Drink with ex **UPDATE**

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Drink with ex **UPDATE**
7
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 6:43pm

Hi everyone:

In my previous post, I said that I was going to have a drink with my ex on Friday. Well, here is how it went down:

I met up with him and we had several beers and talked. He was asking me what I wanted, in terms of "us" and I told him quite honestly that I wanted to be a in a relationship with him and that I still love him. He then told me that after he saw me kissing another man (this was 3 weeks ago during my birthday night, and I had no idea my ex was at the place I was that night as well) the feelings he had for me "just died". He said it is not jealousy or hurt, just that everything he felt for me died that night.

We sat in his car talking for a long time and I could tell he was confused about his feelings for me and he also told me that he is confused, but kept on telling me that "things just are not the same anymore, that if I had wanted to work things out, I would not have gone and kissed someone else". What hurt me the most though was that he said "even if I kiss you now, it means nothing, it would be like kissing any girl". He said he wants us to be friends and let time tell. Before we separated that night he kissed me on the cheek and forehead and said he'd call the the following day (saturday) that we would go for dinner.

So yesterday he called me and told me he was not feeling well and that we needed to do it some other time. He also sounded much colder towards me than he had the night before and kept on saying "Life goes on, we're friends and nothing more", as if backing out of everything. In the end we ended up seeing each other for dinner. He still kept on saying that we're friends now and that I need to go out and see if there are other people out there for me. When he was walking me back to my car, I broke down and I cried and cried and cried and he held me and told me "to give it some time", but we can still speak to each other and see each other but purely on platonic basis. He then gave me a kiss on the corner of my mouth and we separated.

When I asked for his reasoning WHY we cannot be together, he said that when we last broke up, he said "I do not want to be in a relationship right now, and that is a principle, I will not back out on my words". I know he has feelings for me, I can feel it and he can deny it, but I also think it is best we have a friendship right now and see where things go. I feel that maybe I need some time off from dating as well and really learn about my own needs and wants and concentrate on school and work. I love my ex very very much and it was hard hearing it from him but I think if we ever end up back together, it will be much stronger than before if we base it on friendship.

~T~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 9:56pm
While he's not backing out on his words, you should be backing out of the friendship saying, "life goes on and we can't even be friends. The feeling I felt for you as a friend 'just died.'" It sounds like he is stringing you along and you don't need that. You did NOTHING wrong by kissing that guy. You weren't in a relationship with your ex anymore, so therefore, you owe him no explaination and he doesn't have a right to "make you pay" for kissing that guy forever. Doesn't he understand the concept that when you two are broken up there is no need for you to be "faithful" to him? He is trying to stay in control by playing with your emotions and waving a potential relationship like a carrot, in front of you. Please let the next post we read from you be describing how you told this bloke to get lost.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 10:39pm

ok..i don't know ur history with your ex-boyfriend, but from ur post it's clear he does mean what he says, and he isn't ready to be in a relationship. whether it has something to do with ur kissing another guy, or in general looking at where he is in life, or from his hesitancy in wondering whether it will work out between you both again, i don't know. i think he does understand that you both weren't in a relationship at the time either. i think he is not only confused about his feelings for you, but also, whether you have true feelings for him. he looks like he'd like to have you stick around as a friend and i think that is a good path to take if you are comfortable too. u r right that u want to take time off to focus on work, and other imp. stuff in life too and get to know urself more. let things take shape naturally.

if u feel that he isn't treating you right, or is acting like a friendship is a pain, then let him go.

it'd be good to discuss things like if u both can see other people.
always best to sort all this out at the outset. makes for a much smoother relationship later.

and go easy on the friendship. since u have such strong feelings for him still, it will be good to try to back off emotionally, and not expect too much.

i really feel time will have the answer.
hurrying things up will not help.

in the end, ask urself again, whether he truly is the right person for you.
the heart can be stubborn, but sometimes, the mind has a totally different take on things that we should pay attention to as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 12:14am

You are not in a place that you can be friends with him and he is stringing you along with this BS. I totally agree with ginger - he is trying to make you feel guilty and control the relationship with his "we can just be friends but can ONLY be friends" crap. I know you are hurting righ now but he is making you feel guilty and rotten for something that you shouldn't feel badly about! You two were not together when you kissed another guy. If his feelings went out the window when you kissed someone when you were not even with him, then HE has the problem!

And BTW, can I remind you of what you said:

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It sounds like you have a habit of breaking up and getting back together and hopping into bed. I also just want to say that when relationships do this back and forth stuff, each time you get back together, there is a slimmer and slimmer chance that it will work. Each time you break up, there was a REASON that you broke up. That reason didn't go away and it sounds like there are new things going on. You claimed you didn't want to get back with him but you were not being truthful with us or yourself when you said that. You definitely wanted to get back with him and now that he has said no, you are hurt and disappointed. I'm sorry you feel bad but until you admit to yourself that this relationship is over, I don't think you should see him because you are always going to be hoping that it will work out. He's made it pretty clear that it won't. For your own sake, please move on and find someone that wants you when you want them and won't play games with your emotions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 6:36am

Thanks all for your input! Well, the good thing is, I have NO regret for kissing the other guy because I had a blast that night regardless.

Yes, I was hoping we could get back together but I knew we would not. Why he was asking me "what do you want in terms of 'us'?" remains a mystery to me, I have no clue what difference it made what I wanted since in his mind we're just friends.

The first time when we broke up he told me that we cannot be friends because he never keeps in touch with his ex's. This puzzles me, why does he want to be my friend then if he isn't friends with any of his other ex's for a the reason that it is a principle?

Also, I know he is confused in his mind because on Friday night, when we were sitting in his car he said "I need to think...and this is very very hard right now because I have already made up my mind that we're just friends and I do not change my mind"...

I think I just need to let him be for a while and not try to contact him (other than him looking at my resume, which i need fixed by the end of the week). I think that is the only way both him and I can get peace over this. I think I am just going to sit back and relax and concentrate on other things and not so much about relationships. It is just very hard right now because for a long time I thought he was the one for me and accepting my own mistake in thinking that may be harder than accepting that the relationship is 'dead'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 7:46am

Good - you shouldn't regret kissing the other guy! It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Is there anyone else at all that can review your resume? If not, I think you should have him review it and then tell him that you need some time without contact.

Both things you mentioned are strange. Why DID he ask you what you were looking for? I hate to think it was malicious so that he could tell you that he wasn't interested in something but maybe he was hoping you would tell him that you only wanted to be friends and it would make what he had to say much easier. Instead, you threw him for a loop and said you wanted to get back together! As for the not staying friends with exes, maybe he knows it has been really hard in the past to remain just friends but I agree that it should be taken on a case by case basis instead of generalizing that he won't stay friends with them. Maybe deep down he wanted to hold onto you in hopes that his feelings might return or he might even be denying them, but in the meantime, he is breaking your heart and you deserve better. Staying friends with him right now just isn't an option for you because of your feelings. Good luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 8:24am

Wind1valley,

Sorry you didn't get what you were hoping for but I agree with the o/p who said that you were not being truthful with us or yourself when you admitted that you were not expecting to get back together with your ex. Clearly that wasn't true or you would not have met him for a drink on Friday.

Take it from someone who's been where you are now. He is CLEARLY not going to go back with you unless it's a FWB type of thing which you do not need. When he said his feelings went out the window for you when he saw you kiss another guy, this was an excuse to end it right there while placating the guilt from himself. You guys were already broken up so he shouldn't have a problem with whomever you kissed while you were broken up. He's stringing you along because he knows you still have feelings for him and using it to his advantage.

Your attitude, instead of crying in front of him should have been, FINE, good riddance. I'm moving on with my life just as you have moved on with your life. Your relationship didn't sound like a healthy one to me anyway. Anytime you break up, make up, break up, for whatever reason, it's not healthy. He doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. One thing is clear to me though, he does not want you so please, move on and do not give this man a second thought.

If I sound harsh, it's because I've been there with those types of men. They only want control of the situation.

Take care of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 3:19pm
He knows we will not become FWB since I know I do not want to and he will not even kiss me for that specific reason. He wants us to keep our distance and just be friends and I think that is respectable. I will remain his friend and just go on with my life and see what happens. I do not blame him for wanting to be just my friend although I was very much hurt by this reality.