Don't Start Something You Can't Finish?
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| Wed, 01-17-2007 - 7:26am |
Hi, Really hoping someone can give me an outside perspective on a dilemma.
I returned from travelling at the end of November, and depressed at the thought of coming back to no job, no boyfriend and the cold Winter, I booked a flight to Australia soon afterwards. The plan was to fly at the end of February and work and travel, returning in October; to finally get all the travel bug out of my system.
Then fate or cupid just threw something into the picture and I met someone. I started a part-time job and really, really hit it off with a man in a different department. We have been dating for about 6 weeks now and it's going very well. He knows nothing about my flight, and now I don't know what to do.
It's a flexible ticket so I can change the outbound and return dates to whatever I want, so I had considered postponing the trip to see where things were going. Or I could cut it short, or I could invite him to come with me, or I could go and hope that we could pick up where we left off...hmm..
I feel bad because I haven't told him the truth. If I had, he might have seen it as "well what's the point of this date if you're leaving the country soon??" Plus I never expected it to be this good. He makes me very happy and I don't want to lose a chance of something good. My other idea was to pretend I had been offered a short internship or something, (I did apply for a job in Sydney last year) which would cover my reason for going at short notice. I would feel bad turning around now and going 'By the way, I'm leaving the country soon, didn't I mention?'
Truth be told, the thought of him being 'the one that got away' makes my heart sink, I don't want that. Any ideas how I can get around this? Thank You

Hey there
Tell him before I met you I wanted to explore the world and I got a ticket to Sydney and I would love for you to come with me or I hope this doesn't change anything and we can continue to see each other after I come back for I feel that you are a great man and hate to have you to be the one that got away be honset with him and go from there
Good Luck 2 U
I don't get it? Maybe I don't get it because I have a job that I have to come back too but are were you planning on spending an exorbinate amount of time in Australia or just a vacation (week or two?) If it's just a vacation than I think you should just go to Australia, he can live without you for the few weeks, you can call him, email him whatever while you are gone. If you two are meant to be then you will be when you get back.
If you planned on being there for an extra long time period well I'd tell him that you'd love for him to visit and you'd like to do the long distance thing for a while until you come back.
Smile,
Deirdre
<< Truth be told, the thought of him being 'the one that got away' makes my heart sink, I don't want that. Any ideas how I can get around this? Thank You >>
There's nothing to "get around" ... really, there is no need to complicate this. It's easy. You met someone. You're enjoying that. You want to see where it goes. Meanwhile, you have a flexible ticket to Australia. Australia isn't going anywhere.
So, if I were you, I'd either a) postpone the trip until next Fall/Winter (when its summer in Australia) or b) go on the trip, but make the trip shorter (say, 2 weeks or a month) instead of almost an entire year.
But, don't invite him. It's too early in your relationship to do something this big together.
It appears you're dealing with several issues here.......honesty/truthfulness, openness, and risk.
There's nothing wrong with not having mentioned this trip earlier in the beginning of your relationship. But as you now feel that there is a more serious potential here, you certainly need to talk about it. A weekend trip or a vacation up to a week or so is one thing, but a prolonged trip of many months is something he should be advised about. You really shouldn't be afraid. After all, it was planned before you met him. To not tell would be dishonest in that you would lead him on in a relationship that would have to "take a break" for several months. And while everyone decides how open a relationship one has depending upon how long you know each other, this is a rather serious decision that could make/break the future of where you two may go. Lastly, there is the risk both in taking the trip as well as not discussing it.
This is your typical "put yourself in their shoes" situation. Imagine if things were reversed. How would you feel if he withheld telling you about the trip until just before he left (or even afterwards)? How about not discussing the possiblity of delaying, opening up the possibilty of both enjoying the trip, etc.? As someone said, it may be "too early" to invite him on this trip. Perhaps, but discussing the possibilty of postponing the trip with the possibilty of both enjoying it at some later date when you know this is a serious relationship, wouldn't that be better? After all, didn't you start off the trip with the intention of relieving the depression of having "no boyfriend"? Yet here you are "risking" this new friendship by leaving soon?
Yes, I do believe in the sense of "things are meant to be" in that this will indeed test if your relationship is meant to last. But do not be so foolish as to not understand that destiny/fate is likely controlled both by "what we do" (action) as well as "what we don't do" (inaction)....the choice is yours. I personally feel that you should discuss this ASAP. The sooner it is discussed, the sooner the two of you can communicate what can be done. It's time you hear how he feels about this. Depending on what he says/feels, that will help to determine what your course of plan will be. If you really have jobs lined up to work there, etc., that is one thing. But with the flexibility of postponing the trip, isn't it worth the chance to wait? After all, wouldn't it be nice that you have someone to look forward to this coming Valentine's Day?
Funny thing is right now I'm in the reverse situation of waiting for my ladyfriend to return from a trip to Thailand. This as well was planned ahead and I, too, was gone for the holidays since before Christmas until last week. She left just after New Year's and is due home in a few days. I would have liked to go as well, but it can wait. Just as with Australia, Thailand isn't going any where.
Good luck. Please have the courage to communicate right away.
Well, don't lie = you don't want to start off a relationship with less than honest communcation. It sounds like your heart isn't in the trip right now so since it's a flexible ticket put it off.
I wonder if the real problem is not the ticket, or what to tell the guy, but that you are a little afraid of planning your life around this guy while at the same time you are afraid that if you go ahead with your original plan you will lose something good.
You say the ticket is flexible, so the easiest thing to do (as others have mentioned) is to postpone the trip and, at a later date, reconsider both how long you want to be gone for and whether this guy could come with you.
Don't think of it as planning your life around this guy or around the possibility of a permanent relationship. Think of it as responding to the reality of your life right now. There is something good here right now, why leave if you don't have to?
Regarding what to tell the guy, I'd mention that you have the ticket and had been thinking of going for a while in February but now you are thinking you will postpone the trip until June or October or whatever month you pick. You don't need to tell him you were going to be gone for more than a month. Come June or October or whatever, you can decide what to do. And, if the relationship is good and he can afford the time and the money, then you could talk about his going with.
Good luck with the guy. Follow your instincts with the relationship. And don't blame yourself for postponing the trip until you figure out what you have here.
Elsa
Hi Lovinhockey,
Yeah, the plan was to work (temp) for 3 months, build up some money then travel for another 5 months. That' a loonnng time away from someone :-S
Thanks, Yes in the past few days I have been trying to put a logical perspective on it all. I have always loved the freedom and risk and adventure travelling gives, but I also wonder if I am trying to escape the grim reality of home. And you can't run away forever. I think I got lost in a fantasy of 'living the dream' in a country which is hotter and much cheaper than the UK, because I dn't particuarly get on with my family here. I also know that I can't put off my career aspirations forever; I'm 22 and do want to make it in my field (advertising).
Of course, the converse of this is 'you only live once' and if I don't do it whilst I am still young, I may never.
Another major factor is this: you can only apply for the Working Visa once in your lifetime. So, I don't want to apply for the Working Visa and waste it by only doing a few weeks and then never having the chance again. There *again* 9 months is a long time, and if I was to get offered a career related job there one day, I'm sure something would work out. I just don't want to regret not going ahead with my original plan, but similarly I dn't want to regret missing out on a wonderful man.
Anyway, that is a tangent; I'm still mulling this over! I saw a career relared job advertised yesterday which was in Madrid and my guy said "I'd love to work abroad for 6 months or something"........ food for thought..?