Don't know what to think
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:39am |
Hi,
like many of your questions mine is in regards to online dating. I met someone about 2-3 weeks ago and we hit it off right away. Since then we have spoken pretty much every day, we have spent a weekend together, have gone out quite a few times actually. We haven't been "fully" intimate yet and I have already told him that unless we are exclusive it's not happening. I have been told by him that it's not his style to date more than one person at a time. He told me he thinks are going well between us and he isn't looking to go on a date with someone else. However, I have noticed he goes online everyday a few time a day. How do I know this? Because after we met I didn't even bother to go online but suddenly wondered if he did. So I checked... is it too soon for me to even be concerned about it? Do I trust his words? Do I confront him?

Pages
Which site is the profile on? On some sites, you can continue to see his profile even if he's hidden it, because you already have a link to it from your emailing each other.
I'm not sure what "damage control" you need to do. If he's lying about taking down his profile, then no amount of damage control is going to change that!
Did the two of you agree to be exclusive, is that how the topic came up?
Sheri
Hey Sheri!
We met on Plenty of Fish. It shows he was online today...
We went downtown on Saturday afternoon and a nice time. Driving back I said I wanted to ask him something. It took me forever to ask the question. I basically asked him why his profile is still up if he is notlooking to date anyone else. He said that after the first couple of times we went out everything was good and he wanted to see how things went. Then he asked me why mine was still up and I told him mainly because his was. I explained after we went out I didn't go online for a few days. Then wondered if he had and saw he did so I decided I should be still on too. Saturday he did say he didn't have aproblem taking down his profile. I told him I didn't want him too "becausse I was making him" that it had to be his decision. I also made it clear that sex wouldn't happen until we were exclusive.
He is a cop and is on the anti-terrorist team and was involved with the arrests of suspected terrorists on the weekend. Of course this happened when we were supposed to get together (sunday). He asked me Friday night if it was ok that he help put a friend at a stag and doe even though we had plans to be togehter. I said of course. We spoke very briefly last night while he was working. Today he messaged me very quickly on MSN but I was in a meeting and missed him. All it said was "are you there?" I sent him an email saying I just missed him. He replie dback saing he was working this afternoon and would call me when he's settled. I guess I feel like now that I have said something AND he obviously doesn't want tot ake down his profile that I'm pushinghin away or scaring him away.......
Uh, if he's lying about taking down his profile, then pushing a guy who would lie to you away is a bad thing...why, exactly????
I'd give it a few more days but if it doesn't come down, move on. You could wait until you reach the point of discussing exclusivity in more detail and then bring it up again, but honestly, I think a guy who would SAY that and then not DO what he said isn't to be trusted.
I'm not familiar with how POF works, but you could try seeing if you don't log in, does his profile still come up in a search?
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
it does show up if I am not logged in. I took my profile down - not entirely because of him but because I was getting tired of the freaks and ridiculous emails I was getting. HE doesn't seem to be the player type but then again what do I know....
My girlfriends have said the same thing, give it a few days. If it doesn't come down do I even bother saying anything to him or just totally brush him off?
I am very much a black and white person and don't like any grey. More than being angry I am frustrated - just give me a straight answer and we'll move on.
Thanks Sheri
Ok, then...so it's not showing up just because of the way the site works then, it's showing up because it's still up!
I don't think saying anything is going to help...he'll just make an excuse, probably. I'd just say something along the lines of, after thinking about it you don't think the two of you are a good match after all.
And I've found the best players are the ones who don't seem to be, unfortunately. That's how they fool you. I'm not saying that this guy *is* for sure...but it's not looking good, I'm afraid.
But even if he's not a "player", per se, you've learned that he doesn't believe in consistent words and actions. That's important to me, and it sounds like it's important to you, too.
Sheri
I'm sure my replies are being posted.....
I will wait and see what happens how he acts. But if he was online today and didn't delete is today whi would he tomorrow or the next day? Maybe I should make myslef scarce for a while - because now I am sure he thinks he has me captivated with and that I would do anything....
Thanks for your advice.
Maybe he was deleting it today, and it takes some time to process...but I guess you'd know if it takes effect immediately, since you deleted your own profile. The other thing that occurs to me is that some sites make it difficult if not impossible to delete your profile...they keep asking you if you want to and unless you click every single choice correctly, it won't delete. Is that the case with POF?
But in any event, how will making yourself scarce affect whether he's honest or not? Sorry, I'm not seeing the correlation...
Sheri
It was pretty immediate from deleting your profile but I have tos ay finding HOW to delete takes some searching.
Well, if I make myself scare maybe I will be able to get a sense if he is really interested. If he makes an effort to see me etc. We haven't had sex so he can't be hanging around for that...
Well, then maybe that's it--he hasn't had time to figure it out yet. So maybe he'll ask you how to do it...or he'll figure it out when he has more time (since you said he's really busy--he may have just had a minute to go onto the site and try to figure it out today).
BUT, if he's just blowing smoke about taking it down, the fact that he's "interested" wouldn't transform him into someone who's honest and who does what he says he's going to do. All you'd have would be an interested but dishonest guy.
Sheri
Pages