Don't want to nag, but..
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Don't want to nag, but..
| Tue, 01-10-2006 - 6:27pm |
Hey!
I have been seeing a guy and we have both liked eachother for over a year. He goes to school 3 hours away, and the timing never seemed right. However, when he came back for 3 weeks recently, we decided to start a relationship because it was hard to be just friends. However, the last week or so he was in town.. he was acting very distant and uninterested and I got a little discouraged. I tried to talk to him about how I was happy we made the decision to date, and the fact that I know we could do a long-distance relationship and he agreed. The past few days I've been talking to him over IM and he always initiates conversation with me, but never seems to ask me any questions or make an effort to continue a conversation. I don't know whether or not I should say something to him. I don't want to be a nagging girlfriend, but at the same time it's really bothering me. It's hard because I feel like our relationship already feels like it's "old" because we've been seeing eachother for a while, but we've only been dating offically for under a month! HELP! I dont know whether to totally give up on this guy or not. One day he seems totally sweet and the next day, he gives me the cold shoulder. I'm sick of feeling like a nuissance to him, but at the same time, don't want to nag!
I have been seeing a guy and we have both liked eachother for over a year. He goes to school 3 hours away, and the timing never seemed right. However, when he came back for 3 weeks recently, we decided to start a relationship because it was hard to be just friends. However, the last week or so he was in town.. he was acting very distant and uninterested and I got a little discouraged. I tried to talk to him about how I was happy we made the decision to date, and the fact that I know we could do a long-distance relationship and he agreed. The past few days I've been talking to him over IM and he always initiates conversation with me, but never seems to ask me any questions or make an effort to continue a conversation. I don't know whether or not I should say something to him. I don't want to be a nagging girlfriend, but at the same time it's really bothering me. It's hard because I feel like our relationship already feels like it's "old" because we've been seeing eachother for a while, but we've only been dating offically for under a month! HELP! I dont know whether to totally give up on this guy or not. One day he seems totally sweet and the next day, he gives me the cold shoulder. I'm sick of feeling like a nuissance to him, but at the same time, don't want to nag!

I don't want to be a nagging girlfriend, but at the same time it's really bothering me. It's hard because I feel like our relationship already feels like it's "old" because we've been seeing eachother for a while, but we've only been dating offically for under a month!
The thing is, you're not his girlfriend, hon.
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Thanks for the advice.. but he has called me his girlfriend, so I am.
Also, the only thing I'm scared about 'backing away' is that we tried this long distance thing a while ago and it was a stupid decision because he was only back in town for a weekend and we decided to try tyings. So when he went away, he said it didnt "feel" like a relationship, so we kinda decided to wait until now. So I'm worried that if we aren't both making an effort, the same thing will happen again.
There's one person who has the answer--him. Have you spoken to him? Bring it up in a non-confrontational, light manner. No blaming or acussing. Just tell him how you're feeling and what's on your mind.
Ok. Gotcha.
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Hi again,
Yes, I caught my mistake.
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I've experienced similar feelings about my bf of a little over a year. What I realized was that sometimes it was me and sometimes it was him. For ex., I read in a book written by men about what men want that you shouldn't buy towels as a gift for a guy you're not engaged to; he'll think you want to move-in or something. I gave exactly that to my bf and his daughter for xmas last year. He took me on a date to tell me he didn't think we could live together. I hadn't even been thinking about it and thought he just wanted to dump me. Well, he didn't but in retrospect, my gift must have scared him. So, I'm thinking that with your bf maybe you've said or done something from time to time to make him want to feel more distant? Your relationship is still pretty new, even though you've known each other for awhile. I can understand your feelings of confusion about his on and off behavior. I've found that I've had to be kind of strategic in my relationship. I.e., I didn't push for what I really wanted in the relationship until I was reasonably certain he would respond favorably or at least that I would be able to handle it well if he didn't. My guess is that you're feeling something from him and he's not telling you what it is. If you think you have enough of a connection with this guy, it's probably o.k. to just ask for what you want, tell him how you're feeling, etc., or maybe some degree of each. However, if you really want him but he's not giving you consistency and whatever else it is you want, you'll probably have to play by his rules for awhile.
From what I've read and observed, a guy can really like a woman but they're still evaluating her character and relationship potential all along the way. We've probably all been burned before and we want to be absolutely certain that this person is different before we commit completely. It's possible that he seemed a little distant and disinterested to you because you're ready to take the relationship to the next logical step and you're looking for signs from him that he is too. When you don't get any, you feel discouraged, wonder if you're wasting another few years of your life, etc. I have to agree with another poster that relationships are a gamble. My advice is to give him time and space to decide that you and he will work-out in the long run. You probably would be feeling a lot more patient right now, and his seeming coolness wouldn't bother you, if you knew exactly where you stood. That's what's hard about relationships. Sometimes one wants something from the other and vice' versa. For example, men generally want sex sooner than women, but women want commitment more often. I think men know this. The trick is learning to work-out compromises where you'll both be reasonably happy with the way things are going.
On a more positive note, I think this guy is yours, you just need to be patient. It might help to focus your energies in various directions to take your mind off the situation from time to time. Unless he's deceptive, I would say he's genuinely interested in you. He may not always feel like having in-depth convos, but who does? The point is, he's reaching out to you first. You just need to keep reinforcing that behavior by making it a pleasant experience for him. Also, like I said before, if the risk of things not working out is worth it to you, it's o.k. to ask for what you want in terms of commitment, etc. You could try to feel him out subtely but that's dangerous territory as people often interpret even the most benign subtelty as game playing. You could also ask him general questions as to his values concerning relationships in general, past and present, etc., if you don't already know. It sounds like you know this guy well-enough to know how his mind works at least somewhat. I think you can use this knowledge to make him yours because he's opened himself up to you, maybe not all the time but enough. Good luck to you.
I think he means when he's in town you two are in a relationship of exclusivity and fun and in the moment enjoyment.
But he's not interested in having conversations nad all this interaction that takes his time away from his studies, interests, and options where he is.....just to "talk" to you.
He'll love being with you when he's with you - but that's it. HE's a "weekend" boyfriend.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com