Don't know what to do - love advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Don't know what to do - love advice!!
9
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:47pm
Hello,

So I currently have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We met in university and really hit it off fast. (we're both 20 right now). Anyway, after about 6 months we started talking about marriage which at first I thought was so exciting but a couple of months ago I realized that I'm not ready to make that kind of decision yet and that I really haven't had much dating experience to know for sure that he's THE ONE (he's my second long term relationship). So we talked about it and decided to take things slower and just be friends for a while (and see other people if we wished). So we were just hanging out a couple of days after this decision and one thing led to another and...well, I guess it's pretty safe to say we're back together again. Anyway, like he's an amazing guy and we've never really fought or anything like that, but another part of me wants to date some other guys, just to see what else is out there. Like I said I've only had one other long-term boyfriend so it's hard to say that this is it and not really experience more. Sooo.....(sorry this is turning into a super long post), there's this guy at the gym I go to who I've been talking to for about 5 months now, he's always been really friendly (and even gave me his old leather couch for free when I moved into my new appartment!! :) ) who I've sorta started to become interested in. He's got a lot of qualities that I look for in a guy, some that my boyfriend doesn't have and part of me sorta wonders what it might be like with him. Anyway, today it sounded like he might ask me out, but then it didn't really happen, partly because I didn't really jump at the chance, but that's because I was unsure what to do. Do you think I should go out with him (one of the things I did tell my boyfriend was that I wish I had more dating experience and he was totally understanding about that and said he was alright with me dating other guys for a bit - however that's when we had the temporary break-up, so i'm not sure how he'd feel about it now). Part of me really wants to go after this other guy though because who knows, he could actually be better suited to me and I would never really know, on the other hand though, my current boyfriend is really good to me and it's not like I have a reason to look somewhere else, but the curious part of me still wonders...

what do you think I should do? I just wish I would have met my boyfriend 3 or 4 years later after I had more dating experience....

Any thoughts would be great! (and sorry I took up like an hour of your time reading this post!! haha).

Thanks!

BerryBlis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:24pm
You're TWENTY...you're ENTITLED to get out there and live it up...you should pursue different men and interests...it's a way to learn more about yourself and life...your needs from men are going to change as you finish school, get your own apartment, start your career...it's an exciting time for you...don't be scared. You owe it to this really nice guy to break up with him and keep your distance...don't be playing with his heart.
Avatar for kathy481
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:42pm
Take it from someone that got married at 19 and was divorced 2 years later. Have fun now, explore, meet new people, make friends and just enjoy your life. It sounds like you know exactly what to do, but just need some reassurance. Personally, I would tell your "boyfriend" that you need some time to do stuff on your own and go out on a date with this guy you are interested in.

There is no better time to do this than now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 12:15am
Thanks so much for your guys advice. It's good someone understands. I was afraid people would be like...your gonna cheat...that's so wrong of you. But that's exactly how I feel, like i'm only 20, I NEED to experience more things before I get married. But the problem I have is my boyfriend is a really great guy and treats me really well. Part of me just wonderings what else is out there. I want to date around a bit but at the same time don't want to loose my boyfriend...I wish I could have both (yah, right, in some dream world...haha). How do you think I should go about explaining all of this to my boyfriend?

Also, another issue I've sorta been dealing with is that since I've moved out (it was my parents house and now I'm renting my own apartment) my boyfriend has been talking about what it would be like to live together. But deep down I really don't want him here all the time. This in itself doesn't really seem like a good sign to me...like if I really loved him would I want to be around him all the time?

Thanks again!

Berryblis

Avatar for kathy481
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 12:31am
If this is how you are feeling now, it WILL get a hundred times worse if you move in or marry this guy, no matter how great he is. The idea of "missing" this special time in your life will haunt, there will always be that "what if".

It's great that he is really nice but is that reason enough to guilt yourself to stay with him, if you want something else? There is nothing wrong with wanting something else in life, especially now in your life. You change so much in your 20s, it is unbelievable when you look back. What you think you want out of life right now, will be totally different in the next couple of years.

I got married because I met a great, nice guy at 19 and I thought (twisted, I know) I have to marry him becuase I will never find any one that loves me like he does. Bulls***. Looking back I had all the same doubts and anxiety you did, but I just buried it deep. However, it was something that always bugged me and that ultimately (along with other things) led to the end of the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 12:39pm
Hello,

Yes, that's exactly it. I'm so scared that if I brake up with him I'll never find a guy who would treat me as well. But the reality of it is that I've only dated one other guy (in a serious relationship) so how can I think that?!? There's also been lots of things that I see that sort of clash between us and now that we're past that "honeymoon" phase of the relationship, I think I've become a little bit bored. In your experiences, how does your relationship change once you've moved on from the honeymoon phase? (my other relationship ended after 6 months so I don't think we really got that far). On sort of a more personal topic, I've been having a problem being interested in sex with him lately. It's not that i'm not interested in sex period, because the thought of it with that other guy has crossed my mind, and he is good at what he does...but I dunno, i just doesn't seem to excite me anymore or something. It's going to break his heart though if I break up with him...

Thanks for listening!

BerryBlis

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 6:10pm

It's going to hurt him more if you remain his girlfriend and start "cheating."

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 3:51am
your boyfriend sounds very understanding so just tell him that one night was a mistake and you still want to take it slow and date other guys. then you'll be free to go after the gym guy! you definitely need to get out there and date other people! i know from experience! i am 31 years old now but i got married at the age of 21 to my one and only serious boyfriend i had ever had! after about 3-4 years of marriage, i was so itching to get out and do the things i did not get the chance to do before marriage! needless to say this put a big strain on my marriage. you need to get out there and experience life!!

good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 5:48pm
Hello,

You guys are all so right. I know what I need to do it's just a matter of doing it. I'm way to young to decide already who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm just about to graduate from college and have just moved out of my parents house. My life is going to change so much in the next while, it's so hard to say if we'll even be the same people 4 years down the road.

Thanks so much for all of your guys' advice. Even though I sorta knew all along what I needed to do, hearing it from other peoples perpectives (and from their own experience) really makes me feel better! Thanks again!!

BerryBlis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 11:07pm
I was like you, that's why I'm telling you to get out of this relationship and live a lot...I married my college sweetheart and all the while I was feeling like you, but everyone kept telling me what a great guy he was and that I couldn't do better...well in the end HE cheated because he had never played around...he broke my heart, but I got over it and now I'm engaged to someone who's even better for me. When we were young we met each other's needs, but then not so much...the man I'm with now suits me so much better. Just because someone is a good fit once, doesn't mean that he's forever a good fit.

I think that you essentially have no where to go...you have to tell your guy that you made a huge mistake...you mistook missing him for wanting to be with him. You're going to hurt him again...better now, than to lie to him and pretend things are great and waste another day of his life. (and yours)