Double Standards Suck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Double Standards Suck
7
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 2:10pm
Greetings all,
I have a gripe today. Long story short.
I met this guy. We talked on the phone, had an all day IM session while we were both working at our respective places of employment. We had a date, it went well. This guy I'll call him J, claimed that he was practicing abstinence. Let me first say that this is a 28 year old guy and I didn't believe him for one minute. Anyway we were sitting on my couch watching a Sixers game the other night. We were sitting pretty close at first, Then he reclined back on my sofa and out his feet up ( My sofa reclines ) So I layed with my head in his lap and continued watching the game. Meanwhile he started caressing my back and my shoulders. It felt great and I didn't want him to stop, I reciprocated and started caressing him as well. Things progressed from there and we ended up having sex. It was okay, I have had better but it didn't suck ( no pun intended) Anyway that was on Monday. I have not heard from him since.
While I'm not hurt because I was a consenting adult and knew full well what I was doing. I think he has alot of nerve to "flea" me after having sex with him. I realize that we just met, But he was sleeping with me after just meeting just like I was sleeping with him.
Where do guys get off being all self righteous? Like if a woman gives in to the weakness of her flesh it automatically makes her a whore and therefore not worthy of subsequent contact. It makes me sick. Like I said before I'm not hurt by him at all, I think I am just disappointed because I thought he was adult enough to know that I'm not easy, I was just a little backed up and needed that release. I'm sure he could tell upon penetration that it had been a while anyway.
I welcome comments and thoughts.
Peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 2:21pm
i dont necessarily think he thinks bad of you, he did tell you that he practicing abstinence and went back on his word. Maybe he feels like he lied to you and is feeling guilty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 2:24pm
Not that I'm an expert at all. But it is only wednesday, so don't assume that he thinks you are a slut or something. Have you tried to call him or IM him? Maybe he is embarrased? or if it was actually his first time, then he is feeling awkward. Either way you should not let any guy make you feel slutty or not. It's all about the way you want to feel. If you "needed it" then there ya go, it was a good thing. You didn't know him that long, so if he is going to be as shallow as that, then you wouldn't want him around anyways.
Hope this helps.
I'm trying to be stronger lately about issues with guys, so that's probably the way I sound.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 2:36pm

Okay...here's the other perspective.

We don't really know one another, we're both going to take individual responsibility for what we do in all situations including with one another....and we're not obligated to anything later as a result of what we do now.

HE didn't "flea" you - I take that to mean consider you "not worth dating".

He never wanted to date...he never took you out on a date...this was hanging out and he claimed there was not going to be "hooking up" - but you were both held personally accountable for what you did or didn't do.

It's just that he didn't assume or expect anything out of this - except whatever occurred in the moment. Now.....if he had said "look, no guarantees here, if you want to get it on this may be all we ever do, do you want to do it?" would you have gotten it on with him?

Because he was extending to you that assumption - that you were intelligent, responsible, and mature enough to realize that 'whatever happens here, it's becuase we want to do it, there is no guarantee of anything or obligation to anything later as a result."

He is crediting you with being mature, self-aware and responsible....he's not saying "you're not worth dating because I've already done you".

The facts point to the fact he never wanted to date.......that you both had this 'chemistry" in play....and you two got into a position (literally) without knowing one another's character and integrity.....so it was literally "i'm doing what I want here, you're doing waht you want here...and we're both individually responsible for our feelings, expectations, and perceptions and actions."

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 4:05pm
I do not believe for one fraction of a second that he was truly practicing abstinence. I think that he thought that was something cute to say that might have been a tool in helping him score. I would have had sex with him regardless because it was what I wanted at that time. And while I never expected him to fall in love, or commit to starting some sort of relationship, I did expect him to be at least human and call me. You know to say " I had a good time", Let's do it again some time, something of the like.
When he left my house he asked for a hug and held me soo long I didn't think that he wanted to let me go, So his coldness to me has me a little puzzled.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 4:07pm
Thank you for your insight.
I do not feel slutty in the least. Like I said before I was a consenting adult and knew exactly what I wanted at that time and that was to have sex. I just expected him to be a human being and call me the next day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 4:16pm

There's real potential for something here...in this post you're saying youjust "expected" him to call. Having expectations post-event is unrealistic in anything at all.

And you also said in the previous post you were just fine with having sex, and that you were hoping for a call to "do it again sometime".

Here's what I honestly think.....step into his shoes for a second. He claims to practice abstinence - as a way to get YOU to make a move, and pursue him, and make it easy to score. IT's like a guy saying he's gay - some women just can't wait to help him "make the decision to switch teams".

So, I think he said what he did as a joke...and possibly because in the past it's been a good inroad to one-night stands. Most women are very uncomfortable with one night stands...and are ashamed and embarrassed - so they don't "call the man" afterwards.

If your standards say that he should call just to be polite, and if he wants more he can easily ask without repercussion..then your standards have to say to you "call him to be polite and tell him you had a good time'.....and ask him if you calling in the event that you're in need of his services is something he'd be amenable to.

I think from there...you easily could get yourself a very well situated booty call setup. He's aware that you don't want anything but sex...which doesn' tmean that hugging, touching, kissing, foreplay and even romantic gestures aren't accepted, encourged, and enjoyed (it just means they're not "indication" of anything re: attachment/involvement)....which frees him up to call you up, hang out and hook up without thinking he's got to evade and avoid you now because "you'll want a relationship or to tell him off" as a result of this one sexual encounter.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:39pm
Perhaps I was too hasty in my opinion of this young man. He did call me and He is interested in more than a sexual relationship with me. I appreciate your " always blunt and to the point un biased opinion" But it appears that I was wrong about him.