Does sex mean anything anymore?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Does sex mean anything anymore?!
44
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 4:32pm
I have read so many posts recently where people talk about having sex with people that they aren't in a relationship with. Does anybody ever fall in love before they have sex anymore? I guess I'm really old fashioned, I have never had sex with someone that A)I wasn't in a relationship with or B) that I didn't love...I just don't understand why people would even consider having a friends w/ benefits situation or have sex with someone they barely know. It seems that sex doesn't mean anything to anybody anymore and it's not taken very seriously. Don't get me wrong I enjoy sex, but to me there is alot more to a relationship than sex. I was just wondering if I'm the only person that feels this way?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 5:32pm
I posted here today a question about FWB.

I value sex in a relationship and made with love, of course I can distinguish things. But I also love sex, and I'm not willing to wait falling in love to finallyyyyy have sex in my life!!! That can only happens in 5 years from now, I don't know!!!

Will I spend 5 years without sex just because I'm not in love or in a serious relationship with someone? I don't think so....

I use to think like you, then I open my eyes and realised that life it's too be lived as we wish, not from stablished patterns. I just think people should do what suits them better. My question was not about having sex with someone without a relationship, I don't even consider that a question, was only because of I'm afraid of hurting his feelings.

Sex with love is much, much better, but I don't give up doing it in other way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 3:29pm
fiddlinchick...

Pianoguy is 100% in agreement with you about being in love and/or in a relationship with someone before having SEX. Unfortunately, messiegirl's 1st response clearly indicates the trend that's going on at the moment. The sexual encounter seems to matter much more than the person you're having it with!!!

While you didn't post a profile on yourself, it sounds like your values are pretty solid! So perhaps you need to find is a man who shares these values...along with other similar interests?

On a temporary basis...maybe it's wonderful to 'give in' to a wild night of passion? But what happens the next morning when the two of you are in bed together...and have nothing to say to each other? Emotionally it's an awkward situation and down the line, it could make an impact on at least one partner.

FWB might work temporarily for a lot of people...but isn't this also an excuse to END A RELATIONSHIP before it has a chance to develop?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 5:32pm
I'd suspect that they would wake up and have fabulous morning sex!

Okay just kidding.

Anyhow, I do believe that all people need to do what is best for themselves, who am I to judge someone elses choices in life. I don't sleep with anyone I don't have a deep connection too, and I can count the numbers of partners I've had on one hand. However I do have a FWB have had it for 4 years, I love him and he loves me, but we do not have a "romantic" relationship as in we are not a "couple" to the outside world. We are to each other, we talk on the phone, email, giggle, laugh, have a fabulous time we fight etc and are sexually monogomous. Does that mean we shouldn't have sex? Does that make me "loose" I tend not to agree with it because a lot of people **IN** relationships wish they had the closeness, intimacy and connection that he and I have. Just because its not tied up in a neat little box doesn't make it any "less".

I myself have NEVER had a one night stand, it doesn't interest me at all. But I don't judge people that do.

Sharing intimacy and sexual contact with someone you love is fabulous I agree 100%!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 6:32pm
For some people, it is not about the sex act itself. It's about what they believe they are getting when they have sex, like intimacy, love, attention, validation.

I have heard many times that women (in general) have sex to get love, men (in general) give love to have sex.

In the past I have had sex to get love. The sex act itself wasn't even that great, but it was, for a very very short while, great to believe that I was getting somewhere with a guy because we had sex.

That doesn't work. The guys in my case were getting what they wanted and when they were done, they told me, or I told them because it dawned on me that our relationships were all about sex. Either way, in the end I felt cheated and hurt, because I got emotionally attached and had expectations of the future.

So I decided to try things differently, to spend some time getting to know the guy, then decide if I want to have sex. Let my head rule over my hormones for a change. I don't have an issue with sex before marriage. I do have an issue with using sex to get something else.

Often that something else is not what people wish for (rejection, pain, or worse yet, an unwanted pregnancy, an STD).

Sex early on in a relationship is often a great way to kill any chances of a relationship developing over time, although that's not always the case... I have a friend who had sex with her partner early on and they are getting married this fall. My experiences indicate that it's better for me to give it time before diving in.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 8:26pm
I have read a lot of posts that want the FWB thing. All too often, the woman starts to have feelings for the guy and it becomes more of a heartbreak when her feelings aren't reciprocated.

Sex can be used as a way to find release from the cares of the day and is considered recreational sex, but to my way of thinking and feeling, I would want to use sex in a personal bond with someone I love. I think you make it dirty when you have sex with just anyone and anybody.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 8:36pm
Sally you say you have a FWB relationship with a friend. Then you go on to say, "I love him and he loves me." Apparently you love each other, but are not interested in getting married. I would say it is not a FWB thing when you love each other.

I'm glad that you found someone to love and have sex with.

As far as other people having recreational sex, that is their choice and they have the right to have their choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 9:07pm
I just want to say that I am not an example of how things are nowdays!!

There are women out there offering herselves to any man they like, just to have sex in order just to get sex and nothing else!! This is probably the example of nowdays!!! I'm not doing that!

I value to know a man before having sex with him, if I consider to have a relationship with him. But, there are men you simply know you don't like for a relationship, but the physical atraction is so strong, you decide to go ahead and just enjoy the sex part. After all, you're not dead till you find the right guy!!!

I don't believe in having sex to get love or to give love to get sex, these two are manipulation!!! I just believe in two adult people who decide to have sex for the pleasure of it. That not make you dirty, probably cheating, being an hypocritical person, hurting people, and so on, this is dirty!!! I just have a more open mind about it that I have a few years ago, but I still value sex in a relationship where there is love, that is the so called "making love". But the two are different things, and men know how to distinguish it very well, maybe some women should start doing too, perhaps they will also learn to distinguish the men better.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 9:57pm
You can love a friend, we are friends first and foremost, if the sex wasn't there we would still talk and call each other, we just wouldn't be having sexual intercourse. Yes we love each other but we aren't in a "relationship" I see him maybe once or twice a month that's all. If I meet someone that I want to date, our "sexual" relationship stops and vice versa. Only once in the four years did I meet someone that I really clicked with and my FWB and I ceased for the time I was with someone else.

There is a difference between caring and loving someone and being in "romantic love" with someone and also, circumstances do not permit us to be together as a couple so we aren't, we are just friends that enjoy having a sexual relationship.


Edited 7/10/2004 10:02 pm ET ET by sniffle_sally

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 11:46pm
I dont think people care anymore. I see it as women abuse this more than men. Women tend to be alot more promiscuous then men. A man will not accept the past of a women if she is a slut even though she may have changed. A man wants a good women to raise his kids, not a slut. Women sleep around because in their minds, it convinces them, that they are being wanted and loved, but not know that the guy is using them for his satisfaction. The guy does not care, that is why alot of times, the guy never calls after he has a ONS. The women gets upset, because he hasnt called, so she'll start calling him to figure out what is going on. Women treat their private like its gold, but then toss it to every guy in the bar and club scenes. These type of women are nothing but trouble. They have no self control, no stability, no respect and that fact that they cant trust themselves, and NO MAN will accept this behavior, but women tend to forgive more and tolerate it just a little bit more than a man does. Then she gets cheated on, and goes out and has sex some stranger for that feeling of being loved and wanted, which is now an empty void in their lives

Women say the best sex is when they are in love? I have yet to see this. Women will just sleep around. ITs easier for a women to get laid than a man. The man has to work for it. The women does it, that's why it is easier for her, therefore making her a slut

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 3:05am
I honestly believe that love and sex are mutually exclusive. Each can make the other better, but you can have one without the other.

I was involved in a long term relationship (extremely dysfunctional) in which we did not have sex but once a year or so...maybe. It was terribly unfulfilling, but I did know that he loved me...just not physically.

I've had the best sex of my life with guys that I do not love. I'll step up here and admit that I have had one night stands...I've also had quasi-relationships with guys that are based mostly on sex. It's not my ideal situation, but in certain circumstances (say if a woman is recovering from a seriously emotionally and self image damaging relationship) it is an acceptable situation. I don't consider myself to be promiscuous, although there are some men in my past that I'd rather not think about. I have made some bad choices, but ultimately everything I've done has contributed to making me who I am today...and she is someone who is very happy and is loved by someone (who actually enjoys sleeping with her).

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