Dont' know where I stand

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Dont' know where I stand
3
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 4:19pm
So I have been dating this guy for 2 and a half months. After the one and a half month I ended up asking him what we were and he said that he's hesitant about being boyfriend and girlfriend because it's so fast and it was so new and he kind of freaked out on me one night saying that because he had such a crazy work schedule coming up (6 days a week sometimes up to 14 hours and might be leaving for a 3 month period on a project) he felt we were going too much too fast ( we were together like 5 days a week)...when he freaked out he said he throws out the baby with the bathwater sometimes and that's him.....after a couple of days he wanted me back and we agreed we would just date. He's been treating me wonderfully and has been carving out lots of time for me at least 3 times a week even though he's busy. Hes introduced me to all his friends and everything has been great but I am scared his feelings aren't genuine because he turned on me so fast once so today I asked him what we are because there's freedom in knowing one way or another. I said he could either be my boytoy we have fun and that's it or he can be my future boyfriend. He said he wants one day to be my boyfriend but he's afraid how I will react when his schedule is crazy and he's working so much he can't have time for a relationship. To that I told him he has to have faith in me and he kissed me and said he's never had this talk with any girl he's dated and I'm the only one who wants things so defined. Pretty much he asked me to be patient and he says these things just happen you can't force it to happen but I'm thinking after 2 and a half months we should be working towards something or not. I'm like how long do I have to wait for the title? Is it that important so long as he is treating me well? I asked him if he's seeing anyone else and he says he's not and I told him that if I'm just dating then I am at liberty to date others. To that he said it was my choice and that I will have to suffer the consequences but that hes not dating anyone else. I don't kmow if he means at the momment he's not or if he means he won't at all. Should I push further? Am I over reacting? Please help. My gutt is afraid he's waiting for bigger and better and I feel like I should pull back a bit. He has a dinner party tonight for is friend and last night he didn't really bother to invite me until his friends were talking about it earlier and then he was like I thought you had plans on Saturday and I said no to which he invited me then. I don't know what to think. Please help and thanks. what to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 1:00pm
Since he's "the one not sure" about the whole deal, I'd date others in your place. He seems to be trying to intimidate you with his comments on "it's your choice if you date others and suffer the consequences"...what consequences??? He's not even dating you seriously. He seems to be hving a good time with you hanging out and possible havinbg sex and that's it. Don't be afraid of going out witn others, as his actions indicate that you're only his girltoy and NOT a gf. The being busy crazy at work and such is a load of crap just to keep you where he wants you, available to him at any moment in time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 1:38pm

You don't want to push this man. He has been completely honest with you and if you don't like what he has said to you then you need to make the decision that is right for you. Right now he said he doesn't want g/f-b/f relationship with you. Why is it so important to define it now? You push this man too hard and you won't have anything.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:16am
I have to agree with Fluffy on this. I think I know where you're coming from, but I think we all need to keep in mind that people change. I've read where a lot of people thought the real personality of the person they were dating came out after four months. I don't know if you're sexually intimate or not, because for me that changes everything. I want commitment or forget it. However, the process of getting to know someone really shouldn't be about sex, IMO. Ofcourse, there needs to be chemistry, but compatibility is based on shared interests and values. Sex is just about bodies, any body can do. It takes time to learn whether there is compatibility or not, especially for a long-term relationship. My advice would be to take a deep breath, step back from the relationship probably. Five days a week together can produce a lot of dependence on that particular person for companionship, social interaction, etc. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to lose something you'd grown to count on. I think it's important to diversify, not necessarily date others, but try to keep perspective on the relationship. When people jump in, they're usually in for a lot of nasty little surprises. I speak from experience. It sounds like this guy is being wise and honest with you, but I only know what you've written. I think bottom line is that you need to go with your gut instincts. Good luck!