don't know what to do
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| Mon, 07-26-2004 - 10:05pm |
Right now, I am in my own little hell. My counselor urges me to face my health/medical problems and stop avoiding them. I dont want to since it involves neck surgery which is risky and dangerous and will put me out of commission for at least two months, something I DONT WANT. I like to always be doing something, whether it being driving my bf around, working at the Renaissance Fair (which the doc thinks I should NOT do since standing on my feet for at least 8 hours a day is adding to my neck and back problems), running around trying to make my friends happy, etc.
I guess what I am asking you guys all is how to stop having a rescuer personality? How do I stop feeling that way. Case in point, I am still with the guy that I was talking about in my past few posts. Things are great with him since he treats me so well, cares about me, and includes me in stuff, and even in doing stuff with his friends. I really want this relationship to work out, but there are so much obstacles. Lately, there have been problems with his parents, not with me and them per se, or really with him and them. His dad was suffering from depression a few years back and had to be hospitalized and now his depression is coming back and he is going through some weird spells that I witnessed too. I feel sorry for my bf for being stuck in the position. Case in point, this past Friday, he usually takes the train down to me so I dont have to pick him up two hours away. He called me and told me that he left his computer at home and if I could pick him up at home since he needed it. He also told me that his dad's weird, psychotic behaviors were keeping everybody on edge at his house. I feel bad for him and I tried to make the weekend nice for him. I really want him to feel good about himself and all that since he seems to get pissed on a lot by his parents, people he works with, society itself, and sometimes even his friends.
I feel so bad for him and I want him to do well. I care about him to the point that I am ignoring my own health problems. I know that isnt good but I dont want to deal with it. Right now, this upcoming weekend, my friends and I are going apt hunting. I am going to move away from where I live right now, to somewhere closer to him where he can stay with me and take the train to work if he wanted to. Yes, I am putting myself at a disadvantage since I am going to have to drive about an hour to work instead of the fifteen minutes it takes me now. I want to slowly move him in with me and get him comfortable with me. I know he loves me and he is happy about me moving closer to him. I just want him to be happy and to succed and I want to help him. I want him to have a place where he can go if things get too rough at home. I really do care and love this boy.
I dont know why I feel this way. I am glad I am seeing my therapist this week. I feel lost and helpless, something I dont like to feel. I want so much to make his life better at the sacrifice of my own life and I dont know why I feel like this. Right now, I feel like crying since I cant talk to him. I called over to his house and his mom said that they were having some emergency and he would call me back later. She would not even let him talk to me. I think it does have something to do with his dad. I feel bad for him to be stuck in a situation like that where his dad is having medical/emotional problems. I want him to have a good life where he doesnt have to be worried about stuff like this, people picking on him at work, and in life in general. He has been crapped on and pissed on all his life and I want to make his life better.
Right now I feel sad and helpless and I miss him.
And yes, this makes me more determined than ever to move down closer to him.
Help me stop feeling this way.

I don't see this relationship being a healthy one for you. You need to get surgery done for yourself or guess what? You're not going to be able to move to do anything for ANYBODY including YOURSELF! Stop being this guy's mother, stop trying to save the world from itself.
You like to take people with less options, education, opportunities, self-responsibility, and in positions of negativity and try to "fix" their lives for them - so that they will like yuo for doing that.
You're now ignoring your health, disadvantaging your health nd situation with a move - so that you'll be closer to him and won't have to drive him everywhere.
What I'm going to say is ging to be considered "wrong" in every regard...but it's just how it is.
You can't change your behavior by doing whatever you "feel" like ding. You're "programmed wrong" - in terms of how you think, reason, and how you emotionally associate and perceive situations. Quite frankly, you'd have to do what put you on edge emotionally at all times - to be ding the "right thing"in terms of gleaning a successful result.
In light of the fact that you're not wanting to make chnage - just get your situation to change - that is easily done. Actions change situations.
I'd suggest that you offer your boyfriend a permanent residence with you at your expense. I know that you say you've done it before and he's refused - but he's wearing out his welcome with his parents and might take you up on the offer now, or in the immdiately future.
So that I'm perfectly clear - I'msaying that YOU pay the bills, do the laundry, the driving, teh cooking and cleaning, YOU drive him back and forth to his minimal job, and to the fairs, etc. and you let him have his friends in to eat or party or whatever it is - without complaint. BAsically - whatever he wants to do - you facilitate it - including a 3-some. And whatever he wants - you procure it for him.
Becuase THAT extreme immersion in your "rescuing personality" will bankrupt you, it'll cause him eventually to leave you when you cannot up the benfits and perks to him, and that MIGHT cause you to address your issues, from a hospital bed, where you'll be not for neck surgery but for a nervous breakdown, quite likely being there on community funding because you'll have bankrupted yourself trying to keep him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
As for my bf, he tries to be there for me as much as he can. He listens to me, does small kind things for me and is affectionate with me. I just wish he would not be so sad about things.
A lot of people, including my therapist, dont think he and I are right for each other. A lot of that has to do with the fact that we have differing goals and also we have different groups we hang out with. If I stay with him, I have to give up a lot.
I dont know what to do. I feel so sorry for him a lot of times. His parents really put him down and treat him like a little kid and so does his boss. A lot of times, the way he dresses and the way he acts is like a little kid.
I am afraid to let him go, because this is the only guy I have ever met that has treated me nice and actually taken the time to listen and be there for me. Also, his parents accept me and take me into their fold and include me in their family things.
I am really a lonely, unhappy woman.