think he over reacted to what I was saying and his reaction made me thing something was up. (we never talked about being exclusive yet, it has only been about 6 or 7 weeks of us being 'more than friends.'

So, after his reaction, I decided, forget him. I am dating other people, I am unvailable when he calls. He said he wanted to be alone last weekend, fine, I made plans with a friend. OF course, he changed his mind and wanted me to do something with him and I said I couldn't because I was having dinner "with a friend." He asked all sorts of questions about who with, where, etc. When I told him that I didn't think it was his place to ask me that, he responded with "why do I feel like you are punishing me for just wanting some space?" I told him that he made it every clear that he wasn't ready for anything serious and that we are not exclusive. Until we are, he doesn't have a right to ask me who I am seeing.

The thing is, I don't want to see anybody else, but I also don't want to sit around and wait for a phone call that may or may not come. I have to say, though, since that comment, he has taken 180 degree turn. The more unavailable I am, the more he calls, the more he schedules plans, etc.

Does this actually work? I feel like I am lying. I did have dinner plans, with my girlfriend. I do have plans this weekend, with my girlfriends. I am not dating anybody else, and I feel like it is a lie to pretend as if I am. I feel a bit pathetic doing it.

But, it seems like the minute I showed an actual interest, he backed off.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 2:46pm

It may work, but do you want the so-called prize? I wouldn't want someone who only pursued me when he thought I was unavailable to him, then backed off when I responded. That doesn't sound healthy to me at all.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 7:25pm

I hate the games myself. There was actually a post on another message board here a month ago talking about when a guy needs space and it came off to me as girls need to understand a man's need for space and if he suddenly disappears just wait for him to call but move on with your life in the meantime and then, when he misses you, he'll call again, blah, blah, blah. But don't ever make him feel that he's lost freedom because, after all, he's a man.

This doesn't work for me. I am a very straight forward person. I believe in communication. If I feel something is wrong I will ask questions. If a guy needed some space because he's been ignoring his friends and family for me or work's been really tough I am very cool with that. Of course they have to tell me because I hate when they play the silence game and expect us to guess or consult a crystal ball for what's going on. But a guy who needs space after only six weeks because you're getting too close, serious, whatever... what is up with that? I always have to ask "Don't you want me to like you"?

I would push for the not being exclusive if you're going to pick up with him again. He can't keep you at a distance and expect you to sit at home waiting for him and his space. Now I know you're not dating anyone else at this point, but I don't consider it a lie because you could run into someone tomorrow that you want to date. It's nice to have that option.

But I will tell you that I think this guy sounds a little jealous. You probably want to watch out for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 11:44am

I wouldn't call what you are doing - going about your business and living life - playing games. Playing gmes is about pretense and manipultion - you pretend to be unavailable in order to get him to pay more attention. BEING unavailable because you have a full life is not playing games.

It does seem that he's a bit ambivalent - and in my dating experience, those situations never turned out well. I want a man who knows he wants to be with me - not someone I have to chase or otherwise convince to spend time with me.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 11:18pm

What I loved about your post was that when you did the right thing by moving on with your weekend and made plans, all of a sudden he made you responsible for his bad move with that ridiculous statement about "punishing" him. If he is this flighty about whether or not he wants "in" then let him go. He may be playing games just to see how much you care, but that is immature.

The fact that he is responding to what he already believes in game playing on your part should be a red flag that he is not really engaging with you, your emotions, he is engaging with someone who is a fellow game player.

But if you really dig him, then go for it.