Don't yet want sex with him again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Don't yet want sex with him again
6
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:13am
Hi, again. I'm having more issues in my head with my boyfriend and want advice.

As some of you know, I thought we were breaking up this past weekend because Friday he told me he wasn't sure if his feelings were real and we were moving too fast for comfort. Sunday though he came back to me and said that he really does love me and his feelings are real. He said though he wanted to move slowly this month in part because of work (we work together until I leave the end of this month) and in part because he wants to regain more control over his feelings.

But I have lost any desire to have sex with him right now. Before this past weekend when we were together, we would have sex 3-4 times a night. But now my desire is just gone. He reaffirmed he loves me last night, yet I can feel the space he's putting in this month. Although I knew he wanted to put space between us this month ...

Should I sleep with him anyway when we do go out? Or tell him I need to move slowly here, too. I love him. I know he loves me. But his backing off and filling his social calendar without me -- especially since I am moving soon -- kills my drive because for me sex and love go hand in hand. I want to wake up in the middle of the night in his arms and think "How wonderful! I'm with a guy I love who loves me and we're in this great relationship that's moving forward to who knows where." Not, "I'm with a guy who I love who loves me and we're in this relationship that is stepping back for a bit."




Edited 6/9/2004 6:11 am ET ET by sadelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:42am
you need to tell him how you feel and if he loves you like you know he does, he's going to respect the fact that he needs to build up a little trust with you before you can resume sexual intimacy. What you need to figure out for yourself so that you can explain to him is what this building up of trust looks and feels like...what do you need to see happening so that you can want to be intimate again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:18am
Sadelle,

Go with your gut. If your heart says you shouldn't, you should listen to your heart (no matter how much your body argues. Remember that your choices make you who you are.

That being said, I don't blame you for feeling funny about having sex with him while your relationship seems to be on eggshells. It's a natural reaction to withdraw some of what you've been giving (sex and intimacy) when you feel your partner is taking something away from you (time and energy), regardless of the reason. At the end of the day, we don't want to feel cheated. You are just tryiing to protect yourself, and you are well within your rights to do so.

If you have reservations about sleeping with him, explain that to him. If your relationship worth having, he'll understand.

Good luck,

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:36am
Thanks. You're right. We have a date planned for tomorrow night, and I'll tell him then.

I thought there was no doubting our love, and then when he did it made me troubled. I don't think he was wrong to question and I do prefer his honesty with me (and of course I love his end conclusion), but I guess I just need to wait and see his acts matching up with his words. Especially because he still wants to take it "slow" this month.

What would it take? Him actively planning me into his life and showing me I am in fact a priority to him. I think one of the downfalls of working so closely together and seeing each other all day is that you take the other for granted. And add on top of that the fact that he has so many friends -- a lot of whom are getting married this summer -- that he will be out of town at least half the weekend every weekend for at least the next month. Some of that I am invited to, some I'm not.

He came to me this morning because I told him yesterday that I was bothered by his lack of planning with me and said that he was sorry and I was right. He said he will do better with planning. I guess I just want to see that actually occuring.

I don't want to punish him ... I just want our intimacy to accurately reflect the strength of our out-of-bed relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:42am
Thank you, Ivy.

My one fear is that I know guys and girls are different about sex. When a girl feels there's a problem in a relationship, she withholds on the sex. When a guy is being withheld on sex, he starts feeling there's problems in the relationship.

I don't want to make things worse ... but I do think we should wait awhile and see how things progress with us naturally .

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:04pm
but there is a 'hitch' with the relationship...he wants to slow down...what does that mean to him...sleep with you and have all the perks of an exclusive, commited relationship...but at the same time not get too heavy and keep things light? Does this mean that he's interested in moving towards a friends with benefits relationship or enjoying an exclusive, but short term relationship, what? he needs to clarify what he means by slowing down and maybe what he's saying is great by you...or not and then you need to make a decision about where you want to go with things. This is your relationship, too, and you should be able to state your needs as well as he can without getting nervous about his reaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:42pm
I understand the sexual desire waning....for alot of women, sex is so emotionally loaded.
Lilypie Baby Days