does your past reflect on who you are?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
does your past reflect on who you are?
2
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:20am
just wondering...
do you guys think that is necessary to respond to a guy you are getting to know for almost 5 months now...just as friends...obviously the person has dated others while keeping contact with each other (but chemistry is there, therefore decided to do something about it and start something fresh), but now that this couple is starting something fresh this guy insist in questioning about the girls past relationships..
this guy keeps insisting in knowing such things, his a guy my friend is starting to date once again.
it seems to me as if they are both stubborn. she doesnt want to tell him anything about her past because she feels embarrass about certain things, and he feels a NEED to know.
What do you guys think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 4:16pm
What I think is that when you grow into a mature adult, you can realize and accept that every single person on earth has a past. Everyone has lived a life up until the time they met you, including you. Unless there is a crime, drug use, a child, an STD or something significant of that nature in someone's past, I feel it is counter-productive to the relationship to insist on knowing every detail of another person's relationships or their past. Someone who NEEDS to know and keep track of their SO's every move is an unhealthy, manipulative control freak. That's what I think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 4:23pm

My ex once drove me to tears in his demands to know about my past relationships. It was his way of seeing if I really cared about the number of men I'd dated. Even though the number wasn't large, he wanted me to feel ashamed about it. It was my ability to feel shame that made me acceptable to him.

Anyone who NEEDS to know about another person's past like that is probably looking for a way to control or manipulate that other person.

I am not closed to discussing my past, but I would only do it when I felt free to volunteer the information. Given what I know now, I really wouldn't volunteer too much anyway. If you love me, you love who I am now. Take me as I am, or not at all.