Don't know what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Don't know what to do....
7
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 10:25pm

I met a guy online about 2 years ago. Right away I fell for him and we dated over a period of about 4 months. He ended up getting back together with an ex and we lost touch. I was hurt but I moved on and dated others. Last January we both happened to be logged into the site we met on and he sent me a message. Ever since we've been getting together from time to time. We live about 40 minutes away from each other, he picks me up and I usually spend a night or two up at his place.

He's the kind of guy I've always wanted and I'm head over heels in love with him. I've never told him and I'm sure he has no idea how I feel. We are pretty open with each other in all other respects and I've told him things I've never told anyone else.

The problem comes in where I know we'll never be together in the way I want to be together. I know he'll never feel the same way about me as I do him. I know this because he continues to go online and seek out new dates, doesn't go on many but should the opportunity arise, I'm sure he'd follow through...

I'd just like some input here...be easy on me though, I've tried to let it go, but will never consider telling him how and its tearing me up inside.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 10:49pm
He may still not be over his ex. And he may be guarded so he doesn't get hurt like that ever again. He may be just trying to play the field for awhile and what better way to do than on a dating website? This is no reflection on you, he doesn't sound ready to get back into a one on one relationship so soon. I have broken up with many guys of my dreams, but looking back, I know that if I had married them it wouldn't have worked and I wouldn't have felt they were right for me. If I were you, I'd get out there and date some more. I'm sure you'll find another dream guy who's on the same page as you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 10:56pm

If you're looking for long-term and a future with a man, he doesn't seem to fit the bill. If you've been dating on and off for the past 2 years, and he's still dating other women, then no, he's not interested in something more with you. He sounds perfectly happy to be this way with you, and you telling him how you're madly in love with him would probably be the end of the whole dating scenario with him altogether.

I know it's hard, but you'll have to talk with him and tell him how you feel. If he's open to the idea, then great, and you two can move forward- but most likely he won't be and he'll start with the, "I've been hurt in the past... I'm not ready for something serious... I need some space..." garbage. Either way you'd know where you stand and can go from there.

But be prepared that you will be ending things and starting over. And if that's the case, then he doesn't deserve you, and you'll find someone who will treat you like a queen and will be so happy that he is with YOU and only YOU! One that will truly appreciate all you have to offer and count his blessings that he's able to be with you!

Don't wait around anymore not knowing.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 11:02pm
Thanks...part of me thinks he's still hung up on his ex too. I know that's not my fault and there's nothing I can do about it. I do/have dated throughout all this but my heart isn't in it. About a month ago I met a really decent guy who was very interested in me...I told him I wasn't ready for something long-term...its not fair of me to do that to guys who may be interested if I'm not into it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 11:06pm

Alison, I can't tell him. In fact, I haven't been able to tell anyone about it not even my closest friends....I can't start with him. I've tried so hard to just be friends and keep it casual but there's no use. I know things would change if I told him. We'd go from being open to being awkward....that would hurt even more I think....

Sometimes I wish he would just hurry up and find someone and then this whole thing would take care of itself and I could just hurt and get on with it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 11:20pm

Why sit around for him to make a decision or to find someone else? Why give him the power?

If you want something, speak up. There's no point letting it drag on "until he finds someone else", you have to take charge here and let him know how you feel. And if he's not on the same page, then you know and you move on. And then you'll find someone truly amazing, the one you didn't give a chance to because you were all wrapped up in Mr. Lost Cause.

Stop being delusional that he's not over his ex- they haven't been together for 2 years and he's out there dating other women. I could see if he wasn't dating any, but he's not, he's dating you and whoever else. To me that is NOT a man who doesn't want to be with a woman because he's not over his ex. To me, that is a guy who doesn't want to commit to one woman and is more than happy to string along a woman for 2 years because she won't speak up and demand more.

Is there not two people in this relationship?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 10:12am

Wow alison, did you even read my post or were you too blinded by your own bitterness to really understand what I'm saying?

He and his ex got back together about 4 months after we met and broke up for good last summer so yeah, its possible that he is still hung up on her. He has said that she screwed him up more than anything. Yes he dates other women, but its usually once or twice and he moves on for one reason or another, its never anything serious. We are very open and close to each other he tells me when he's going to see someone. We talk almost every day. Up to this point, I have been his "buddy". Only now it hurts to think of him with someone else cuz I want that someone else to be me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 11:24am
The point still remains that you do need to tell him what you are feeling but when you do, you should be prepared to lose him over it. I hate the stupid coined phrase, but "he's just not that into you" because if he was even if he wasn't over the ex, he'd find a way to be with you. He's not emotionally ready to be with you or anyone else right now which is what makes him "not that into you". In the meantime, you are closing yourself off from other guys because you are so focused on this one that for the time being is unattainable. Maybe somewhere down the line he'll get his stuff together and be ready to be in a relationship. Maybe that relationship will be with you, maybe not. But you owe it to yourself to make an attempt to leave this behind and find a healthy relationship with someone that will love you wholly and not just offer FWB. It will probably mean making a clean break with this guy until you can get over your feelings for him. But the longer you continue to hold out hope that something will happen when it most likely won't, the longer you go on in a hopeless situation that will do nothing but hurt you even more. You say it isn't fair to the other guys because your heart isn't in it. Well, it isn't fair to YOU because your heart can't be in it because you are in love with a man who will probably never feel the same about you. Make a break with this guy and move on to someone who is ready to be with you now.

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